Should we invade Canada?
Dear Dale:
The wife wanted to go to a foreign country but everything is so expensive we couldn’t afford Europe so decided to go to Canada. Toronto and Niagara Falls. Can’t say I was looking forward to it. Thought Canadians were country folk who farmed, trapped animals or worked at sawmills. Either that or hockey players with no teeth. But they aren’t. They’re a lot like us. Live in big cities with lots of immigrants but don’t seem bugged about it. Have malls and theaters and everything. We saw Cats and it was just as good as the New York version. They even have a baseball team and actually won the World Series. Twice! I was surprised. How about you, Dale? Have you ever been to Canada?
Signed,
Had a good time
Dear HADT:
Never. And I never will either. Because I hate Canadians. They’re the lowest form of life on this planet. Even worse than light beer drinkers.
I should know. My editor, Darrell, is Canadian and he is without a doubt the most boring person I’ve ever met. Besides begging me not to say racist or sexist things, he’s always annoying me with his niceness: holding doors open for people, listening to them when they talk and saying “You’re welcome.”
(Word of advice: if you’re ever unfortunate enough to meet him, don’t spike his drink with acid and take him to a strip club. You’d think a lap dance would loosen him up but no such luck: all he did was cry. That and talk about what a bad guy he was for cheating on his girlfriend like that.)
I know most Americans see Canadians as cute and cuddly, a harmless nation peacefully minding their own business in the frozen wastes above us, but the truth is, they’re our worst and oldest enemy.
(Even worse than the Mexicans.)
Not only did they snub our invitation to join in our battle against the British, many of them actively fought against us.
(The French, as usual, sat on their butts and did nothing.)
As did many of our own compatriots who, dissatisfied with freedom, moved north after the war. Called themselves the United Empire Loyalists.
(We called them traitors.)
Who, along with the Brits, blocked our way west by siding with the Indians.
(Typical Brits. Always getting the locals to do their dirty work.)
So we did it all over again in 1812. That one ended in a draw: we burned some buildings in Toronto and they did the same to the White House.
(Guess we came out ahead after all.)
After that, we forgot about them.
(A civil war will do that to you.)
But they were always there, watching us from across the border and waiting for a chance to do us dirty: by supporting the Confederacy, denying us direct access to Alaska and making us listen to Anne Murray.
(Talk about cruel.)
And all the while they were secretly invading us, hiding behind their white faces and neutral accents like shape-shifting lizards from the planet Sargus.
What’s worse, they took the good jobs, the ones we don’t want the Mexicans to do. Like:
Actor: Anna Paquin, Pamela Anderson, Micheal Cera, Micheal J. Fox, Keanu Reeves, Racheal McAdams, Ryan Gosling, Sandra Oh, Donald Sutherland and William Shatner.
Comedian: Jim Carrey, John Candy, Mike Myers, Martin Short, Rick Moranis, Norm MacDonald, Will Arnett, Phil Hartman, Dan Aykroyd and Seth Rogen.
Musician: Drake, Celine Dion, Avril Lavigne, Alanis Morrisette, Bryan Adams, Shania Twain, Hank Snow, Joni Mitchell, Justin Bieber and Neil Young.
Even the host of America’s favourite game show is a Canadian: Alex Trebek.
(Is nothing sacred?)
But really gets me is their smugness. The way they’re always looking down their noses at us. It wasn’t always like that. Time was they respected us for our accomplishments — rock, baseball and ridding this continent of Indians — but these days, they treat us like something they stepped in.
Sure, we’ve made mistakes: Iraq, Afghanistan and the MacGyver reboot.
(Good thing Trump has stepped forward to set things straight.)
But who are they to talk? They’ve never done anything of significance. Not on their own, anyway. When hockey is your greatest cultural achievement… well, I think you need to take a good hard look in the mirror.
Plus which, it’s easy to sit on the sidelines and bitch.
(I do it all the time.)
Everyone’s anti-war until a war breaks out and then suddenly, they call on us, the Good Old U.S. of A., to come running to their rescue.
(How many times do we have to save Europe from itself?)
Well, I say: enough is enough. It’s time we used our army for our benefit: by sending it north against the Canucks.
(Way global warming is going, we’ll need their water. So let’s take it now.)
I’d love to see the look on their maple syrup guzzling faces when our tanks come rolling over the border, knocking over their totem poles and pushing aside their pathetic troops like a child sweeping toy soldiers off a table.
Odds are, they’ll just let us pass. Probably apologize for being in our way.
And then, we’ll have it all, one giant continent.
(Except of course for Mexico but who wants that? It’s mostly desert.)
Won’t that be great? All the way from Florida to Alaska.
Of course, we’ll have to assimilate them. Get them to stop being so nice and encourage them to cultivate their inner asshole.
(Everyone’s got one.)
But I don’t think it’ll be that hard. Because, just as they’ve been invading us, we’ve been corrupting them — with drugs, crime and reality TV.
Odds are, sooner or later, broken down by our bad influence, they’ll fall like a rotten apple into our greedy hands.
But where’s the fun in that? An invasion is much more enjoyable.
So pull out your fatigues and grease up your gun. You’ll be glad you did. Because we’ve finally got an enemy worth fighting, one where the loot will outweigh the loss. And isn’t that the whole point of war: to make a profit? Instead of saving the world. Which is a mistake we’ve made far too often. Lord only knows how many Americans have died in far-off wars that didn’t benefit us at all. At least this time we’ll get something for it. Hope this helps.
Sincerely,
Dale
Hi. If you’ve made it this far, you probably liked the story. So why not check out some others at my Medium page? https://medium.com/dear-dale
