Daddy Diaries, Part 5: The Shirt Game

Do you guys feel the heat? Oh sorry, it’s actually just my Dad-vibes coming in hotter than your hair straightener ever since I found my true fashion calling: patterned shirts.

These days you’ll find me chasing after toddlers while rocking an exclusive wardrobe, which contains only the most unique form of artwork and design. This lifestyle choice requires precision, craft, and several years of fatherhood, so please don’t try this at home without proper training.

That being said, I’m going to take you behind the scenes into my closet and share some of my favorite Dad-shirts, so you can get a glimpse into the level of mastery and maybe try for yourself if you’re ready.

The “Girl, oh no he Didn’t”
No logic can explain the sheer exquisiteness of this floral arrangement. I saw this shirt hanging in the streets of Hyderabad, India and I said to myself, “party on.” What you’re seeing is an intricate labyrinth of artistry. Do not — I repeat, do not — stare at this for too long because you will get lost in its complexity. Please use precaution when shaking my hands.

“Are you wearing a carpet?”
Was the question my wife asked me. “Only to the untrained eye,” I replied. It is said that a pattern like this only comes along every 12 blue moons. This shirt is yelling even when I’m quiet.

The Polka Party
The multi-color dots are a subtle way of letting people know you are ready. Ready for what, you ask? Ha. Only when you wear this shirt will you know the answer.

What is the Speed of Swag? 
Have you ever seen a jet fly by, the speed of sound catches up, and then you hear the boom only after it passes? That’s what happens when I’m in this shirt. I have to remind myself to slow down when having conversations because I’ve accidentally blown people away with this assortment of scooters and palm trees.

Poker Face
This shirt leaves people asking questions as they watch me transform into a deck of cards right before their eyes. What is he thinking? What is he about to say? What is he pulling out of the front pocket? Is that a chapstick? You bet it is, Debra. You bet it is.

Pandemonium
The title is misleading because there are no pandas. In fact, what are you are looking at are Zebras. And that’s exactly what I am talking about. If you put this long sleeves shirt on, add a jacket, you’re automatically transported to level 100. Plain and simple.

Swag at your own Risk
Caution. Danger. Beware. I wear this ocean feeding frenzy only if I have to “attack” something important — like sitting down to eat a California burrito.

The Penny-Farthing
I stopped dead in my tracks when I saw this magic piece of cotton on the store rack. I took a deep breath, checked the tag, and it was in fact my size. I went to the cashier and lifted my hand slowly for a high five. Up high. Down low. Too slow. I was already out the door riding this shirt into the sunset. He had no idea what hit him.

The Party Shirt
This is it. What you are looking at is my holy grail of Dad-shirts. I only take this bad boy out on rare occasions that there is a need to turn up the volume — which doesn’t happen often since my wife and I are usually out cold by 930pm. If you see me in this shirt then you know it’s about to go down, so go ahead and tighten your belt buckle up one notch. The sunglasses and sailboats literally give me energy. I almost bought a boat because of this shirt (a story I’ll save for later). I mean, can you feel the wind in my hair? I can.

Well, there it is, folks. A rare glimpse into my Dad-fashion. I look forward to seeing other Fashionable Fathers on the streets and giving the secret Dad-nod in public.

I’m always down for a Dadversation, so check out my other Dad-posts on Medium, drop me an email through my website, or check out my first feature film on Netflix!