BE THE NICE GUY WITHOUT FINISHING LAST
How to avoid simp-ing without becoming bitter or an asshole-
You are not her therapist, all or nothing at all
Dear Nephew,
Wow, so your first crush huh! I remember my first crush. How hypnotic it was and how enamoured i was by her. The Halo effect had me under it’s spell.
This is a natural phase and though it doesn’t feel like it right now, it will pass and there will be another and another. So thread carefully.
I know you try to be gentleman and while thats commendable, we live in a world where people take advantage of each other and see you as a mark they can grift, con and get things from.
Sadly these days “Be a Gentleman” usually means “Allow me to use you for my selfish benefit” “Don’t call me out on my bad behaviour” “Over look my petulance and treat it like its cute”
We get into trouble when we believe people will treat us as fairly and kindly as we treat them. When we take people at face value.
I’m sure you’ve heard the word SIMP being used a lot, as a throw away word or an insult.
While there are improper uses of the word it does have validity in social dynamics between men and women.
SIMP is an Internet slang term describing someone who shows excessive sympathy and attention toward another person, typically someone who does not reciprocate the same feelings, in order to win their affection.
TV shows and Movies romanticise the narrative of a man pursuing a woman for years and years who dates other men and either sees him as just a friend or treats him like a pest for years.
At the end of the movie or TV series, after she’s had her fill of lovers or is finally ready to settle down, she accepts him as the love that was there all along.
Think, Jenny and Forrest in FORREST GUMP(1995)
The man is celebrated for his persistence because she’s worth it
There’s nothing endearing about this. It’s pathetic.
This is a man who doesn’t value himself or time for a woman who takes him for granted and treats him like a retirement plan after sowing her wild oats.
What the movies and sitcoms don’t show is her lack of respect for him.
She sees him as a last resort, he’s the man she settled for and she’ll never hold reverence for him.
If her preference comes back into her life, the probability she’ll cheat or leave him is high.
Religious, shy or quiet men, who aren’t out just for sex and truly care for the girl often find themselves in this position.
Men who believe in taking their time to get to know her or no sex till marriage usually find themselves in this position.
They naively buy into the idea that
if i treat her well, give her time and stay around long enough to show her my good intentions and sincerity, she’ll love me back.
Unfortunately, it doesn’t work like that.
They usually settle for friendship and make themselves available to her like a genie. Her wish is their command.
The women who take advantage of men like this, keep him around as an emotional vibrator .
Called upon when she needs attention or validation, compliments and praise which she’ll never reciprocate.
Even when she’s in a sexual relationship with someone else, she wants emotional orgasms from him.
Why should she commit to the responsibility of a beast of burden that does the heavy lifting when she can get its strength and energy for free?
Such girls keep those guys around for favours.
He picks her up and drops her at home.
He takes her out or talks to her when she’s bored.
He buys her food when she’s hungry and fixes things in her house when she doesn’t want to spend money.
She brags to their friends about such men and mock them, storing their number under names like Free Food, Free Ride etc
She post on social media about their “Friend Date”, just so it’s clear that she is still single and available and he’s harmless, like a Rabbit.
This is like spending your life savings prospecting oil on land you don’t own or have no mineral rights.
It’s a waste of time. Even if you strike oil you get no benefits.
People will respect you more if you have boundaries. Subconsciously, people don’t like walking over you, but they will if you give them the opportunity to. Human nature 101 - Ayodeji Awosika
NEVER let yourself be in this position.
None of this is the girls’s fault.
Humans are self serving and will keep taking whatever is given freely or without resistance.
Doesn’t mean she shouldn’t be accountable but thats not in your power.
So focus on what is.
Playing the blame game is a waste of time.
It’s for the man to have higher standards of the treatment he accepts.
Before you do anything for her, ask yourself:
Would I do this for a male friend?
Would I do this for a woman I have zero attraction to?
Am I doing this in hopes that she’ll see me the same way I see her?
Are you expecting sex or something else somewhere down the line?
Be straightforward if you are interested in a relationship.
If she says NO, accept it with grace and walk away.
Take her NO as a NO.
Not “try again” or “keep trying” or “try harder to impress her and prove you’re serious” those are dangerous paths to walk.
Don’t beg.
Don’t plead.
Don’t ask her why or what you can do to change her mind.
Don’t call her names or accuse her of anything.
Don’t get angry and list all the things you’ve done for her
Don’t orbit around her, she’s not the Sun.
Come on man! Have some Dignity.
Be courteous, say “Hi” when you cross paths but don’t stick around hoping your presence will open her eyes and change her mind.
Your emotions won’t allow you to think clearly and many girls take advantage of those feelings.
See it as the same as being turned down for a job after an internship but still showing up at the office everyday and doing the same job because you think your loyalty will lead to appreciation and a job offer.
Under no circumstances should you be easily available to her more than you would any other casual friend ie taking her calls at odd hours, chatting with her.
You aren’t her bestie or her therapist.
Move on, so you can get over her: Pick up a skill, read a book, learn an instrument, volunteer somewhere, improve some part of your life, spend time with your male friends, pick up a hobby.
Can you be friends with a girl you find attractive but she doesn’t see you that way ? Maybe.
As long as you treat her exactly as you would your sister, cousin or a woman you don’t find attractive.
Don’t keep doing things for :
A girl who doesn’t reciprocate or complains if you need a favour or makes excuses to get out of helping at the smallest request.
A girl who flakes on plans with no valid reason.
A girl who loses interest when she isn’t the centre of attention.
A girl who loses interest when what she wants isn the topic of conversation.
Don’t even keep a friendship with an unreliable girl just like you shouldn’t with an unreliable guy.
ANY one way relationship is exhausting and unfair.
It doesn’t have to be an argument.
If you address it and she responds with deflection, denial, downplay or “but what about”, respectfully keep your distance.
People who lack accountability are dangerous.
Nothing is ever their fault and there is always someone or something to blame for their bad choices. They will frame you, throw you under the bus with no hesitation or remorse to save themselves from consequences
It shouldn’t turn into a fight or hostility.
Don’t lecture her. Don’t gossip.
You don’t want anyone carrying a grudge, seeking to punish you because of something you shouldn’t have said or done in anger.
The human ego is fragile and people nurse wounds for decades.
Male or Female, platonic or romantic, social or professional, such people are parasitic and only want to take.
Avoid them once you recognise this trait.
Please don’t let any of this make you paranoid or apathetic but be sober and vigilant of human nature.
There are wonderful girls out there who will reciprocate in a relationship and give as much if not more than they get.
Good luck with this crush and let me know how it goes.
Make smart choices kiddo
Till next time
Your Uncle
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