Should Mexico build a wall to keep us out?
Dear Dale:
I’m an office worker. I like my job. I like my co-workers. Heck, I even like my boss. Problem is, I’m getting older. I’ve got enough years banked and money saved I could retire tomorrow but am worried about being bored. I’m afraid I’ll spend all day drinking or sitting in front of the TV like so many guys. What do you think? Should I retire?
Signed,
Not ready to be put out to pasture
Dear NRTBPOTP:
Are you fucking nuts? Absolutely! I can’t wait to retire. Will do it first chance I get. I won’t even finish the day. Just punch in, turn around and go home.
And what’s wrong with being drunk all day? I do it every day and you don’t hear me complaining.
(It’s one of the many advantages of being a city worker. Truth is, except for getting up early and wearing work clothes, I’ve already retired. The only real difference is I won’t have to look my boss’s ugly face ever again.)
As for afterwards… well, I always thought I’d move to a poisoned paradise — Tahiti, Haiti or New Orleans — where life is cheap and the chicks are easy but these days, I’m looking south of the border. Down Mexico way.
Turns out I’m not the only one. A lot of Americans are doing that. Largely because of the cost of living. It’s just so damn expensive in the States now.
Used to be a six pack was like water, something you had for breakfast. Now, it’ll set you back almost ten bucks. In Mexico, it’s half that.
Drugs too. It’s getting so bad it’s almost not worth being an addict.
And why eat at Taco Bell when you can get the real stuff so much cheaper? Sure, you might get food poisoning but that’s half the fun.
Plus which, despite what people think, Mexico is a very civilized country: the sort of place where you can hire underage hookers, fire off shots to celebrate a soccer win or bribe you way out of a DUI.
Besides, cross-border traffic is nothing new. For decades, we’ve been heading south, sneaking into Spanish-speaking countries to satisfy our darkest desires: for marijuana, teenage rent boys and taco-inspired diarrhea.
(Just ask Robert Mitchum, Hart Crane and anyone who’s spent more than half an hour in Tijuana.)
Thing is, it’s not just luxuries now. It’s necessities too: insulin, dentistry and tequila. Mexico has become our go-to place for all the things we can’t afford in America anymore.
So much so some of us have decided to live there full-time.
(Which is more than a bit ironic, considering how we’ve demonized them for decades for coming here and doing our shitty jobs for us.)
I can just see it: hordes of obese bean-eating Americans, their fat butts wedged into beach chairs and filling the air with the sound of their farts.
(Paradise indeed.)
Which, believe it or not, will probably not go over so well with the locals.
Oh, they’ll welcome us at first, eager to scoop up those valuable American dollars but, as the trickle turns to a flood, resentment will build.
So much so some populist will come to power and build a wall to keep us out.
(Either that or use Trump’s against us.)
So get in now before it’s too late. Move south, buy a condo and settle into a life of all-day drinking, interrupted only by the occasional burrito or blowjob. You’ll be glad you did. Because, although America’s declining power is making it difficult for us to dominate developing countries, we can still break their beach chairs with our fat asses. Hope this helps.
Sincerely,
Dale
Hi. If you’ve made it this far, you probably liked the story. So why not check out some others at my Medium page? https://medium.com/dear-dale
