Letter#3: Add me to the list

Dear President Trump,

I recently heard that you will be publishing a list of crimes committed by immigrants. I am writing to request that you add me to that list. Please put me down as an illegal immigrant who has committed a crime.

I don’t think you would look at me and consider me to be an immigrant. But after thinking about the things you’ve said about immigrants in the past, you’d have to count me as one. An illegal one at that.

I am white, which means my ancestors immigrated here at some point or another. On one side of my family we have a family tree tracing back to a man named Valentine who came from Germany in the early 1800s. I have no idea if Valentine immigrated here legally. (I’m not sure they actually filled out much paper-work in the 1800s.) As for the rest of my ancestors, I am clueless. There are no documents to follow.

So lets just assume, in the abundance of caution, that those first European travelers were illegal immigrants. I’m sure they didn’t fill out their forms with USCIS.

Also, while you were on the campaign trail, you suggested the “anchor babies” should be a thing of the past. In a discussion with reporters on Aug. 19, 2015 you said,

“The parents have to come in legally…. Now we’re going to have to find out what’s going to happen from a court standpoint. But many people, many of the great scholars say that anchor babies are not covered (by the 14th Amendment). We’re going to have to find out.”

This would mean that I am an anchor baby, born to anchor babies, who were born to anchor babies, etc. I’m sure you and your “great scholars” would agree that this makes me and the rest of my family illegal immigrants. Generations of us.

Now for my crime: Once, when I was 13 years old, I shop-lifted some nail polish from a grocery store. I still feel bad about it to this day.

So please, go ahead and add me your list. I’m one “bad hombre”. It’s still unclear whether you will be publishing names associated with the crimes, so I’ll just assume that if I see anything like “theft” or “shop lifting” that you got my letter and honored my request.

Thanks in advance,

p.s. I think this “list of crimes” thing is a good idea. I’m going start publishing my own list, but it’ll be of crimes committed by US politicians. I’ll start with “defrauding students with fake university” and move on from there.

ps.ps. If you have a meeting with Angela Merkel please put in a good word on my behalf. I am hoping Germany will take me when it comes time to deport me.

A version of this letter was sent to President Donald Trump. Feel free to use this letter and it’s content as a template for writing your own letter to the President and other elected officials.

President Donald Trump
The Whitehouse
1600 Pennsylvania Ave. NW
Washington, DC 20500

Whitehouse Contact Page