South Park Meets Tableaux
You’ll be happy to know that due to yesterday’s attempt at portraying Jesus’ birth, I’ve crossed two items off my ‘what new career to explore in retirement’ list — namely, stage director and preschool teacher. This play review appeared in “The Onion”:
“This amateur production contained both the drama and humor of any Shakespeare play, but the level of anarchy rivaled something like the Occupy Movement and uncooperative costumes served to enhance their characters. Between the reluctant, sometimes controlling Mary and the recalcitrant, indecisive Gabriel, the two commonly-held heroes (besides a newly-born baby Jesus, who did a stellar job) were unconvincing in their roles — entertaining for all the wrong reasons. Joseph, on the other hand, contributed a strong and desperately needed steady presence, while the lone shepherd evoked the wonder and innocence usually associated with the Christmas story. The big surprise of the evening was that Herod, of all people, was the true hero since he apparently volunteered for the part late in the game and then not only agreed to appear without a scary costume, but to sit quietly among the darling sheep and little angels without saying a word. However, the person who saved the day was the guy who accompanied “Silent Night” on keyboard, as the other songs were sung a cappello by people who should’ve known better.
I knew something was awry when I picked up a program upon leaving the venue. As anyone who’s been to a play knows, it’s customary for the people involved to write a brief bio and include those to whom they feel grateful for having been launched to such heights, customarily including “my family, friends and God.” In this case,the Director included “those wonderful parents who produced the children without whom this wouldn’t have been possible.” The entire piece was scribbled over with red magic marker and replaced with “coffee that gets my ass going in the morning, and alcohol that helps me forget how bad I feel about stupid stuff.” I decided to follow up with a post-play interview:
Me: So, did the play turn out as you hoped or expected?
Her: Are you kidding? The effing gig was doomed before it even started, mostly because Mary wanted to put a cap on how many sheep the poor little shepherd could bring along to the stable. And then she wanted to write Herod out of the script, after we went to great lengths to get him in at the last minute.
Me: Why do you think that was a problem?
Her: Because Joseph and the shepherd were both excited about Herod being included. It was a power struggle of enormous proportion.
Me: Wouldn’t that have been scary for the little ones?
Her: Yes, but it was her idea in the first place. Plus, Joseph assured her that Herod actually becomes a good guy in the end (his dad obviously doesn’t know his Bible very well) Meanwhile, Gabriel was initiating a mutiny.
Me: Do you think you have anger/control issues about this?
Her: (with an emphatic demeanor and the maturity of a 4-year old) I don’t want to talk about it, stupid , pee-pee, poop!
Me: Will you ever do this again?
Her: Maybe we’ll try Christmas caroling at an old folk’s home next year.
So, if this was supposed to inspire a ‘How to create successful plays with little kids’ handbook, it was a colossal failure. But if it was supposed to highlight the human condition struggling with uncertainty, ego, control issues, indecision, fear, disappointment, and impatience, then it did its job. After all, as most people know (except those who read “The Onion”), Jesus’ name Emanuel means ‘God with us’, which means that either the Dude/Dudess is crazy OR…. well…maybe…just God…. OR both. Which is why Jesus’ birth has to be celebrated every year so we’re reminded that LOVE really did come down at Christmas to share our humanity, to save us from ourselves and invite us to live into that reality. Now that’s some serious shoit, let the babies be born!
Merry Christmas!
Scrooge”
Blessings and love from the Recovery Unit at Steiner Rehab,
Gaigs