Why are men perverts?
Dear Dale:
Why are men such perverts? Every time I meet a guy, he seems nice enough at first, the sort that would be satisfied with normal sex, but then, next thing you know, he wants to sniff my panties or lick my butthole.
Either that or he asks me to dress up, as a Girl Guide or the Avon Lady. One guy actually asked me to wear a wig and pretend to be his gramma. Wanted to play some game called Find the Cookie.
I’m fed up. If it weren’t for all the meals and presents and such, I’d turn lesbian. At least we girls can take our pleasure straight up.
Signed,
Vanilla is my favorite flavor
Dear VIMFF:
Tell me about it. I must be the only normal guy out there. All I want is a bit of the old in-and-out. Quite a bit, actually.
Which may explain my popularity with women. Because chicks talk.
“Oh, Dale,” they say. “He’s okay. He’s just going to fuck you. Over and over again. No whips or chains or anything. He’s as normal as they come.”
And it’s true. The closest I come to kink is this nurse I know with a medical fetish. Makes me wear a condom.
But all around us the world is crawling with perverts. People keep coming out, like earthworms after a rain. Pretty soon we’ll run out of letters.
Thank God they put the plus on LGBTQ. Otherwise, we’d have to say LGBTTTQQIAA. Try working your tongue around that.
I feel sorry for the guys who organize porn sites. They must really struggle. There are so many categories and a lot of them overlap. Is this big tits or missionary? Massage or interracial? Bestiality or double penetration?
Half the time I don’t even know what they are. Clicked on something called furry once. Turned out to be people in animal costumes rubbing up against each other. Hell, if I want to see that, all I have to do is go to a ball game.
Call me old-fashioned but I think, just like smartphones, there are too many options. They should make a simple version for folks like us. One category. Just fucking please.
I blame religion. Ever noticed how the worst perverts always come from the south? It’s never a Democratic congressman who gets caught in the can with a page’s penis in his mouth. No, it’s always a Republican.
(Democrats have sex with women and drive them off bridges instead.)
That and separate bedrooms. Used to be, we slept half a dozen to a bed and your parents fucked right in front of you. Sometimes the kiddies would climb on top and enjoy the ride. No mystery there.
But then Freud invented repression and folks got bashful. Turned into tight-asses who felt embarrassed about banging in front of the kids. Built bigger houses, closed the door and tried to be quiet.
Naturally, the kids felt excluded. Not to mention curious. So they cupped their hands against the door to figure out what was happening.
But that, of course, leads to guilt. And shame. Religion’s natural recruiter.
Just like jerking off. You’re sitting there, admiring the swimsuit ads in the summer Sears catalogue — the things we did before porn — and pleasantly playing with yourself, when your mom unexpectedly walks in and flips out.
Tells you you’re a dirty pervert and takes you to see your pastor, who gives you a purity ring and makes you promise to save your sperm for marriage.
(Fortunately, I avoided such a fate. My mom was always too wasted to notice what I was doing. There are advantages to being a neglected child.)
But a billion years of evolution will not be denied. Sexual urges spring up, like flowers aimed at the sun, and if something — an absurd religious belief, say — blocks their path, they bend around it.
And so you get guys with panties on their face jerking off onto a pair of high heels they stole from their mom.
What’s worse, it’s a total crapshoot. Some guy accidentally touches your cock on the basketball court and boom, you’re gay. Or your kindergarten teacher had pigtails and now you can only get it up for girls who do. Or you once saw a pair of pigeons fucking and so, make bird noises in bed.
Don’t get me wrong. I got nothing against love — let alone sex — but when your nerdy co-worker tells you he’s going to marry a hologram and asks you to attend the wedding as your favorite anime character… well, that’s when I wonder if humanity has hit the wall.
We have such big brains. It’s made civilization possible. But it’s also filled our heads with foolishness. Fantasies to make life bearable. Santa Claus brings you presents. All dogs go to heaven. Jesus died for your sins.
Unfortunately, there’s a price to be paid for that: God wants your gonads. You have to walk around with your privates covered up, act like a eunuch and save your sperm for the one woman you don’t want to have sex with: your wife.
But all along an invisible river of desire runs through you. Underground, from before we were even human. Eventually, sensing a weak spot, it bursts forth.
Fact is, if people followed their feelings, there wouldn’t be any perverts. Just a bunch of well-adjusted horny men.
Like me. I was fortunate enough to lose my virginity at thirteen. An older girl took a liking to me and, next thing you know, we were banging in the bushes behind the school. She only had one eye but that didn’t put me off.
(Looks don’t matter to me. It’s the secret of my success with women.)
So if, by some miracle, you manage to find a normal guy and have a son, please don’t warp the poor kid’s mind with Christian mumbo-jumbo.
Instead, encourage him to play doctor with the girl next door and, if you catch him masturbating, clap your hands and say, “good boy!”
You’ll be glad you did. Because, the way things are going, it’s the only way you’ll get grandkids. Hope this helps.
Sincerely,
Dale
Hi. If you’ve made it this far, you probably liked the story. So why not check out some others at my Medium page? https://medium.com/dear-dale
