How to avoid getting killed cos of your spouse
Don’t start nothing. Wont be nothing.
Dear Nephew,
Here’s what REALLY pisses me off?
That if you don’t look for trouble, somehow trouble will come looking for you, sometimes inches away from your face, showering it with saliva and bad breath at several octaves.
You’ll have to learn to de-escalate those situations.
As a man you will find yourself in various types of conflict, verbal and physical.
Whether that’s dealing with a male stranger on the street looking for a physical altercation or a woman, shouting at you and antagonising you.
In both situations, you’ll need to learn how to be counter intuitive and de-escalate the situation.
In the book of Proverbs, Solomon writes in chapter 15
A soft answer turneth away wrath: but grievous words stir up anger. The tongue of the wise useth knowledge aright: but the mouth of fools poureth out foolishness.
Ever notice how most (reasonable) people calm down, when you don’t return an insult or don’t match their shouting?
They get confused and are slightly stunned and to justify their own behaviour which they now recognize as irrational.
They try to goad you into shouting back, and when you don’t, they either stay calm or walk away.
That’s the fulfilment of Solomon’s advice and observation.
As a man, leader, Father, Husband, Son in Law, you’ll have to learn the art of de-escalation.
It’s unnatural to our self preservation instincts, that’s why like wisdom it has to be learned.
Your emotions will try and kick in to make you shout and return an insult.
Fight mode kicks in when someone comes at you with a physical threat.
There are few occasions in life when you definitely need to engage to set a boundary or nip it in the bud when there is no alternative. But in most cases you need to de-escalate.
Many high ranking martial arts experts advise walking away from fights rather than engage.
Their training was for the self confidence to handle themselves when trouble comes and there is no other option, not to engage with it every time.
Many men ended up in jail because they got into a fight and accidentally killed another person.
Others lost their lives because the other person saw it as a death match.
How do you know if that stranger won’t pull a knife or a gun rather than lose the fight?
De-escalation and sometimes losing face would have avoided either of those consequences.
Live long enough with any female; mother, sister, wife, teenage daughter, and she will say something to antagonise you,sometimes she’s not even conscious of this.
She’ll use inflammatory words, say something irrational or contradictory or make an accusation which would grind your gears.
Over time this is what leads some homes to domestic violence or constant arguments.
Obviously you should NOT hit a woman.
You maintain your frame and don’t allow her to push your buttons.
You don’t allow her words to get to you regardless of how infuriating or insistent she is.
You learn how to stay calm and de-escalate the situation without it becoming a shouting match or regretful things are said.
Now, this is not an excuse for argumentative women.
Notice red flags during or early in dating.
Address it. If you see no willingness to work on them and only hear dismissal, deflection, guilt tripping or blaming.
RE-THINK THAT RELATIONSHIP.
Is she more interested in being right and having her way than resolving the issue?
Is it coming from a place of pride or something deeper you have to explore?
Proverbs 21:9 say “Better to live on a corner of the roof than share a house with a quarrelsome wife”.
Some women can’t be appeased or deescalated , either out of ego, trauma or narcissism.
Don’t believe that “a real man” can handle her.
Hostage situations, Circus animals and Airport luggage need to be handled, not an adult.
In Christopher Nolan film, The Dark Knight(2008) Bruce Wayne’s butler monologues tracking down a thief whose actions made no sense as he threw away most of what he had stolen.
“some men aren’t looking for anything logical, like money. They can’t be bought, bullied, reasoned, or negotiated with. Some men just want to watch the world burn.”
This applies to some women in the 21st century who can’t be reasoned with because they’ve bought into “men are oppressors, “burn down with the patriarchy” propaganda.
Thus they are combative with any male they meet. Why these women still decide to get into relationships with men is an unsolved mystery.
Notice those red flags and create a wide berth.
Learn how to stay and speak calmly while under verbal attack, lies and accusations.
It’s a super power in a time when everybody has a platform to shout and scream their opinions and attack anyone who disagrees with them.
When you stay calm and maintain your frame then choose your words deliberately, you won’t say things out of emotion and won’t say things you’ll regret or can be used against you at another time.
Again this has to be done consciously.
This comes in useful in all aspects of your life, not just romantic.
In the business world and your social life, knowing how to de-escalate conflict helps maintain long term relationships.
De-escalation is also useful in other people’s conflicts.
Times will come when you have to step in between friends, co-workers, employees, family members and de-escalate a situation without anybody feeling you are taking the other one’s side.
For balance, keep an eye out for how the woman you are pursuing handles conflict.
In Proverbs 14:1 1 it says
Every wise woman buildeth her house: but the foolish plucketh it down with her hands.
You don’t want to keep hearing about fights between your wife and sister or mother, then have to step in to intervene and be accused of taking sides.
There’s a great scene in the movie, Gladiator(2000), where the petulant new Emperor Commodus is addressing the Senate and Senator Gracchus, challenges his statement.
Commodus with his bruised ego makes a threat and Lucilla, his sister, steps in, de-escalating the tension without either man losing face before the Senate. That is a wise woman.
Another wise woman was in the Old Testament.
Abigail, the wife of Nabal, a rich man foolish enough to insult the most dangerous warrior in the land.
Immediately a servant downloaded the situation, she gathered food and gifts to head off danger before he reached their camp.
She humbled herself and pleaded on her husband’s behalf and calmed David down.
She de-escalated a situation which would have turned into a mass massacre .
That is a wise woman. She didn’t dismiss it as “not my problem” or “that’s his business”.
She was proactive and boldly put her own life at risk by going to meet David.
Pray and stay vigilant for a wise woman who avoids unnecessary conflict, not the one who takes pride in how quick she is to cut people down.
Till next time
