When to (never) apologise “for the sake of peace”
Stop negotiating with terrorists; online or in your own home
STOP NEGOTIATING WITH THAT TERRORIST IN YOUR HOME
Yes you read that right.
Dear Nephew,
You have been lied to. Programmed and even indoctrinated as a man to just conced to Tomfoolery and Selfish petulance, just so you can get some quiet.
We’ve all been told to apologise when we believe we’re the wronged party , right?
A parent asking you to apologise to a sibling or an adult?
A teacher forcing an apology.
Let me make it clear upfront. This is not about ego or pride.
It’s about not conceding ground to bullies.
This applies in professional interactions and online engagement where people attack a post with vitriol and accusations, false assertions and name calling, to scare the poster into withdrawing their statement and rendering an apology, out of fear of loss and to appease the mob.
This also happens in personal relationships especially between men and women.
The culture has spent decades telling men to apologise to their wives just to end a fight or pacify their wife even when she’s the one in the wrong.
By default a man is in the wrong and should just apologise “for the sake of peace” .
If she upsets you and you mention it to her and she gets upset, you should apologise for upsetting her.
This has created at least 3 generations of women who expect apologies from the man in their life when he hasn’t done anything to warrant an giving an apology.
She can create a problem and all she has to do is throw a tantrum or start crying and in his desperation to return things to normal he apologises.
There is a quote that floats around the internet
“Apologising does not always mean you’re wrong and the other person is right. It just means you value your relationship more than your ego.”
The intention is good but It leads to ego and entitlement in a person who for decades has never admitted wrong doing and expects others to apologise to them.
How does she learn?
How does she assess her actions to do better in the future?
How does she consider how her action affects the other person?
Where is the humility to make things right?
What happens when she does this to a stranger who doesnt take it lightly
Will she pass this behaviour to your children? Teach them to never take responsibility?
Good men want to make their wife happy. They want peace and often settle for false peace.
What’s false peace?
Prematurely ending a vital conversation because she gets upset and turns it into an argument, deflects, denies or starts to cry to guilt or confuse. He ends the conversation without a resolution, just to keep the external peace. But behaviour remains,till nexttime.
Letting bad, petulant or disrespecting interaction slide because you don’t want to argue or have an uncomfortable situation or upset them.
This is like the parent that gives in to a child throwing a tantrum in public just to stop the attention it’s drawing.
The child knows that they will get what they want by doing this.
But this false peace doesn’t give him peace on the inside.
There’s a storm on the inside. Unresolved issues. When it stays unresolved for long it turns into health issues for many men.
It’s become so part of the cultural norm that there are memes with fathers teaching their son to apologise without knowing what they are apologising for to have peace with their wife. There’s something insidious about that indoctrination. Why is only one person apologising seen as acceptable?
The Bible says “All have sinned and come short of the glory of God”
It doesn’t say men have sinned, women are sinless.
“All scripture is given by inspiration of God, and is profitable for doctrine, for reproof, for correction, for instruction in righteousness”
Does this apply only to males? Only men need correction?
Now if she expresses something you did or said that upset her, it was unintentional or unconscious, then apologise and make things right.
Don’t let pride or ego get in the way. There’s nothing manly about that.
Don’t turn it into a “but what about when you did….” session.
Face the present issue and leave the past offences till this one is resolved.
But if you haven’t done or said anything wrong and she is upset because she didn’t get her way, her ego can’t handle being wrong or she starts an argument and you want it to end, don’t apologise. Don’t set that precedent.
You can’t spend life apologising to people because they have large egos, are entitled, want to avoid conflict or an uncomfortable situation.
Social media is full of bullies who think any opinion they don’t agree with owes them an apology or face attacks to their person, destruction to their career, loss of income, sponsorship aka cancelling.
In fear for their careers, public personalities and celebrities are forced to apologise for stating opinions certain demographics of the population don’t like.
A rabidly vocal sector of the population who scream the loudest like a baby demanding a diaper change or a toddler a tantrum in the supermarket, demanding a sugary cereal.
They are a digital mob who show up in the comments of an account with their pitchforks and torches .
Canadian Clinical psychologist Dr Jordan Peterson, no stranger to mob attacks, advices
“Never, never, never apologise to a mob. Particularly if you have done nothing wrong. You’re a poet. Tell them to go to hell and keep writing, for God’s sake……And if you apologise to a mob, a different mob will come after you anyway. That’s not an improvement.”
Now you can’t tell people you want in your life to go to hell, no matter how wrong or stubborn. Long-term relationships require diplomacy.
The spirit of the saying “Do you want to be right or do you want peace/to be happy” is right.
This should not turn into an ego-fest or pride.
Not everything will require you to dig your heels in.
There are situations where it’s not worth an argument, the apology is because you care enough about them and it’s about resolution not a quick fix.
You don’t want to “win” the argument and lose the relationship.
That’s like a business negotiation where one person feels like they got short changed or screwed but can’t back out.
Nothing good can come of that situation in the long term.
Address issues calmly, assertively and reach a place of understanding.
But apologising as default when an issue is unresolved to pacify a stubborn or egotistical person.
Is putting a bandaid on a cancer growth just to avoid the discomfort of surgery, a scar and the recovery process.
Don’t wire your brain to develop Mr Olympus size muscles for apologising just to avoid discomfort, conflict or an uncomfortable conversation.
It won’t serve you in any sector of your life.
In a romantic relationship pick your battles.
Constantly conceding because you want to avoid conflict only makes you a doormat/pushover, not a good man; and narcissists will wipe their feet on you.
Sometimes a woman just wants to be heard, feel wanted and attended to. Learn to recognise this, address it without being disrespected or losing dignity.
At that point it’s not about being right and her being wrong. It’s about listening and showing you care.
Make smart choices.
Till next time.
