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I’m So Angry I’m Going To Shoot You To Pieces With An Anti-Aircraft Gun. Don’t Think I Won’t!

By David Grace (

I’ve suspected for some time that we may have inadvertently slipped through a crack in reality into an alternate dimension where the world-view of Monty Python’s Flying Circus represents the base layer of everyday life.

If I needed any confirmation for that theory I received it this morning with the following sentence from a story (“South Korea says ‘enraged’ Kim had 5 security officials executed”) on

North Korea executed five senior security officials with anti-aircraft guns because they made false reports that ‘enraged’ leader Kim Jong Un.

In the United States a newspaper story that begins with the words “Five guys” is usually followed by “announced that they have added jalapenos to the condiments menu” while in North Korea the rest of the sentence is “were torn to shreds by anti-aircraft guns.”

Viva La Difference.

But, wait a minute. Anti-aircraft guns? They couldn’t just shoot these guys with regular guns? A Beretta or a Glock wasn’t good enough for them?

How do you get anti-aircraft guns into a cellar or a hidden courtyard or wherever it is that you normally murder people? I mean, those things are big. You have to transport them on flatbed trucks.

And on top of that, they said “guns” plural. Five guys so five guns?

This had to be a big production.

First, you’ve got to find a field that has a wall or a berm or some other bulletproof barrier in place. Then you’ve got to pound the posts that the victims will be tied to rather deep into the ground. And they have to be big posts or else the bullets would tear them to pieces.

You don’t want that because you’re probably going to need to re-use them for the next set of enemies of the state.

And, of course, there is going to be another set of enemies of the state.

This leads me to wonder if, in fact, the killing ground hadn’t been pre-installed for some other bunch of “traitorous dogs”, or perhaps several.

Then, after you’ve found the right field and installed the right number of posts, you’ve got to mount the guns on five flatbed trucks and drive them into precise position. And that isn’t easy.

Have you ever tried to turn a truck around and then back it up so that the field of fire is just right? It’s not like parking your Prius at the mall, I can tell you that.

Finally, when everything is in order, you open fire with fifty-caliber anti-aircraft machine guns! Good grief, it would be like dropping a frog into a Cuisinart.

If you want to make an impression, I guess that’s a good way to say, “Hey, you guys really, really, pissed me off!”

Yes, chunks of body parts raining down everywhere to the staccato rhythm of five blazing fifty-caliber machine guns does make a pretty definite statement about the level of your displeasure.

I guess if you’re just a tad annoyed you merely hit the object of your irritation in the head five or six times with a baseball bat.

Noticeably upset, maybe you give him a couple of swipes with a big sword.

Clearly miffed, well, all right, three or four rounds center mass with a Glock forty-five.

“I’m very, very upset with you” was what was probably the degree of frustration that got The Supreme Leader’s uncle torn apart by wild dogs.

So, I’m thinking these five guys must have jumped him all the way up to the “I’m so angry with you that I can’t even form rational sentences” stage.

This makes you wonder what he does to people who send him into a blinding rage. Stuff them into the barrel of a really big cannon, aim it at South Korea, and shout, “Fire!”?

Yeah, I bet that would work. But, maybe I shouldn’t give him any ideas, like my reference to that really, really big Cuisinart thing.

Sadly, these five guys weren’t the only executions reported in this article. Here are three other headlines from the same story:

North Korea Reportedly Executes Top Education Official

Kim Jong Un Reportedly Has His Military Chief Executed

Why Did Kim Jong Un Have His Defense Minister Executed?

The key recurring element of each of these headlines is the verb, “Executed.” I’m sensing a pattern here.

I think the next headline regarding him may well be:

“He-Who-Must-Not-Be-Named Praises Kim Jon Un As A Leader Who Is Not Afraid To Take Decisive Action” Followed by the tweet: “We could learn a lot from Kim Jon Un. Smart.”

As I said, we appear to have slipped into the Monty Python Alternate Universe or maybe something even worse.

– David Grace (

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David Grace

David Grace


Graduate of Stanford University & U.C. Berkeley Law School. Author of 16 novels and over 400 Medium columns on Economics, Politics, Law, Humor & Satire.