Why can’t men be more romantic?
Dear Dale:
I got married a couple years ago. My husband is a nice guy, bit insensitive sometimes but never mean or abusive. He has a good job and no bad habits, drinks a bit but not too much. I wouldn’t call him smart but he’s not stupid either. He’s just your average guy, the sort that likes sports, fixing cars and playing with power tools. I talk to my girlfriends and hear such horror stories I know I’m lucky but wonder sometimes if I made the right choice.
I’ll give you an example. It was my birthday last week. To his credit, he didn’t forget. But instead of taking me to a nice restaurant, French or Italian, which he knows I like, he took me to a sports bar to watch the game and eat wings. I tried making conversation but he just grunted, his eyes glued to the screen, spicy Buffalo wing sauce running down his chin. What’s worse, his team was losing and he shouted “Fucking cunts!” every time the opposing team scored.
I was heartbroken. I went into the bathroom and cried for ten minutes but I don’t think he noticed. That night I couldn’t sleep and gave serious thought to divorce but decided against it. For all his faults, he’s still a good guy. Besides, it’s not like other men are any different. I’m old enough to know that Prince Charming is a fantasy and it’s foolish of me to expect that of him but still, why can’t men be more romantic?
Signed,
Perpetually disappointed
Dear PD:
Call me stupid but I don’t see the problem here. By your own admission, he’s a good guy: has a job, isn’t abusive and doesn’t drink much.
(By my standards, he’s a fucking saint.)
Plus which, not only did he remember your birthday, he took you out for dinner and drinks and shared a special experience with you.
(You can’t make the playoffs without regular season wins.)
But, instead of appreciating it, you ran to the bathroom and cried.
(What is it with women and tears? The slightest thing will set you off. Coming home drunk. A rude remark. Sleeping with your sister.)
Still, to be fair, it’s not your fault. Like most chicks, you’ve been brainwashed by Hollywood into believing that love needs big gestures: a room full of roses, a bent-knee proposal and a diamond so big it would make the queen jealous.
But we men just aren’t like that.
(I’d be deeply suspicious of any guy who is. Because, odds are, you’ll come home early one day and catch him wearing your bra and panties. Which’ll be a double disappointment since, besides breaking your heart, he’s stretched them out of shape. And you thought you were losing weight.)
But you’re dead wrong about us not being romantic. We just express our love in other, subtler ways:
By suppressing our gas.
By not flirting with your friends.
By patiently listening to your problems.
By saying “No” every time you ask if you look fat.
By complimenting your every haircut, no matter how hideous.
By spending all day in a mall looking at things we have no desire to buy.
And by going to fancy restaurants, eating food we don’t like and pretending to enjoy it.
All this and so much more. It’s the fate of men to suffer in silence.
Even Hollywood knows that. What’s the greatest romance ever made? Casablanca. And what does Rick do after Ilsa leaves his bar? Get drunk.
“Of all the gin joints in all the towns in all the world, she walks into mine.”
That and hand her off to her husband at the end.
“Here’s looking at you, kid.”
That’s how we men prove our love: with alcohol, patience and self-sacrifice.
Just like your husband. What you see as selfish and inconsiderate behavior is really his roundabout way of saying he loves you. He could’ve taken anyone to that bar but he didn’t. He took you.
So next time he does something callous or unfeeling… look deeper. You’ll be glad you did. Because, odds are, he’s sending you a message, one you want to hear. You just haven’t learned the language yet. Hope this helps.
Sincerely,
Dale
Hi. If you’ve made it this far, you probably liked the story. So why not check out some others at my Medium page? https://medium.com/dear-dale
