Why are people throwing food at art?
Dear Dale:
I was in Pittsburgh, looking at a picture of some Frenchies in a park when the guy next to me suddenly threw a scoop of mashed potatoes at it.
I was shocked. Now if it was one of those abstract things, by Picasso or some other bum who’s too lazy to do a good job, I would understand, but this was something nice. The sort of thing you find in a paint-by-numbers box.
So I asked the guard about it. Turns out it’s a thing. People all over the world are going to museums and wasting perfectly good food by throwing it at art. Something to do with global warming, which we all know is hogwash.
But even if it was true, why attack pictures? Do those boneheads really think that Mick and Angelo or poor Vinnie Van Gogh made all that gas? No one guy could do that, not even on a steady diet of beans.
And what about the waste? Don’t they know there are starving children in Africa? If they really want to make the world a better place, they should put that food in Tupperware and send it to the needy, in India or Detroit.
What’s wrong with these fools and how can we smarten them up?
Signed,
It’s a museum not a cafeteria
Dear IAMNAC:
Tell me about it. I hate tree-huggers. They’re so annoying. Always chaining themselves to hundred-year-old trees. Just to prevent people like us from pampering our ass with triple-ply toilet paper.
That and protest against pollution or interfere with fishermen. Just because they want to sweep the ocean floor clean of life or bag a few whales.
But what really gets my goat is that, for all their noise, they’re a bunch of pussies: besides not using acid or anything else that’ll do any real damage, they purposefully pick pictures that are covered in glass.
Sometimes they don’t even do that. Just glue their hands to the frame. Talk about wimpy. It’s like, deep down, they don’t really want to destroy it.
Compare that to the guy who hit Pelosi’s husband with a hammer. Say what you will about his politics but not everyone is willing to bash in the brains of an old dude just because he’s banging a politician.
Fortunately, he’s more typical of us than they are since we Americans have a long history of political violence: we’ve killed not one, not two, not three but four presidents. For a country as young as ours, that’s pretty impressive.
(Unlike Canada, our somnolent neighbour to the north: despite our influence, they haven’t assassinated a single leader. They don’t even try.)
So, to all you Extinction Rebels out there, next time you have a bit of leftover pizza or some Swedish meatballs you don’t need and are thinking of throwing at a painting… don’t. Send it to me instead.
You’ll be glad you did. Because your stupid stunts are a waste of time. No one’s listening. We all tuned out years ago.
Half of us have disappeared into denial — even when the water gets so high we’re standing on our houses waiting for the coast guard to rescue us we’ll still call it fake news — and the other half have gone full Jim Morrison: I want to have my kicks before the whole shithouse goes up in flames.
Which is only reasonable: why fight the inevitable when you can follow in the footsteps of a callous psychopath who choked to death on his own vomit? St. Jim. He knew what was coming. Long before you did. Hope this helps.
Sincerely,
Dale
Hi. If you’ve made it this far, you probably liked the story. So why not check out some others at my Medium page? https://medium.com/dear-dale
