Dear Grandson: 11 Principles to Mature as a Young Man
Hey Champ,
As I think about topics to write to you about in my letters, I can’t help but recall the times when I was your age, navigating through the confusing yet exciting years of growing up. I understand that as a youth, this season of your life will be marked by many changes in terms of your circle of friends, interests and even in your romantic life. Thus, I thought it fitting to offer you 11 principles that have guided and allowed me to live a life as a meaningful and wonderful adventure. My hope for you is that you’ll develop into a man of holiness and virtue, ready to set the world ablaze with the unique gifts that God has given to you.
1. Seek to know, love and serve God
God loves you. He loves you unimaginably and chases after you with a fiery zeal — a flame tinged with passion and intensity.
However, at your tender age, you might wonder if there’s even a need for God. Sure, you’ve gone for Sunday Masses and pretended to be attentive during Catechism classes (when you’re really just staring at the cute girl sitting next to you). Your priorities especially at an early age will be largely centered on the cultivation of friendships, the chase after the latest trends so that you can fit in at school and the pursuit of your hobbies. Granted, all of these feel exciting. But I can ensure you that nothing feels more fulfilling and adventurous than a life spent with God.
It is important for you to understand at a young age that God isn’t an authoritative figure who just wants to make your life boring and uninteresting. God is, in fact, a loving Father. He is tender, kind and wants to know your everything. He wants to know the little struggles you have talking to that cute girl in class. He wants to share in your successes and bless you with great adventures! Plus, I can assure you that He will provide you with all the love and companionship you need! Stay true to yourself and strive to know, love and serve Him. Stay devoted to the Catholic faith despite all the temptations you will face from this world. Seek to encounter Him. Be a man of prayer and observe the sacraments, especially the Eucharist and Reconciliation. Never forget that you were made for Heaven and not the world.
2. Devote yourself to a higher cause
A man must have a mission in his life. He must consecrate himself to something higher. The pursuit of egotistical gain (e.g. the chase for material wealth to make yourself look better) will always leave you feeling empty. You are given special gifts by God which must be used for a mission that only you alone can accomplish.
The mission you pursue often doesn’t have to be thought over arduously. It’s already nestled deep within your heart. Pray about it. Reflect about it. But most importantly, have the courage to do something about it. A few good indications that you’ve found your mission are when:
- You feel closer to God
- You feel joy, peace, love and hope even in the midst of trials
- It’s oriented toward the service of others
3. Cultivate virtue
In a culture that wants you to stay as a boy forever, and to shun away from responsibility, I encourage you to consider the type of man you’d like to become and visualize how living a day in the life of that man would be like. If you seek to become that man, you must be deliberate and committed in making your vision become a reality. This will be a counter cultural endeavor. It’ll require virtues such as discipline, sacrifice, hard-work and maturity. Virtue is a habit and when continually practiced, your spiritual, emotional, physical and mental capacities as a man will increase toward the attainment of holiness. It’ll be tough, but in the long run, it’ll bear the most fruit. A deliberate fellow must put to every action the question: “Will this help me to realize the vision of the man I want to become?” If not, it must be abandoned.
4. Chase Wisdom, value education
School isn’t always going to be fun. But it’s very important to have a quality education if you want to attain a higher standard of life. As Mortimer Adler said:
“Education is the sum total of one’s experience, and the purpose of higher education is to widen our experience beyond the circumscribed existence of our daily lives.”
Education helps you to expand your mind to the world around you, to learn and adapt from past mistakes and to bring your mind to potential “could bes”.
Education is but a stepping stone toward wisdom. Through her comes sound judgement and the making of yourself one with God. Pursue wisdom — chase and learn from her. Lean on the shoulders of giants. Converse with wise men and thinkers such as the Saints. Befriend them through the reading of their writings. A good place to start is through the reading of the Gospels, Sirach, Ecclesiastes and the proverbs of King Solomon. Learn how to read to understand. Learn to think critically and ask good questions. Learn to reason through writing. And most importantly, befriend God.
“For the Lord gives wisdom; from his mouth comes knowledge and understanding.” (Proverbs 2:6)
5. Take educated risks and engage in prudent adventures
Ever wanted to know what a day in the life of a Benedictine monk is like? Visit the great Saint Bernard Monastery in the Swiss Alps to find out! There’s a vast difference between reading about Paris and actually standing on top of the Eiffel tower. Epic adventures can influence and impact your view of the world greatly. These adventures shape your understanding of the world around you, develops your propensity toward risk taking, quick thinking, pulls you out of selfish thought to empathize with peoples from different cultures and helps you to learn a multitude of ways to thinking and live, thereby helping you to answer your own important questions in life. As the writer of Sirach said:
“A well-traveled person with wide experience knows many things and talks sense. You can't know much if you haven't experienced much, but travel can make you more clever. In my own travels I have seen many things and learned more than I can put into words. I have been in danger of death many times, but I have always been able to escape by relying on past experience. (Sirach 34 9–12)”
I once spent five months living in Japan. In those few months, I dined with a monk from Bhutan, preached to a class of several different nationalities, traveled with friends from all across the globe, got lost in a deserted alleyway in Osaka and was chased down and bitten by a deer. Do not be content with mediocrity. A life with God is full of adventure and greatness.
6. Do not date until you’re 21
This, of course, doesn’t mean that you have to treat girls like bacteria and shun them away in your life. You’re encouraged to make many friends of the opposite sex, but the time for dating exclusively comes after the age of 21. The number might vary from person to person, but it should be made clear that you should only enter into a relationship when you’re spiritually, emotionally, mentally, physically and financially ready.
Often, when we’re younger, we tend to rush into relationships to fill an empty void in our hearts which only God can fill. We look for a warm body to be with to mask our fears of loneliness. We become more in love with the idea of being in love — the cuddles, hugs and hand-holding, rather than actually being in love with an individual. Much of this has to do with how society has treated singlehood as something to be avoided.
However, it’s precisely the season of singlehood that’s so crucial to prepare one for marriage. It is a time to let God romance your heart, to allow Him to heal your wounds, to develop meaningful relationships with others and to pursue the development of self. Remember God’s order for relationships:
Master. Mission. Mate.
7. Choose your friends wisely
Be true to yourself and your friends. Choose to seek the company of people who share the same values as you and seek to help you become the best version of yourself. I cannot emphasis enough the value of being in a community of young people who are seeking wholeheartedly for God and chasing excellence.
Whilst I was studying for my diploma, I was blessed to have been part of a community of friends that studied, ate, laughed, cried, played, prayed, supported, traveled and worked out together. We always challenged each other to do better. Before I grew close to these friends, I never scored above a B average. However, upon graduation, I was the valedictorian of the whole business school with many from my circle of friends attaining admission to top universities! Never underestimate the power of community. If you desire such for yourself, you need only to ask the loving Father!
“As Iron sharpens Iron, so a friend sharpens a friend.” (Proverbs 27:17)
8. Find a mentor
A mentor is of great value if you’re serious of growing in your spiritual life and in your journey as a man. Today’s culture provides many pitfalls and negative influences. Your youth is a time for learning and defining yourself and if you’re going to do so whilst navigating through cultural distractions, you’ll need a mentor.
Here are a few traits a good mentor should have:
- His life and actions should inspire you.
- He is mature in his spiritual, professional and social life with all his passions ordered toward God.
- He has a deep interior prayer life and a deep relationship with God.
- He’s a gentleman.
- He’s a critical thinker and reader, with a thirst for holistic excellence.
- He pushes, inspires, encourages, admonishes and holds you to a higher standard.
- He’s virtuous and shuns vice in his life.
I’ve had a handful of mentors in my life and the impact they’ve had on my development as a disciple was no less than incredible. They challenged me to standards of performance I would never have thought possible. It’s powerful to know that you have wise mentors who care for you and are intent on working on your development. The challenges they pose to you will tell you intuitively, “This man sees that I am worthwhile.”
9. Limit your use of social media and video games
This dictate not to immerse yourself in the video game culture is never popular amongst young men. However, think of the great Saints and men of the past — the ones who do wondrous things for the world. For instance, Blessed Pier Giorgio Frassati, who worked tirelessly in a vocation for social justice and in aid of the poor. Surely, he didn’t spend all his time at the theatre or in mindless forms of entertainment. Video games do not contribute to one’s success and character as a man. If some choose to argue against this, let it be, but others have more important work to accomplish.
10. Cut out pornography
The pornography industry is sinister and wicked. It degrades the beauty of sex and instead, promotes a culture of lust. As men, we are called to lay our strength down at the service of others. We are called to love — to will the good of the other. Lust however, is the polar opposite of the life giving love we’re called to partake in. It strips a person of their dignity and reduces them to mere objects for selfish use. When a person rolls in lust for all his life, when the time comes for him to love totally and fully, especially with his bride, he is uncertain how to.
Remember that sexual intimacy is a gift from God and is the expression of self-giving love which unifies the husband and wife. Treat your bodies as the Holy temples of God and choose to reserve sex as a gift for your future bride. Trust me, it’s worth it.
“Love can wait to give. Lust can’t wait to get” (Jason Evert)
11. Learn to be a servant leader with a vision
Lead by example, learn to take initiative and be responsible. Learn to take ownership, not blame others. Learn to influence, inspire, nurture and cultivate those around you. Learn to be a firm yet tender leader with a heart. Learn to chart for both the short term and long term. Learn skills which will be valuable and useful in the long run. If you are to be someone worthy to contend with, your development begins long before reaching mature manhood.
You are going to stumble and struggle at times in life, but always remember that God loves you and will never abandon you. He wants you to learn, grow and think for yourself but has given you all His strength and the entire heavenly court to be your aids!
Chase your dreams and never let anyone say you can’t achieve what you set your mind to. Lastly, love. Love till it aches.
Love,
Grandpa
P.S. God has given you His own parents, Mary and Joseph! Flee to them. You won’t be disappointed ;)
