Should I have a kid?
Dear Dale:
My wife and I are trying to have a second child. Any advice?
Signed,
One is not enough
Dear OINE:
Yeah, don’t. I have to admit: I’m shocked. Anyone can make a mistake once. You’re young, stupid and eager to get off. So naturally you let those boys fly. But twice? That’s the height of irresponsibility.
What’s worse, it sounds like you actually want one. Again, if you’re young, you probably don’t know better. Ignorance is nature’s number one weapon. If people knew how horrible kids are, they would never have them.
I almost went down that road. My ex-wife was determined to have a kid. Fortunately, I was blessed with infertility.
(Must’ve been all that acid I did. Who says drugs are bad for you?)
We wasted a lot of money on fertility treatments but I don’t mind. It’s still cheaper than having a kid. And a lot quieter.
But as someone who’s already a parent, you don’t have that excuse. Which makes me wonder: what’s wrong with you? Do you have amnesia?
Don’t you remember the horrors of pregnancy? How her body went from attractive to being able to block traffic.
And the moods. One moment she’s all all sweetness and light and the next, she’s trying to claw your face off.
Not to mention the boredom of childbirth. You have to wait forever with a bunch of depressed dads and they won’t let you smoke. Not even a spliff.
(Just try lighting one up in the delivery room and see what happens.)
And last, but far from least, the drudgery of childcare and the death of all your dreams. Spending your day off wiping drool from your kid’s face and having to pawn your guitar to buy diapers.
I can only conclude that your wife has some sort of evil hold on you. Did she brainwash you? Were you hypnotized? I’ve heard of cases like that, where a guy goes in wanting to quit smoking and comes out craving a kid.
If so, I know a good deprogrammer. He runs a workshop called Let Men Be Men. Like Iron John, only with strippers. One weekend with him and you’ll forget all this nonsense about wanting another kid. You may even abandon the one you already have. Call him. You’ll be glad you did. Hope this helps.
Sincerely,
Dale
Hi. If you’ve made it this far, you probably liked the story. So why not check out some others at my Medium page? https://medium.com/dear-dale
