Saying NO and saying it often is a muscle to build
Why you must learn to say NO more often and not be guilted
Don’t build a prison for yourself and hand out the key
“Don’t be an ear tickler. Don’t be a chronic people pleaser.” ― Dr. Henry Cloud
Dear Nephew,
You are getting to that stage in life where your social life and status, your friends and being accepted by classmates and school mates is very important.
It never goes away, you’ll experience it in College, in the office when you start working, when you meet your in laws for the first time and other stages in life.
But it’s important to set the right foundation or everything will be shaky.
People pleasing is one of the worst places you will put yourself in life.
People pleasers find it difficult to say no.
People pleasers inconvenience themselves for others who’ll never do the same.
People pleasers spend time and energy for the ungrateful.
People pleasers live with anxiety of people not liking them
People pleasers don’t speak up even when they are wronged
People pleasers avoid conflict like junkies avoid rehab.
People pleasers walk on eggshells, afraid to upset anybody.
This is no way to live for any human.
“Every time we say yes to a request, we are also saying no to anything else we might accomplish with the time.” — Tim Harford
This is certainly no way to live as a man. Fathers have to play “bad cop” and endure their child being upset with them and running to their mother for comfort.
James Clear, Author of the best seller Atomic Habits, wrote
Most of us are probably too quick to say yes and too slow to say no. It’s worth asking yourself where you fall on that spectrum.
Men as husbands have to say No to their wife when she’s making demands based on how she feels in the present and not thinking of the long-term repercussions.
Adult sons with a family saying no to their mother when she’s making inconvenient demands and suggestions or else it causes problems with their wife, marriage, finances and parenting.
Father saying NO to his little toddler or his teenage princess no matter the sad eyes she gives him, when he knows the request won’t serve her ultimate good.
“The courage to be happy also includes the courage to be disliked. When you have gained that courage, your interpersonal relationships will all at once change into things of lightness.”― Ichiro Kishimi(The Courage to be disliked)
You have to learn and be ok with being temporarily disliked and out of favour with those you love the most and have those difficult conversations.
Investor,Author and Podcast Tim Ferris writes
“A person’s success in life can usually be measured by the number of uncomfortable conversations he or she is willing to have.”
You’ll have people make demands of your time, emotions, resources and they will never stop if you can’t say NO.
You become a prisoner in your own head once your decisions are filtered through people pleasing.
Clinical psychologist Dr. Henry Cloud wrote “A good test of a relationship is how a person responds to the word ‘no.’ Love respects ‘no,’ control does not”
HOWEVER
This isn’t suggesting you should be apathetic, insensitive or inconsiderate of people’s feelings.
Living in any community you’ll have to weigh options, make sensible compromises for peace, progress and calculated bets.
When you say NO and are uncompromising for long enough to someone in your life and they’ll soon go away.
But saying a reluctant YES just to avoid conflict from saying NO is an exhausting existence.
You will be at the mercy of the greedy, the entitled and parasitic who will suck you dry emotionally and financially, wipe their mouth clean and walk over your dry husk to the next victim, without a second thought.
You need to be comfortable saying NO and turning people down. Sometimes when you try to smooth things out ,its is not empathy or strategy but out of an aversion of displeasing people. You have been trained to be deferential, and you need to get rid of this impulse- Robert Greene
How do you avoid being a people pleaser?
Know that it’s not your duty to meet the every demand of another adult, even that woman you are in a relationship with.
If it makes you feel better, know that it’s not within your emotional and financial capability to meet every demand made of you.
Know that it’s impossible to please everybody, all the time.
Know that you have the freedom to decline or reject a demand if it takes away time, energy or resources from more important things.
You have limited time, resources and emotional bandwidth.
Choose wisely how any of those are dispensed. is it an investment, liability, charity or bad debt?
God in Heaven whose resources are infinite doesn’t answer every request made of him.
So why should you a human with limited resources attempt to do what he doesn’t?
Till next time
Your Uncle
If you like this entry in the #DearNephew series or know a young man who would benefit from them, please share and consider subscribing. Thanks
