How can I put the fun back in funeral?
Dear Dale:
I’m in the process of planning my funeral. What do you think, open casket or closed?
Signed,
Looking forward to forever
Dear LFTF:
Doesn’t matter. Either way, you’re just a lump of dirt. Hard to accept, I know. A lot of people can’t and so, fall for the fairy tale of Heaven. He’s with Jesus now, they say, conveniently forgetting that Jesus himself is just a pile of old bones. Oh death, where is thy sting? Everywhere. Look around you.
Even secular folk, who should know better, try to live on beyond their days — through art or politics or porn — and feel that, by planning their funeral, they are somehow defeating death. Or, at least, getting the last word in. But that’s an illusion. As well as a total misunderstanding of funerals.
Truth is, funerals aren’t for the dead. They’re for the living. An opportunity for friends and family to misremember you. Which they will since no tells the truth at funerals: no matter how times you disappeared to booze it up with your buddies, they will describe you as a devoted family man who was always there for his loved ones. Because that’s what they want to believe.
So forget about making that farewell video. It will only upset them. Unless of course you tell them what they want to hear: how much you loved them and how important family is to you.
(Funerals are the final affirmation of family: no matter how much they hate you, they will probably show up and pretend otherwise.)
If, on the other hand, you talk about the joys of single life and your love of lesbian porn, there will be frowns all around.
And then there’s the pastor, whom you’ve probably never met. Despite that, he will drone on about your faith in Christ — when the truth is, the last time you willingly went to church was years ago when, late at night, you broke in and drank their sacramental wine. That they found you passed out in a pool of puke will probably not make it into the eulogy.
As for your wishes… odds are, they won’t honor them. I told my family I wanted strippers for pallbearers but do you think I’ll get that? Doubt it.
Actually, I’ll be lucky to get any kind of ceremony. My dad took off when I was two, my mom’s in a nursing home and my brother’s wife won’t speak to me. All because of a joke I made about my niece’s tits, about them being big enough to carve a president’s face in. To her credit, she wasn’t offended. But my sister-in-law sure was. That woman never liked me. Ever since their wedding, when I told my brother he could do better. Some people.
Not that I care. Personally, I hope to die alone. Preferably in the gutter, after a week-long bender. The last thing I want is to die in a hospital, hooked up to machines and surrounded by people who won’t shut up.
Work would be almost as bad. Especially at the end of the day. Or week! Monday morning would be okay. Save me the trouble of struggling through another workweek. But on Friday? What bad luck. My boss would love that.
So forget all this nonsense about planning your funeral. That’s for others to worry about. It’s one of the perks of being dead. Not having to do anything.
Same thing with a will. Not only will I die without one, I’m going to hide my valuables. Turn it into a treasure hunt. Find it, it’s yours. If not, too bad.
Thinking about death is the biggest mistake you can make in life. It’ll happen, sure. But there’s not much you can do about it. So, until then, cause as much trouble as you can. You’ll be glad you did. Hope this helps.
Sincerely,
Dale
Hi. If you’ve made it this far, you probably liked the story. So why not check out some others at my Medium page? https://medium.com/dear-dale
