Why can’t the Jews be like everyone else?
Dear Dale:
I have this co-worker. He’s Jewish. Told me he doesn’t go to church or eat pork or anything. He doesn’t even celebrate Christmas! What’s that about? Even Asians celebrate Christmas. And they’re a bunch of fucking heathens. What’s wrong with the Jews and why can’t they be like everyone else?
Signed,
Jingle bells forever
Dear JBF:
It all starts with this guy named Abram. He was living it up in Mesopotamia — modern day Iraq — where fruit falls from trees and nothing bad ever happens.
Problem is, he had no kids. These days, that’s a good thing. Means you can spend all your money on drugs and alcohol. Instead of diapers and tricycles.
But not back then. Because there were no nursing homes then. So if you didn’t have any kids, you had no one to take care of you when you got old.
(Don’t know why people are always complaining about the illegals. Who else is going to wipe your butt for minimum wage?)
Not only that. His wife was barren. Which is the Bible’s way of saying, can’t have kids: her eggs were scrambled instead of sunny side up.
But then God came to him and said: “This is your lucky day. I’m going to make you the father of a nation. And not just any nation. My favorite. A chosen people. Specially selected for centuries of misery and suffering. And all you have to do is cut off a bit of your cock. You and everyone who works for you.”
“Sweet,” Abram replied, and reached for his knife.
Imagine that. One day your boss comes up to you and says God told him to slice off part of your pecker. Just the tip. Which, as we all know, is a very important part. Don’t know about you but I’d be looking for a new job ASAP.
But, for some reason, everyone went along with it. The unemployment rate must’ve been pretty high back then.
God was pleased. Nothing turns Him on like a big pile of bloody foreskins. So much so He added “ham” to Abram, changing his name to Abraham. Which is pretty ironic since they don’t eat pork.
So Abraham and his wife and all their followers go to Canaan. On camels. And my guess is, it was a pretty rough ride. For the guys anyway.
But when they got there, the pickings were slim. So much so people were starving. Poor Abraham. Probably thought God gave him a bum steer.
But then God said: “Don’t worry. Just go to Egypt. It’s nice there. They have a big river and the people are friendly. Trust me.”
So he did. Problem is, the Egyptians had the hots for his wife, Sarah. Even though she was in her sixties.
(I’ve always had a hard time with that. One of the many things in the Bible that seems a bit iffy to me. Because I’ve never been into old women. You know, over forty. I’ll fuck them. But it’s mostly a pity thing on my part.)
So much so the Pharaoh made a move on her. So, to keep from being killed, Abraham pretended to be her brother and let the Pharaoh have her. Pimped her out, basically.
But then the Pharaoh caught crabs and realized she had been around.
Furious, he hauled Abraham in front of him.
“What the fuck?” he asked. “I thought she was your sister.”
So Abraham explained that yeah, they were brother and sister — half-brother and sister, actually — but married too. A sort of siblings-with-benefits thing.
“Jesus,” the Pharaoh replied. “You desert folk are sick. First your camels. Now your sisters. What’s next, your mother?”
And disgusted, he kicked them out of Egypt.
So Abraham went back to Canaan. Him and all his followers. Including his nephew Lot. Who had followed him all the way from Mesopotamia.
Problem is, they were both a lot richer now, goats and camels coming out the ying-yang, and the desert just wasn’t big enough for the both of them.
So Lot decided to settle down in a nice little town called Sodom. Figured it would be a good place to raise a family.
And it was. Till the homos took over. Turned out camels and sisters weren’t enough. They wanted to do the dudes too.
Next thing you knew, it was non-stop orgies. No one could get a wink of sleep with all the endless butt-banging going on.
Got so bad God sent some angels to check it out. But, just like Bethlehem, all the hotels were full.
“No problem,” one of them said. “We’ll camp in the town square.”
Fortunately, they ran into Lot, who knew better.
“Are you crazy?” he asked. “Do you have any idea what happens in the town square at night?”
So Lot took them to his place, which stood out like a sore thumb since it was the only one not well-decorated, fixed them a feast and they had a nice chat about the best way to prune your johnson.
But then, just as they were going to bed, the Sodomites showed up.
“Give us your beefy studs,” they said, “so we can rape them.”
But Lot, being a good host, refused and offered them his daughters instead.
(Even then, women were worthless.)
The Sodomites were furious. Felt he was judging them. Just because they wanted to gang-rape his guests.
“We’ll show you,” they said, and tried to break into his house.
So the angels threw some glitter in their eyes, temporarily blinding them.
“God was right,” one of them said. “These people are total fudge packers.”
“Better high-tail it,” another warned. “God’s going roast these fuckers.”
So Lot, his wife and two daughters, the ones he was going to toss to the mob, take off in the middle of the night.
Sure enough, next morning, fire and brimstone come raining down, scorching the city.
Unfortunately, Lot’s wife, worried about her doilies, looks back and is turned into a pillar of salt.
So now it’s just Lot and his daughters who, since all the dudes are gone, get him drunk and climb on top.
(Apparently butt-banging is bad but incest is okay.)
And so he fathers his own grandkids.
(Imagine that. You trace your family tree, hoping to run into royalty, and find out your grandpa is also your great-grandpa. Bummer.)
Getting back to Abraham, he and Sarah finally had that son God promised them. When he was a hundred and she was in her nineties.
(Again, a bit on the hard-to-believe side.)
And everything was hunky-dory until one day God said: “Hey, Abraham. I feel like seeing some blood. So why don’t you take your son out into the country, build a little altar and drive a knife through him? You know, make a day of it.”
And, believe it or not, he did.
Or would’ve. Until God stopped him at the last moment. Turns out it was a test. God wanted to see who he loved more, Him or his son.
(Like when your girlfriend forces you to choose between her and football. Lays down the law. It’s either that pre-season game you’ve been looking forward to all week or her birthday. I know which one I would choose. And do. It’s one of the many reasons my relationships never last very long.)
I don’t say this very often but… I feel sorry for the kid. Here he is, thinking he’s going on a camping trip and, next thing he knows, he’s all tied up, lying on an altar and his dad is standing overhead with a knife in his hand.
Now I don’t know about you but that sounds like child abuse to me. Don’t think I’d ever go camping with my dad again.
And what kind of guy does that anyway? People read the Bible and nod, like it’s all perfectly normal but just ask yourself: what if your neighbor did that?
What if, one day, while you’re sitting on your steps with a beer, the guy next door comes over for a little chat and, in the course of conversation, casually mentions that God talks to him? And not just to say hi. No, God tells him to whittle guy’s dicks and kill kids with knives. Would you be cool with that?
Doubt it. Odds are, you’d be speed-dialing the police the second he steps off your property. I sure would.
A whole bunch more shit happens — he has sex with a servant and pimps his wife out a second time — but basically, that’s it for Abraham.
The next big thing is Moses. Maybe you saw the movie with Charlton Heston. No, not the one where they eat people. Or the one where apes ride horses.
(Although those are pretty cool too.)
Once again, the Jews are in Egypt. They just can’t seem to stay away from the place. Like Mexicans crossing the Rio Grande in search of shitty jobs.
Hard to believe now that the place is just one big fucking desert but Egypt was the California of its day. The weather was good, crops grew easily and they even had a picture industry, although none of them moved. Still, any guy handy with a chisel could make a good living carving images into rock.
As such, people were constantly dropping by, coming out of the desert to water their camels or borrow a cup of frankincense. Some looked around, saw how easy the Egyptians had it and decided to settle down.
Next thing you know the country was full of foreigners and the locals, fed up. Too many Bedouin passed out in their piss in the middle of the market after discovering the benefits of beer. So the Pharaoh started a Make Egypt Great Again campaign. Kicked it off by killing all the baby boys.
(And you thought building a wall was bad.)
Naturally, the Jews were a bit put off. Decided the desert was better than that. Asked for permission to leave. But, just like here in America where we hate the Mexicans but still expect them to cut our lawns for almost nothing, the Pharaoh said no. Preferred to keep his slaves close by.
So then God, feeling sorry for them, appears to Moses in a burning bush.
(I’ve been in a few of those myself. Some women just don’t take proper care of themselves.)
Told him he had been chosen to lead the Jews out of Egypt back to Canaan, which He called a land of milk and honey.
That got Moses all excited. Thought that meant tits and pussy and was up for anything that might get him laid.
So he goes charging into Egypt and shouts: “Let my people go!”
But the Pharaoh wouldn’t budge.
“Who is this dick-whittler and why should I give a fuck?”
And, instead of giving them a paid holiday to go into the desert and worship their god, he made them work harder.
So naturally they couldn’t make their quota and the Pharaoh was pissed off. Called them slackers and had his soldiers beat them.
So the people came to Moses and said: “What the fuck, Moses? I thought you were here to help us.”
“I am,” Moses replied. “It’s all part of God’s plan. The Pharaoh treats you like shit and gets his later.”
“But,” some smart-ass asked, “if God is all-powerful, why doesn’t He just set us free now? Why do we have to suffer first?”
“Because,” Moses answered, “it’s not as dramatic. They’re going to make a movie of this someday so we need something exciting.”
“Besides,” he added. “You’re Jews. Suffering is what you do best. You should be used to it by now. Don’t you remember what we did to your dick?”
That silenced the crowd. Nothing like circumcision to kill a conversation.
So Moses went back to see the Pharaoh. But this time he brought his brother Aaron, who was a magician. Like David Copperfield.
“Not you fuckers again,” the Pharaoh said. “Now what do you want?”
So Aaron threw his stick down and it turned into a snake. But the Pharaoh had some guys who could do the same. Next thing you know, there’s snakes all over the place. But Aaron’s snake, being stronger, eats all the others.
(Is it just me or is that suspiciously homo-erotic? All that snake-swallowing. Maybe it’s code for an orgy. That Bible. Always so hard on the homos. And yet, can’t stop talking about it. The desert must do strange things to a guy.)
So then they moved on to the serious stuff: Aaron stuck his staff in the river and it turned to blood. But the Pharaoh’s magicians could do that too.
So then he caused the country to be swarming with frogs. And once again the Pharaoh’s magicians were able to copy him.
(Again, is it just me or couldn’t they have made better use of their powers? You know, like creating clean drinking water or healing people. Jesus, at least, had the good sense to turn water into wine.)
And so on and so on: gnats, flies, boils, hail and locusts. Not to mention giving the livestock a disease, covering the country in darkness and killing the oldest kid. And yet, the Pharaoh still said no. Talk about stubborn.
(Worse than my ex-wife. And that’s saying something.)
Don’t know about you but it would only take one plague to convince me. Turn the river into blood? Okay, fine. Take off. Have fun roaming around the desert in search of food. We’ll stay here where the living is easy.
But the thing is, it wasn’t really his fault. Because God hardened his heart. In other words, made him say no.
Now you tell me: is that fair? That all those Egyptians, most of them poor folk, suffer so much, just so God can make a big show of saving his people?
What’s worse, after the Pharaoh finally says yes and the Jews take off, he changes his mind and sends his army after them. But halfway through the Red Sea, which God has conveniently parted to let the Jews pass, the walls of water, like a double tsunami, come pouring down, drowning the Egyptians.
Now, again, I ask you: is that fair? Maybe the Pharaoh got what he deserved. But what about all those foot soldiers? One day you’re a farmer. The next, a soldier. Day after that, you’re fish food. Bummer. God is such a drama queen.
So now they’re back in the desert. But it wasn’t nearly as much fun as they thought. Settled life had made them soft. They missed the luxuries of Egypt. Things like food and water. So naturally they complained.
Some of them even wanted to go back. Started to wonder if Moses was just another Jim Jones who had led them into the desert to die.
So God rustled up some grub. Sent them a bunch of birds and some dew that could be turned into bread. Which they had to eat every day for forty years.
Now, I don’t know about you but if I had to eat the same thing every day for forty years, I’d want to go back to Egypt too.
Plus which, white bread? Morning movements must’ve taken forever. God may have given the Egyptians the plague but He gave the Jews constipation.
So then Moses goes up to the mountaintop to commune with God and while he’s gone his people decide to have a pleasant little orgy.
A month later he’s back and, furious that he missed out, smashes God’s rules on the ground.
Unfortunately, God had a spare. And so we got the ten commandments. Which explains the name of the movie.
Not only that. As punishment for the orgy — which, it turns out, is one of the many things you can’t do — God added a bunch more: you can’t eat owls, tear your clothes, kill burglars during the day, boil a baby goat in its mother’s milk or fuck chicks on the rag. I mean, really? What’s left?
After that the cult — sorry, religion — really gets going. The next few books are about establishing a priesthood, keeping God happy by killing lots of animals and making sure the people below you don’t have any fun.
Only then do they finally enter into the Promised Land.
But not Moses. Because he did something bad out in the desert with his staff. Banged it against a rock. Guess he’d had his fill of goats.
So, soon as Moses is dead and buried, the ancient Israelites — we can call them that now — come racing out of the desert, hooting and hollering and waving their swords in the air like something out of Lawrence of Arabia.
With much the same result. Next thing you know, there’s bodies everywhere. Men, women, children… all mercilessly slaughtered.
Now, you’d think God would be a bit miffed. His chosen people have just committed genocide. If a few overly enthusiastic butt-bangers get fire and brimstone, imagine what He’ll do to child-killers.
Nothing, as it turns out. Because God told them to do it. Seems He didn’t like the Canaanites. Because they worshipped idols made of metal.
This is where religion goes wrong. Up to then, the feeling was, the more, the merrier. Got a god? Great. Put him up on the altar with all the others. The Greeks. The Romans. The Hindus. They were all like that. Spiritual swingers.
Because no one really knew who or what ran things and, just like picking up women in bars, the more you hit on, the greater the chance of success.
But not the Jews. Oh no. They were monotheists. Which means only one god. And it had to be the right one. Or else.
The Bible is very clear on this. Over and over again, God describes Himself as a jealous god: besides demanding constant attention, He wants an exclusive relationship and gets furious when His chosen people look at other gods.
(Much like women. You meet one and she seems nice enough but, next thing you know, becomes unreasonable. Actually expects you to spend time with her. With food and everything. Instead of quietly sitting by the phone waiting for a drunken late-night booty call.)
At first, grateful for the land God has given them, the inflexible Israelites are stern as hell, tearing down altars and killing anyone who so much as looks at a pig with desire but, before you know it, they’re hooking up with local sluts, getting wasted on wine and filling their faces with ham sandwiches.
Naturally, God’s pissed off. After all I’ve done for you? Delivered you from the Egyptians and brought you into this land of milk and honey? And this is how you repay Me? By bowing down to idols and banging local broads?
Got so bad God considered sodomizing them. But there were always a few party-poopers who kept to the straight and narrow. Quietly cut their cocks and followed the rules. Enough for God to remember His deal with Abraham and decide not to wipe them out with fire and brimstone.
So instead He enslaved them. Had their neighbors come and kick their ass.
People like the Philistines. You may have heard of them. They didn’t like art. Or anything creative. Which is surprising since they were Greeks. The most creative people humanity has ever produced.
(Unlike the Jews who, let’s face it, aren’t exactly famous for their paintings.)
This goes on for oh, about a thousand years. The Philistines. The Egyptians. The Assyrians. The Babylonians. Every time the Israelites got soft, God sent some foreigners in to kick their ass and make them sorry.
Which they were. Nothing sobers you up like sitting in chains in a Babylonian prison. And each time they would repent, crying out to God to help them.
Which He did. But, as soon as His back was turned, they would hook up with their whores and start worshipping idols again.
(Like an addict coming out of the revolving door of rehab with his dealer’s number burning in his brain.)
Which makes you wonder how dedicated they were to the relationship. God may have chosen them but did they choose Him? Because it takes two to tango and every step of the way, all the way up to Jesus, they were rebelling and backsliding, worshipping other gods and having sex with local hotties.
Maybe Satan should’ve staged an intervention. Said: “Listen God, I know You’ve got Your heart set on the Jews but they’re just not into You. Maybe You should try someone else. Like the Hittites. Or the Sumerians. Or even the Sodomites. They, at least, have fashion sense. Anyone but the Jews.”
But no: God was stubborn. He made his choice and wasn’t willing to admit it was a bad one. And so, like the long-suffering wife of a womanizer, He was forced to endure their unfaithfulness. What’s that god got that I don’t have?
Well, for one thing, they’re fun. Given the choice between getting drunk and fucking temple prostitutes or slicing off a bit of your dick and reading the Bible all day, most guys are going to go for the former. I know I sure would.
And so did the ancient Israelites. Over and over again.
Which brings us to the main event: Jesus. You may not know this but He was born a Jew.
(I know. I was shocked the first time I heard that too.)
Which means that somewhere in the Vatican, buried beneath all the other relics, is the Holy Foreskin, which the Pope periodically pulls out so he and the cardinals can get a glimpse of Our Lord’s junk.
You’d think the Jews would be proud of that. Far from it. It annoys the hell out of them. For centuries they’ve been telling us there’s one, count Him, one God. And what do we do? Take one of their own and idolize him.
What’s worse, we’re pissed off they don’t join us. Of all the gods to worship, we chose theirs. So you’d think they’d be happy. But no. They’re as stand-offish as ever. And not only do they not join Team Jesus, they have Him killed. With a little help from the Romans, who are always up for a good crucifixion.
But you got to look at it from their point of view. Like if your younger brother becomes president and everyone’s always telling you how great he is but, to you, he’s still that whiny little brat who picks his nose and wipes it on the bedsheets. Imagine having to deal with that for two thousand years.
So, chafing under the safety and security of the Romans, the Jews decide to rebel and, convinced that God will help them, take on the entire empire.
But this time, fed up with their double-dealing, God lets them swing in the wind. Not only do they get their butts kicked, they lose their country and are forced to wander the world as refugees for almost two thousand years.
(Talk about bearing a grudge.)
After that, not much happens for a long time. Spread out across Europe and Asia, the Jews are the perennial pariah, always among you but never one of you.
(Like that guy who, uninvited, keeps showing up at parties and sidles up to you just as a joint is being passed around.)
And, like persecuted minorities everywhere, they defend themselves as best they can: by poisoning wells and killing and eating Christian kids.
(Just like Hillary Clinton.)
Occasionally, such as in Spain, they get kicked out. But they always find their way back. And, for the most part, they’re tolerated.
Until Hitler. Most people don’t know this but he only had one ball. Which made it difficult for him to walk. No balance.
(Which explains the goose step. To keep from falling over.)
Word has it that, one day at summer camp, some older boys held him down and a Jewish kid with giant knackers tea-bagged him.
Hitler swore revenge and, years later, got it. Six million in all.
(Just goes to show: it may all seem like fun and games but the things you do as a kid can have serious consequences.)
At which point God finally relented. Let them go back to Israel. Problem is, there were people there. And they’d been there a long time. Centuries.
So when the Jews rolled up and said, “Excuse me. I think this is my house. I used to live here two thousand years ago,” the Palestinians were peeved.
“Really?” they replied. “I think the statute of limitations is up on that one.”
But the Jews insisted. Said God gave them the land for all eternity. What’s a two-thousand-year break? Nothing.
So they fought a war over it. Several, actually. Which the Jews won. So now they control the whole shebang and abuse and belittle the Palestinians just like the Germans used to do to them.
(We like them a lot more now that they’re the bad guys.)
And then someone found a line in the Bible that says Jesus won’t come back until the Jews have their own country again.
(Two thousand years is a long time to wait and some people were starting to wonder if Jesus has stood us up.)
So they decided to take matters into their own hands by giving the Jews guns, money and even nuclear weapons. To speed up Armageddon. You know, that final battle between good and evil that’ll destroy the planet.
Which is what we’re all waiting for. People forget about nuclear weapons — these days, the focus is on the environment — but we still have them. They don’t go bad but do cost a lot and the day is bound to come when some guy, wanting to get value for his money, decides to fire them off.
It’ll be the end of humanity of course but who cares? Something’s going to get us — virus, asteroid, super-volcano — so it might as well be self-inflicted.
(Everyone’s talking about climate change but my money’s on the ozone layer. I’m not convinced that duct-tape is going to hold. Sooner or later those UV rays are going to come streaming through and we’ll all roast in our skin like pigs on a spit. No need for tanning salons then.)
So, instead of complaining about your co-worker, congratulate him on his stubbornness. You’ll be glad you did. Because history is full of nations that have come and gone, succumbing to the temptation to merge with their neighbors, disappear into the sea of humanity and re-emerge as something new. Language, culture, religion… it’s all temporary.
But not the Jews. Impervious to reason and common sense, they cling to their ancient rituals, secure in the knowledge they’re ridiculous and can only bring them grief. And for that, they should be commended. There’s too much rationality out there. Someone has to take a stand against it. Who knows? Maybe that’s what they were chosen for. Hope this helps.
Sincerely,
Dale
Hi. If you’ve made it this far, you probably liked the story. So why not check out some others at my Medium page? https://medium.com/dear-dale
