How to Handle Being Patronized
Today’s question comes from Tansy, in the UK:
What advice do you have for dealing with being patronized by men in the workplace?
Condescension is probably one of the most subtle and pervasive forms of sexism female journalists experience in the line of duty. And the sin often compounds if you so happen to be young, old, of color, differently abled
— you name it.
Luckily, this problem has an easy solution: Punch the f*cker.
Ok ok… Just kidding. Still, it’s tempting to get aggressive when feeling patronized. Personally, condescension triggers my inner stand-up comedian and all I want to do is drown their smugness in sarcasm.
Please don’t do that either. It’s defensive and useless.
But since it’s just us girls here… these are the answers I wish I had given to several — REAL — comments from condescending colleagues.
Him — You should shut up and be grateful
Me — And you should be neutered. But we can’t all get what we want
Him — You may want to wear something sexy for that interview
Me — You may want to stop binge watching Mad Men
Him — Wow! That’s really… ambitious. Are you sure you are ready for it?
Me — OMG You’re right! I’m SO not ready for this. How about I go make you a sandwich instead?
Phew.
Now that we have gotten the vitriol out of our system, here are a few more professional, compassionate and effective steps:
#1 Be Honest
I’m not victim blaming here but our biases play a major role on what we perceive as an insult. So before you start fuming, ask yourself the following:
· Was I already upset/irritated before the person spoke?
· Is there a chance this person was just clumsy in his delivery?
· Is this just feedback I rather not hear?
If none of these apply, move on to the next step.
#2 Don’t Take it Personally
Stitch it on a pillow. Tattoo it on your forearm. Sing it in the shower:
“This is not about me.”
Other people’s insecurities are not your responsibility. Neither are their inflamed egos or unchecked entitlement. I promise, as bad as it feels, their condescension has less to do with your professional qualifications than it does with their high-school drama.
#3 Ask Them to Stop
There’s a very good chance that your patronizer is completely in the dark about his sexist ways. Here’s how to enlighten them:
· Open up gently: “Can I bring up something that I’ve noticed lately?”
“Can I ask you something?”
· Be specific: “ When you used the word ___”
“When you address me in that tone”
· Assert your feelings: “It makes me feel like ____” “It hurts/angers me”
· Ask for their perspective: “Do you see what I mean?” “What do you think?”
Hopefully at this point the perpetrator will apologize profusely and promise to do better, which you can follow up by:
· Providing an alternative: “Instead of saying ___, you could just _____”
· Acknowledging their small step towards personal growth with a genuine “Thank you”
But what if they refuse to change?
#4 Report It
If the behavior persists, you should consider reporting it to a higher-up or HR person. The constant questioning of your skills or qualifications can make for a hostile work environment and should be taken seriously.
Here’s a quick e-mail template:
Dear ______,
I wanted to bring up something that has been troubling me for a while now: _______’s use of condescending language in meetings. I’ve tried addressing the issue with him in multiple occasions but he persists in making disrespectful remarks such as _________, __________ and __________.
This is affecting our professional dynamic and I would really appreciate it if you could help us address the matter so that we can work better together.
#5 Let it Go
Even if you do all of the above, it’s easy to internalize condescending language. After all, we would not take offense unless we suspected that the slant is, at least partially, true.
So before you move onto the next e-mail, call or deadline… just take a minute to shake off any residual insecurity and remember your worth. You were just the target, not the source.
Love,
L
PS: Do you have a burning question? Hit me up at dear.laura@womeninjournalism.org
Hosted by the Coalition for Women in Journalism
Curated by Kiran Nazish
