Who is better, Jesus or Buddha?
Dear Dale:
I notice you mention Jesus and Buddha a lot. Which would you rather be?
Signed,
Spiritually curious
Dear SC:
What an interesting question. I never noticed that. But you’re right: they’re the gold seal of sincerity. An excellent ruler to measure everybody’s bullshit by. Especially people in positions of authority.
Tough choice. On the one hand, a life of total abstinence: no meat, drinking, drugs or sex. Just vegetables and meditation.
(Although I wonder about that. It is the land of opium after all. Maybe that’s why he was so blissed out.)
On the other, a painful death on the cross. But at least He got to hang out with whores. He may have been born of a virgin but I doubt He died one.
Actually, much as I admire them both, I wouldn’t want to be either. I’d rather be a Greek god. Dionysus, say. Now that guy knew how to party. Drunk all day long. Much like myself. And with no boss giving him the evil eye either.
Or Zeus. See some hottie you like, just come down, knock her up and be off before anyone notices. No pregnancy to deal with, diapers to change or child support to pay. Those Greek gods had it made. Not like today, where women actually expect you to be responsible for your sperm.
(Fortunately, I escaped that fate. My ex-wife and I never had a kid because I was blessed with infertility. Slow swimmers. Who says acid is bad for you?)
The Romans were pretty chill too. Had the same gods more or less but a lot more money. Spent the day watching gladiators slaughter one another and then ate and drank till they puked. I could get into that.
And then there’s the northerners. People like the Celts. Don’t know much about them but I hear they worshiped trees. Why not? At least they’re real. Eco-friendly too. We’d stand a much better chance of saving this planet if we saw trees as holy: when’s the last time you saw someone turn Jesus into toilet paper? They even gave us Halloween. The best holiday of the year.
Or better yet, the Vikings. Cool caps. Who wouldn’t want to wear a hat with horns? Their idea of heaven was to spend all day fighting and then, in the evening, enjoy a big buffet where, served by sexy chicks, you drink yourself stupid. Talk about a kickass afterlife.
Compare that to Christianity, where you stand around praising God all day. Talk about boring. If that’s heaven, give me hell. Odds are, it’s a lot more fun.
(Why does God need to be praised so much? Is He really that insecure? You’d think Someone who created the universe would have His shit together.)
The more I think about it, the more it seems to me we made a big mistake giving in to monotheism. Should’ve stayed pagan instead. Why not worship dozens of gods? Hedge your bets. Piss off this one, pray to that one. One of them is bound to help you.
Okay sure, you’d have to sacrifice something. Toss your kid’s hamster into a woodchipper say but odds are, it was keeping you up at night anyway. Hell, I’d even go for human sacrifice. Life would be a lot more interesting if you knew you could lose it in a lottery. Not to mention reduce over-population.
So throw that Bible into the fire and dance around the flames. Get drunk. Get high. Fuck whoever you want and don’t feel bad about it. Because no one has a monopoly on the truth and the universe is a billion times bigger than your ability to understand it. Just follow your feelings and hope for the best. You’ll be glad you did. Hope this helps.
Sincerely,
Dale
Hi. If you’ve made it this far, you probably liked the story. So why not check out some others at my Medium page? https://medium.com/dear-dale
