Why you need a healthy relationship with yourself before seeking a romantic relationship- #DearNephew
Dear Nephew,
As a man it’s essential to have healthy self respect. Not ego or pride but respect for yourself as you would expect anyone to treat your parents when you aren’t present. The health of your self respect determines how you think about, and treat yourself. The treatment you accept from others.
How confidently you address being treated and spoken to by others, despite their objections or cultural programming.
Especially regarding women, who often “shit test” and push the boundaries to see how far they can go before they meet resistance. This could be a woman you meet for the first time, know casually, work with or are in a relationship.
The relationship with yourself has three parts; physical, spiritual, and psychological.
Physical — Diet and exercise. What are you feeding your body? What foods are you eating? If your body is a temple, are the foods you give it performing at its best capacity? Are the choices you make in what you eat and drink beneficial for your 50s and beyond?
Spiritual — What are you feeding your spirit? What are you watching, listening to, and reading ?
Psychological — What do you think about yourself? What do you say to yourself about yourself? Self talk and conversation.
“Self-esteem is just the reputation that you have with yourself. You’ll always know.” Timothy Ferris
“Stop saying those things that make you weak and ashamed. Say only those things that make you strong. Do only those things that you could speak of with honour”.― Dr. Jordan B. Peterson
Do you see yourself as worthy of success, respect, honour, and a great relationship?
Do you think of yourself as capable of overcoming adversity, coming back from failure, and fighting the odds?
What thoughts do you accept about yourself when things go wrong or you experience rejection?
Your self-image determines what we expect of ourselves and how we allow people to treat us. People with low self-esteem don’t see themselves as worthy and accept whatever they get, including disrespect and abuse of various kinds.
A man with low self-esteem won’t negotiate for the worth of his skills and time. He will be grateful for the attention he gets from an attractive woman, he’ll accept the barest minimum from her. He will also not go after opportunities because he disqualifies himself.
Neuroplasticity expert Dr Shad Helmstetter, in his book “What you say when you talk to yourself” writes
“If everything you tell yourself about yourself becomes a directive to your subconscious mind, then anytime you make a statement about yourself that is negative you are directing your subconscious mind to make you become the person you just described — negatively!”
Don’t tell yourself, “I’m not good enough” “I don’t deserve her” “She’s too beautiful for someone like me” “I’m lucky she chose me”.
Many husbands talk down about themselves on their wife’s birthday, their anniversary or Mother’s day.
They talk down on themselves and their role in the family to talk up their wife, as if, he must decrease so that she must increase.
There’s nothing humble or romantic about that. Your subconscious will believe it and make you act accordingly.
The late actor, philosopher and martial artist, Bruce Lee said
“Don’t speak negatively about yourself, even as a joke. Your body doesn’t know the difference . Words are energy and cast spells, that’s why it’s called spelling. Change the way you speak about yourself and you can change your life. What you are not changing you are also choosing”
Avoid self deprecation and while you should be flexible with friendly jokes and teasing, don’t let anyone get comfortable talking down to you or speaking disrespectfully.
Address it. Publicly or privately .
Sometimes you have to do it publicly so those around you know you don’t accept it.
Other times you have to call them aside and do it privately, some people don’t like being corrected publicly, they feel intentionally humiliated and hold a grudge.
Play it by ear for each situation.
Shad Helmstetter writes, “Programming creates beliefs, beliefs create attitudes, attitudes create feelings, feelings determine actions, and actions create results.”
The world is constantly transmitting programming, other people’s agendas to do their bidding for their sole benefit. So be intentional about what programming runs your mind.
Till next time.
Your Uncle
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