Heaven Up!
What Heaven will be like, when you get there…
So lemme tell you what I’m gonna do for you! I’m going to personally come down to Earth in the form of my son, and I’m going to sacrifice myself to myself to save you from myself for your being full of sin because that damned nasty rib-woman talked Adam into biting my… fruit, however many thousands of years ago so I had to condemn you, too, and at the instant of My death I’ll be the Holy Spirit — So you can worship Me any way you want to; as God the Father, God the Son, or God the Holy Spirit.
Now, if you don’t worship me, I’m gonna have to SMITE you AND send you to Hell AND cause lots of problems for your children, your grandchildren and your descendants unto the 3rd or 4th generation — which I won’t do if you choose to love Me because you want to love Me. ONLY IF YOU REALLY WANT TO — and remember — I’m GOD, so I’ll KNOW.
And about that Heaven — Lemme tell you what you’re gonna do when you get Here, you lucky bastard; you oughtta be glad I’m in a Good Mood!, ’cause you can ask the Pharaoh what I’m likely to do when I’m NOT in a good mood… Say, was it 7 or 10 Plagues I sent ’em when I hardened his heart so he would turn me down so I could plague ‘em?
First, you like babies, right? GREAT! We’ve got Millions, I mean, BILLIONS of babies — all the ones I had slashed out of their mother’s bellies, all the ones I had dashed against rocks; the millions from all over the entire planet when I Flooded everything (heh, heh; I remember that so well! I could have created a virus that only killed just the bad people, but I was in a pissy mood that day); all the aborted babies and the miscarriages and the 2500 infants and elderly that die every day right now in Africa because of the drought & disease due to climate change (and that number will go towards 5,300 every day within 3 years!) — LOTS of babies are here!
How many, exactly? Well, 98-point [add the full decimal number for the value of Pi here]% of all our occupants are babies! OK, OK; if you insist, yes, yes of course I know how many; I’m GOD. There are 352 Billion, 981 Million, 721 Thousand, 562 — and add an average of about 26 per minute, 24/7, to that. No, they don’t cry — everything’s Perfect, remember; they coo — like 352,981,721,596 (I added the new ones already) little doves.
Since your GOP wrote all those crazy rules about “abortions”, I had to create that special section for miscarried eggs, embryos, fetuses and factory rejects; those are the ones with the three heads 5 arms and 3 legs, etc. Yes, there are billions of “slug things” over there crawling around; those are miscarriages; don’t step on ’em. And no, they don’t “grow up” — they were never adults, never had adult experiences, got no adult memories; they’ll stay innocent not-quite-fetuses for Eternity. Can’t believe those idiots actually passed those rules!
Over there, those bulldozers are scooping out holes for 1,363,522 Olympic sized swimming pools — no, not for swimming; that section is for, um, unconnected sperm cells — the GOP is gonna write laws about them being “life”, too, so those cells are gonna end up here; the other side is for eggs passed during periods; GOP is about to write laws about every woman’s periods have to be tracked now, to make sure they don’t “accidentally miscarry”; Now we’ll have to consider those as “lives”. Heck, by next year, the GOP is gonna make it illegal to bleed if you cut yourself — but only if you do it intentionally… Might want to not shave anymore…
But we’re talking about HEAVEN! You’re gonna LOVE Heaven! Everything will be Perfect (of course! it will be; it’s Heaven); There won’t be any pain or suffering, no death or dying, no day or night, no hunger, no thirst, no sickness, not even hangovers. Drink all you want — nobody gets intoxicated! Everything will be Timeless; everything will be the same, all day long, every day, FOREVER. Won’t even be any sleeping. You’ll be aware of Everything, all the time. Same temperature, all the time, nothing hot or cold. No, there’s not going to be any “fishing” — no pain or suffering, remember? That applies to fish, too! Same for hunting; you know, “look but don’t shoot.” We got a lot of photographers up here, get it? No? Jeez! OK, “shoot with a camera”.
Then (you’re gonna love this, I promise); Everybody will all be the same! No stupid people, no smart people, no con artists, no cheats. Won’t be any “compassion” or “generosity”, because nobody is going to lack for anything; you’re not going to have to do anything for anybody, ever! Won’t be any Forgiveness (not needed), Creativity (imagine it, and it’s Yours!), Industriousness (There won’t be anything you need to do!), Courage (won’t be any danger, and no risk), Resilience (no “trying” for anything — if you want it, it’s there!), Decisiveness (not needed — take as long as you want to imagine anything you might want, then it will be there!), Vision — none of those will be needed! If you want something — anything — there it’ll be! You won’t ever have any “bad thoughts”; no lust, no greed, no coveting, no procrastinating, no temptations — Ever!
And, no, you won’t be “needed” by others — because everybody else will be completely loved, completely whole and self-sufficient, just like you! Nobody will “need” anybody! It’ll be the ultimate never-ending pleasure, just like having a vibing vibrator superglued to the end of your D, 24/7, for centuries!
You’ll enjoy all the activities, too! I’ve removed all danger from Everything: If you want to go skiing, go for the Pro Slopes, because you can’t get hurt! Or, if you want to drive a car or boat fast — go faster than that, ’cause you’ll never be “almost out of control”. Surfing? Catch the big wave, because it will never break over you — can’t accidentally drown anyway, remember? Like football? Yeah? GREAT! Stadium’s over there, play all you want. Every play, there’s a touchdown. And because of Overtime — ETERNITY, remember — Nobody ever loses! Everybody’s a Winner! Like to eat? Anything you want and as much as you want; just don’t ask where it comes from — no killing, remember? Oh, and don’t worry about pooping and peeing; there’s no bathrooms — got no bad smells here, not even farts.
Then, you like music, right? In Heaven, Christian Music plays 24/7 from the day you die until Eternity! (What did you expect? Prince? OfPeace? Kiss? MyAss?) No, there’s no Country, Pop, Beatles or even Elevator Music over here; this is Heaven! You’re gonna be singing Praise Songs to me all day long, every single day, for the next Eternity and maybe the one after that; I haven’t decided yet, though I already know. My preferred Praise Song, which you’ll be singing 24/7/Eternity over and over, is the one in Revelation 4:10–11; don’t worry about memorizing it, you’ll get it right pretty fast.
And, like the Book says, you’re going to get a Crown, the most expensive, unique, rare and ornate Crown you can imagine, with jewels all over it — and Everybody will have one Just Like It! (And Yes, even the innocent little babies, each of them gets one, too!) Then, right after you get it, you get to give it back to me by putting it on my Throne and singing my Praise Song to me; then we’ll give it back to you and you can do it all over again, because that’s the way it’s described in the Bible. Sorry ‘bout that, I was distracted at that moment and I meant to say once; now, we’ll be giving it back and forth to each other for Eternity. Look over there, I’ve got millions of ’em around the Throne right now. Which is why I’m over here talking to you.
Don’t like to talk a lot? Not to worry; since nobody will ever feel pain or sorrow, nobody will have anything to complain about! Nobody will get tired, won’t be any aches or pains, nobody will bore you about the one that got away since there won’t be any fishing or hunting; nobody will brag about anything since there won’t be anything to do to brag about.
Then let me tell you the best part! Over there, that wall there, you can see down into Hell! All the people that didn’t love Me like you did, well, I sent their asses straight to Hell. Here, let’s glance over the wall for a moment: Over there, yeah, they’re fornicating. OK, f’ing. G.D. DIRTY f’ing. You don’t even want to know what they’re doing to others, or having done to them. But I will tell you because they’ve got an audience watching them, they’re in agony about whether they’re ‘doing it right’ or impressing the others enough; and those guys watching? Yeah, they’re in agony, too, because they’d rather be the one f’ing. That’s how Hell works.
That guy there, with the girl riding back and forth on his face? He’s not enjoying it, ’cause she’s a Dom; She’s not enjoying it, ’cause she’d rather he be an Alpha. The cute, thin blonde with the big tits over there? Watch: he’s — yeah him, he’s gonna try to hook up with her, and that big guy just-over-there is her bad-ass husband. Sometimes the first guy gets himself a piece, just often enough to make himself feel confident; other times, Husband catches ’em and beats his ass. Over there, that pool-hall setting? Yeah, they’re screwing each other, too, just in a different way. Did you see that? That guy just suckered that fellow out of $350! What a fucking Con! Well, that’s why they’re there. Over there, at the bar? First, it’s Hell! They’re ALL drinking the very best Scotch; what good would it do if some of them couldn’t afford the very best? They’ve gotta listen to each other’s war stories, yeah, the ones that got away and the ones that didn’t… the same ‘ol, same ‘ol stories… for Eternity!
Here, look through these binocs for a moment — that’s the hunting area. Yeah, sure, a lot of the time the hunter gets his picture — but only enough that he feels confident — then, it’s the prey’s turn to get the goods on the hunter. It ain’t pretty, lemme tell ya. Don’t worry about it; every hunter secretly hopes to maybe get caught by their prey, “because Nature’” It’s OK; you’ll come back together in minutes. And over there? Yeah, those guys are sweating up a storm ’cause it’s hot as Hell, natch; while over there, those bastards are shivering their asses off ’cause it’s cold as Hell. Would you expect any different? Over there is the C&W section; you go there if you prefer hard rock — and yeah, the C&W people get to go to the head-bangers area. Prefer classical music, you get to listen to the Jack-in-the-Box song all day, every day forever; you know, the “Pop! goes the weasel” tune… (Yeah, just try to get that outta yer head… it’s why I told you…)
Whoa! That dumbass there was racing that guy and flipped his car several times; it crushed his head — there, he’s coming back together now; I’m God, I can tell you he’s going to do it again, believing he’ll win this time — he won’t, again. He never learns. He should; it’s about time the guy he’s racing against lost a time or two. But, hey, it’s Hell; that’s how it works over there. The other guy’s sick and tired of always winning; he wants somebody better to race against — But, there’s Hell to pay, so he won’t ever get ‘em.
Let’s come on back to the Good side; even I get tired of that shit. Gotta have a Day of Rest, ya know? When I was sacrificing Myself to Myself on the Cross for you… to save you from Myself… so you could come Here and worship Myself eternally, I was simultaneously feeling enough pain and pleasure for an Eternity (if you’ll pardon my pun).
I see you noticed nobody’s at that wall, looking over? Here’s how it works: Just looking… can be Hellish enough ’cause you want to be There but you’re Here, so nobody looks. And every day Here is the same ol’, same ol’, Forever.
Welcome Home, my son. So… did you really go to the Bad Place and that’s the Good Place?
You’ll never know! Heh, heh, heh…
