Are women the enemy?
Dear Dale:
I keep hearing about these groups that hate women and it sounds good to me. How do I join?
Signed,
Fed up with females
Dear FUWF:
I understand your feelings. It’s tempting to see women as the enemy. From the moment we’re born, we struggle with them.
The mother who scolds us for filling our pockets with frogs.
The sister who cries when we hit her with a snowball.
The girlfriend who pouts when we answer “Do you love me?” with “Yeah, but not as much as football.”
The wife who sulks when we forget our anniversary.
The daughter who cringes when we kick her boyfriend out while standing in our underwear.
They’re all against us.
And yet, somehow, we’re the bad guys, the ones who always have to say sorry and promise never to do it again. When really, we don’t feel the least bit sorry and haven’t got the slightest idea why they’re angry at us.
It certainly seems like they’re out to get us, with their grim determination to get married and so, deprive us of all our pleasures. Go on an all-day drunk? Can’t do that. We have curtains to look at.
(Like anyone needs those. I’m not ashamed to be seen naked and I’m sure you aren’t either. If the neighbors complain, just put up a dirty bed sheet.)
There’s always something that supposedly needs doing and you can bet your fantasy league money your wife will find it.
Truth is, women fear free time: if a man has a moment to himself, he might have second thoughts about family life.
Which brings us to children. Women entangle us in fertility, diverting our energies from fun things like drinking to child care. Ask any woman the meaning of life and, odds are, she’ll answer family. The more kids you have, the worse it gets: every baby born is another soldier for their side.
But that would be a mistake. Women are not the enemy. Life is. Women are simply its unconscious vessels. The life force flows through them like a river, sweeping away all thought.
We men, on the other hand, stand back a bit and so, can see its dangers. Any sane man knows that stepping into that current is the death of all our hopes and dreams and yet, driven by a desperate desire for sex, we race towards it. Some men even scale mountains, wrestle bears and crawl through thorns — all just to dive in and drown. Laugh at lemmings? You are one.
Which is why all the great philosophers are celibate. People like the Buddha, Jesus and Morrissey. Take Jesus. He wasn’t married. Think he would’ve been such a nice guy if he’d had a wife? I doubt it. Probably would’ve been just as hen-pecked as all the rest of us. Die on the cross to wash away the sins of all humanity? Sorry, I’ve got a family to support.
So no, don’t hate women. Pity them. Like us, they too are trapped in a realm of pain and suffering. They just don’t know it. On the contrary, most of them are under the delusion that life is good. How else could they bear the misery of being female? The moods. The monthlies. The dieting.
Some people feel sorry for the ugly ones. Poor dear, they say. You’ll never get a husband. Not me. I pity the beautiful. Imagine going through life and everywhere you go, men just want to shoot their sperm at you.
I don’t usually advocate kindness since it sometimes leads to unpleasant obligations. But, for once, I will: be nice. You’ll be glad you did. Hope this helps.
Sincerely,
Dale
Hi. If you’ve made it this far, you probably liked the story. So why not check out some others at my Medium page? https://medium.com/dear-dale
