Son, your life isn’t an open range. Build a fence
Jonah Hill’s experience shows why men must have and enforce Boundaries in relationships— #DearNephew
Dont be gaslit. You have a right to boundaries
Women are not the only allowed ones to have boundaries, you should, you MUST have boundaries too.
Dear Nephew,
I’m sure you’ve been taught to respect girl’s boundaries, physical and otherwise. Respect her personal and physical space and keep your hands to yourself.
AND YOU SHOULD,
But i’m sure nobody has told you that as a man you too must have boundaries which are respected.
YOU MUST
Clinical Psychologist and author Dr Henry Cloud in his book BOUNDARIES, describes it like this
“Boundaries define us. They define what is me and what is not me. A boundary shows me where i end and someone else begins, leading me to a sense of ownership. Knowing what I am to own and take responsibility for gives me freedom.
Taking responsibility for my life opens up many different options. Boundaries help us keep the good in and the bad out. Setting boundaries inevitably involves taking responsibility for your choices.
You are the one who makes them. You are the one who must live with their consequences. And you are the one who may be keeping yourself from making the choices you could be happy with.
We must own our own thoughts and clarify distorted thinking.”
Humans have an aversion for boundaries, physical or otherwise.
They want the freedom to do anything and express themselves in any spontaneous way they feel, and don’t want any sort of limitations imposed on them, certainly not by other people.
It’s a childlike rebellion many never outgrow.
Women emphasise boundaries. They demand men respect their boundaries.
They have boundaries in what a man can say to a woman “you don’t talk to a woman that way” “you don’t ask a woman that kind of question”
This is their right to exercise. But hypocrisy is not.
Because somehow many women can’t comprehend boundaries with men.
Part of it comes from the social belief that any physical/sexual attention from a woman is always welcome and desired by men.
Men have played a role in this social narrative.
The decadent notion that all sexual advances from a woman are welcome , unsolicited and without consent.
It doesn’t matter if it’s business, platonic or romantic.
Many women think it’s cute to push the limits and see how far they can go without pushback or consequences.
If a man rejects an unsolicited sexual female touch, or object many women conclude something is wrong with him, he’s gay, impotent or hiding something.
Everything else but a man not interested in her. How dare he?
Poems and love songs for centuries told women their mere presence, their breath, their touch was divine, magic, the closest to Heaven that he’s ever been.
Experiences with men pursuing them, trying to get a kiss, or into bed, makes it difficult for many women to comprehend a man now rejecting touch or physical proximity.
Part of it is from the cultural programming of how the two genders relate.
The male as the pursuer, the female as the pursued.
The male as the smitten, the female as the object of affection.
The male as the provider and female the recipient.
That’s why when a woman is trying to be cute or playful around a man who’s occupied or not in the mood, she persists.
Maybe because as a woman she plays hard to get and expects the man to continue so she can console herself that his persistence broke her resolve.
People with strong boundaries are not afraid of a temper tantrum, an argument, or getting hurt. People with weak boundaries are terrified of those things and will constantly mould their behaviour to fit the highs and lows of their relational emotional roller coaster- Mark Manson
BOUNDARYLESS
Social Media went wild on the 9th of June 2023 when screenshots were released by the ex-girlfriend of Wolf of Wallstreet actor, Jonah Hill. From the 2021 break up.
She likely did this to ride the wave of attention of actress Keke Palmer’s baby daddy expressing his disapproval on twitter about her dress and her response to Usher serenading her.
Twitterverse have labelled Jonah “misogynist” “controlling” manipulative” for politely telling his girlfriend he wasn’t comfortable with certain behaviours.
The accused him of trying to stop her from “doing her job”. Cited he “met her that way” “trying to change her” and blah blah blah Patriarchy etc etc
I don’t have a dog in this fight, nor am i a Jonah apologist, nor will i throw him under the bus.
Me, i don’t believe Jonah should have dated her in the first place, knowing the kind of job she did, the outfits that come with the territory and likely seen her photos online.
Mutual attraction doesn’t mean that a relationship must happen when values and journey are divergent.
But humans are rarely rational when it comes to romantic interests , pursuits and choices. That’s where we make the dumbest choice, which are obviously Kamikaze to everyone else.
The outrage and name calling is a reminder that many women don’t believe a man has a right to be selective, have preferences with a woman more attractive than him.
How dare this average look, former fat guy dare put limitations on what a baddie can do. Who does he think he is?
They equate any valid objections to her public sexual behaviour or pictures as controlling.
Can some of what he said be controlling in some situations? In some relationships? YES.
But from that text there was valid reason for him to be concerned about
the female friends she spent time
the male friends that were boundaryless
Maybe there’s context we don’t know.
None of us lived with them and we only know one person’s side of the story and humans rarely admit their complicity when they need to be seen as the victim and the other person as the devil.
But from the reaction to the Palmer situation and now this.
Sounds like they want the freedom to live Boundaryless, no restrictions, enjoy the lust, infatuation and attention of other men.
But same girl would raise hell if her man took a 5 second glance at another woman or like a hot girls picture.
Maybe other things transpired that actually were controlling or have to do with his own issues.
But her posting the 2021 conversation in 2023 shortly after he had a child may be an indication that she is not the innocent flower she would have us believe.
A lot of times its a power play, like a tyrant with no accountability
A take away from all this is
Know enough about a woman’s values, moral compass.
How she conducts herself, the kind of friends she keeps and influence her, before making any serious commitment to her.
It’s difficult enough to change oneself.
DON’T enter a relationship hoping to change a woman into something different than what you met.
Assume she will never change internally or externally. Her values or lifestyle. And ask yourself
“Can i live with this if she never changes?”
Here are some Boundaries you need to have in place
PHYSICAL:
Everybody has a right to boundaries; physical, emotional, social and otherwise.
To draw lines about where and how you don’t like to be touched. How you don’t want to be spoken to.
She must respect your physical boundaries.
Consent is critical.
Respect physical space, read body language and learn to notice when she is uncomfortable and hasn’t verbalised it.
Understanding Non verbal communication is important when it comes to interaction with women.
It’s not cute or romantic if she ignores her plate and puts her hand in your food if you’ve told her you don’t like it or after saying she didn’t want a meal, now wants to partake in yours because she changed her mind. That’s what a child does.
No matter the jokes on social media and stand up comedy about expecting or anticipating that behaviour.
It’s not normal. It’s joked about and accepted because the man doesn’t want a fight or a bad mood but it shouldn’t be.
Some people have childhood trauma relating to scarcity or bullying with food.
Imagine being triggered by the one person you’re meant to be comfortable around.
Imagine a man with undiagnosed OCD being told to endure someone constantly messing around with his personal items and the person laughing off his protest, accusing him of being stiff or making her feel guilty.
It’s not cute or romantic if she keeps taking your hoodies, shirts or stretching or boxers IF you’ve told her to stop or they hold significant meaning and she wears them for chores.
Her justifications, emotional blackmail or comparisons to “other girl’s boyfriends” are irrelevant.
Most girls who have ever had room-mates know how territorial they are about their stuff being taken, touched or used without consent.
So why cant a boyfriend be given the same regard?
If this was money or jewellery, we’d call it what it is, stealing.
Don’t be mean or brash, rigid or mean. Approach it with wisdom. Sometimes let is slide.
But know when it needs addressing.
She will protest, make excuses, and claim you are making a big deal out of nothing or aren’t romantic.
She will try to guilt trip you and accuse you of rejecting her affection, wanting to feel close to you or making her feel bad for wanting to connect.
Don’t apologise or be guilted for wanting your boundaries to be respected as you respect hers.
Sometimes you have to be “mean” and bluntly set a boundary for those who repeatedly trespass.
Dr. Henry Cloud cites
“We can’t manipulate people into swallowing our boundaries by sugarcoating them. Boundaries are a “litmus test” for the quality of our relationships. Those people in our lives who can respect our boundaries will love our wills, our opinions, our separateness. Those who can’t respect our boundaries are telling us that they don’t love our nos. They only love our yeses, our compliance. “I only like it when you do what I want.”
Romantic relationships aren’t the only place with boundaries, they include your friends, siblings, parents, neighbours, people at your place of worship, etc
Anybody who can make demands or have expectations of your time, energy or resources(emotional, financial, connections).
TIME
Time is the biggest boundary, especially before you get married.
The American comedian Bill Burr jokes that you should never let your woman know you have a free day because she will find an activity to fill it.
If you aren’t careful you’ll get nothing accomplished or have any downtime to just relax or connect with your other relationships.
There are days you’ll need to enter a concentrated state of what psychologist Mihaly Csikszentmihalyi termed, FLOW
a mental state in which a person is completely focused on a single task or activity. They are directing all of their attention toward the task, and they do not experience many thoughts about themselves or their performance, aka THE ZONE
and she’ll want to talk, text, and spend time with you and doesn’t’ care that you have a deadline and don’t want to break your concentration.
The irony of it all?
If a woman knows you are at her beck and call. She’ll soon take you for granted or just plain disrespect you.
It’s the law of supply and demand and if your time has endless supply; she’ll enjoy it for a short period, get attention on speed dial but will tire of it.
It’s too predictable and women like a variety of emotions, a level of uncertainty. So you are making it too easy for her.
Some women like to complain to their friends how her man didn’t pick up her call or took long to answer her text and guilt him into making it up to her.
It gives them something to do, its unpredictable emotional variety and when you do make it up to her it’s satisfying.
How can she argue with you or accuse you of neglecting her when you are available whenever she wants?
She may not even know this on a conscious level but FEELS it strongly.
It makes no sense to a male brain but that’s just the way it is.
Focus on your purpose. Stay on the course of your mission and make the best of yourself, maximising your potential.
As a single man life is more than chasing women.
Proverbs 31:3 Give not thy strength unto women, nor thy ways to that which destroyeth kings.
When you get married you’ll have enough of your life building with A woman, singular.
RESPECT:
On average a woman uses more words than a man to pass a point.
A Father will call his adult offspring and get his point across in less than 10 minutes, a Mother can be on the phone and spend 45 minutes before she does.
Many books cite female children as better communicators because of their verbose stamina and use of verbal communication than their male contemporaries.
I’m not saying that men are better communicators and generally women are more willing to verbalise their emotions using more words and speaking for longer than a man would.
But speaking more words for longer is not automatically communicating better.
By probability the chances of saying something inappropriate or insensitive, significantly increase for those who never stop talking.
The Bible says
“In the multitude of words there wanteth not sin: but he that refraineth his lips is wise. — Proverbs 10:19
Women get verbose when they want something, are angry or complain about things.
Some of them end up saying insensitive things to the men in their lives or outrightly disrespectful and it’s dismissed as an emotional expression, he should ignore the tone and listen to her message.
This is not right asking someone to accept verbal and emotional abuse.
YES, listen to her hurt or concerns but address the means she uses to express it in a way she doesn’t feel attacked.
Nip it in the bud early and reinforce it till she is as cautious with her words as she expects of you.
DO NOT be condescending. DO NOT lecture her. She is NOT a child to be scolded.
Don’t negotiate respect. Don’t beg for it. Don’t put yourself in a position to demand it. Certainly don’t beg for it.
If she’s chosen to be in a relationship with you but gives you terms and conditions, and fiery hoops to jump through to EARN her respect.
Just end the relationship, respectfully. Its non negotiable.
Hanlon’s Razor is a rule of thumb
“never attribute to malice that which is adequately explained by stupidity.”
However, I don’t recommend thinking of her as stupid, that’s another rabbit hole you don’t want to tumble.
Don’t assume she said it to hurt you, that’s a quick way to frustration and resentment.
Conventional narrative states that women are more sensitive than men, which is true.
But their sensitivity is about themselves, what is said to them, about them or what they are denied.
A primal protective instinct which for good women extends to their children.
Many don’t reciprocate the same to men, don’t show the same level of sensitivity they expect.
They don’t have a filter in how they speak, tone and nuance. She wants to speak freely and say her mind.
He is expected to “take it like a man” “man up” “not get into his feelings”, “stop being so insecure” . Not see it as a big deal and focus on her needs.
You don’t see this in romance movies or books because their audience is women and it’s only men who can be insensitive.
And if she is insensitive, it’s glossed over , excused as “emotional” “time of the month” etc
No, most times that is the same EGO that men are called out for.
Any man in relationships with women would testify to how women speak, mothers, wives, girlfriends, sisters.
How cruel they can be with their words intentionally and unintentionally.
Women can testify how cruel women can be to each other, from girlhood in the playground, high school, sorority to the office. Even close friends, especially when they fall out.
MEAN GIRLS(2004) was a wake up call to males still naive enough to believe all pretty girls are Sugar,Spice and everything nice
There is no nobility in silent suffering in a romantic relationship.
It does not make you a man to endure endless hypocritical insensitivity and disregard.
It does not make you a man to endure verbal or psychological manipulation no matter how many pandering relationship coaches claim it’s natural part of living with a woman.
A majority of relationship coaches not women are the ones buying their books, paying for their seminars, so they will not say things that offend those who pay for their live.
Nor any truth that would not allow them have peace in their home.
Rochelle in Everybody Hates Chris and Lois in Malcom in the Middle, were abusive wives and mothers.
It’s easy for the comedy framing to hide it and how troublesome her kids were to justify how crazy they responded.
But abuse is abuse.
Psychological abuse is just as serious as Physical abuse and no man should accept this as normal. Told to endure it and show her more love to stop it.
Dont let anyone. Not media, Not relationship coaches, Not married men. gaslight you into thinking that kind of behaviour is just part and parcel of being with a woman.
It’s an enabled and learned behaviour from desensitisation to misandry.
Pick your battles wisely. Not everything requires confrontation.
It’s up to you to discern when each situation arises.
BUT Boundaries have to be drawn.
Make smart choices kiddo.
Your Uncle
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