How can I tell if my girlfriend used to be a dude?
Dear Dale:
I’m dating this woman. She’s nice and the sex is good but she’s tall and has strong features. She’s also messy as hell, likes sports and action movies and hates shopping. At first, I thought it was great. The best of both worlds. Sex but like hanging out the guys. But then she beat my buddy at arm-wrestling and I started wondering if maybe she used to be a dude. I really like her but the uncertainty is killing me. How can I know for sure?
Signed,
Is she or isn’t she?
Dear ISOIS:
That’s a tough one. Because you can’t just come out and ask her. Women hate that question. They think it reflects badly on their looks.
And if she is a dude, she’s going to be upset you’ve seen through her ruse and aren’t accepting her as she is now.
You could ask to see some old photos. If she shows you and she’s clearly a chick, you can rest easy.
But if she gives you some excuse about how they all got burned up in a fire… you’re going to have to do some detective work.
So ask yourself:
Does she take two seats on the bus?
Pick her nose in public?
Lift her butt when she farts?
Scratch her crotch and smell her fingers after?
Excuse herself by saying she needs to take a dump?
Eat on the can?
Clean her teeth with a steak knife?
Spit into sewers and get excited about hitting them dead on?
Sniff her shorts to see if they’re clean and wear them even when they’re not?
Frequently suggest a threesome?
If the answer to seven or more is yes, you’re probably dealing with a dude.
But I say, so what?
Just last month I did a chick who told me after she used to be a guy.
(I thought she was just ugly.)
Not that I cared.
Way I look at it, it’s not gay if they’ve had the dude parts snipped off.
But not everyone is so open-minded. A lot of people, Christians especially, consider such chicks counterfeit. They want the real McCoy, someone who was born with a pussy instead of having one installed later on in life.
Which is really short-sighted. Because, although a chick, she’s lived as a dude and so, understands us. Just think of the all the advantages:
No more nagging.
No more fishing for compliments.
No more interrupting the game to talk of something trivial.
No more asking for your opinion and ignoring everything you say.
No more asking if you’re really going to wear that when clearly you are.
No more buying clothes two sizes too small and then asking if she looks fat.
No more dragging you from store to store in search of stuff you neither need nor want.
No more going to fancy restaurants where the key attraction is small portions and high prices.
No more ordering a salad for dinner and then eating half your burger because “it looks nice.”
And, best of all, no more talk of feelings or where the relationship is going.
So stop trying to figure out if she used to be a dude. Just enjoy what you have. You’ll be glad you did. Because shopping malls the world over are full of guys who desperately want to go home but can’t because their wives keep seeing something else. Just be glad you’re not one of them. Hope this helps.
Sincerely,
Dale
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