Part 49

To: GlennTTTT

Fm: DriveBri

Re: Panic Time

Glenn! My man Glenn! Sweet baby Glenn coming in for the win! Any progress with the female character in 2CDs (Two Cool Dicks)? Kinda need to scramble on that since I haven’t been making a ton of headway with the script. In fact, with the exception of that page I sent you awhile back, all my 2CD notes were destroyed when Wordslayer (my computer) crashed. (I don’t think I mentioned it but when I got the computer back from Alice, I discovered her niece and nephew had been playing a game called Club Antarctica (total baby game, but I found it v. addictive), which turned out to be a gigantic malware scheme necessitating a complete hard drive replacement. I had hoped to be reunited with it once I was digitized.)

And then, making matters worse, Jane told me I have to move out of her living room. I’m beginning to see why you two split up! JK, not really — she’s amazing (and looks caliente (hot) these days thanks to my dumb brother’s workout regimen). I’m pretty sure the eviction order was coming from Gendler (can’t bring myself to call him Doug). But guess what? I got the last laugh!

It all happened last night after I heard them arguing in the hall outside the apartment. I didn’t catch the full convo (conversation), but I heard Gendler saying something about “the next level” and then Jane saying, “But this level is fine.” It was relationship talk, almost certainly, as neither of them is into video games.

When they came inside, they were startled to see me. I could tell because Doug said, “You’re still here?” Jane added, “We thought you said something about a new job or something?”

“Yeah, I told you I was going to be digitized and uploaded. But it turns out I’m staying on the terrestrial earth after all.”

“Jesus,” Gendler whispered, and wandered off to the fridge to get a beer (I will say he’s been pretty cool about letting me have one once in a while, unlike Tommy’s strict policy where he numbered all the beers with a crayon).

“Okay.” Jane said. “I’m not sure what that means, but since you’re here, we should talk about the living situation.”

“I’m very cool with it,” I said. “The couch is perfect.” Then I lowered my voice so Gendler wouldn’t hear. “Do you think you could just let me know the nights when he’s coming over? I don’t mind you guys having sex, but I’d love a little advance notice.”

She stared at me for a second. “I’ve been very patient, Brian. Now, I know your movie quiz job can’t pay much — “

“Oh, I’m not doing that anymore. I had a talk with Jason Gleick — “

Doug, just walking in, was suddenly very interested. “Whoa whoa. Jason Gleick the weird internet guy?”

“Well, I think of him more as Jason Gleick my weird friend. Or almost friend. He said he wants to be friends.”

“Yeah right. You’re bullshitting.”

“Actually, no, I am not bullshitting.” I shot Jane a “can you believe this guy” look. “It just so happens, he really liked a short story I wrote for the Brandywine Fantasist.”

“That softcore story about Sarah?” He laughed.

“It wasn’t about Sarah,” I protested. (FYI, yes it was.)

“Yeah, right,” he said. Then he turned to Jane. “It was like a creepy porno fantasy story about Brian having sex with Sarah on a moon colony or some shit.”

“Sure, Doug,” I said drily. “A ‘moon colony’.” I gave Jane a second “can you believe this guy” look and explained, “I guess Jason Gleick read my story when he was a kid and really liked it. So when I told him that Glenn and I are working on a movie script, he got very excited. Sorry to bring up your ex-husband in front of your boyfriend.” That was for Gendler’s benefit — a stinging reminder that you’d been getting regular sex from Jane long before he started getting it.

He pretended to ignore my dig. “Unbelievable,” he said. “I heard Gleick was super crazy, but now I know it. What’s he like in person? I read somewhere that he only eats 1500 calories a day.”

“We talked more about literature and big ideas than how many calories we consume,” I retorted, with merciless shade.

“You’re full of shit, Conover.”

I looked at Jane. “So you’re okay with your boyfriend talking to your houseguest like this?”

Apparently, she was. “Brian, you have to find your own place,“ she said. “We can’t all fit in this apartment.”

And then Doug added sarcastically, “Since you’re such good buddies, maybe you should call Gleick and ask him for more money so you can get a cool place.” He laughed a little at this, perhaps at his own audacity, and I joined in, although I didn’t know why.

And with that, I took my laptop and went back to my part of the living room. It’s a small apartment, Glenn, but I do know when three is a crowd.

Not long after, I got this email:

To: DriveBri


Re: Request

Sounds good. Might be a spot in my building. I will help fund. Meet at 5:30 tomorrow morning to discuss over Sunrise Gel? Looking forward to hearing about “Two Cool Dicks”!

DriveBri wrote:
Fun to meet you! Any chance I could get a money advance to pay for a cool spot where I can write/live?

Speaks for itself, don’t you think? But actually, don’t think about that, I need you thinking about the screenplay!

— Bri