Preparing for Dinner Tomorrow with a Christian
Facing my own flaws in dealing with Christians
You may not be reading this until after the meal my wife and I are having with a woman at church tomorrow. However, everything here was written before the event. I will write a separate article afterwards about whatever does happen.
What’s going on?
Let me back up.
My wife and I have been attending Sunday services at our current Protestant church for three years now. That’s longer than we’ve stayed at any other church in the last several years. With our experience attending so many different churches, I know it’s typical that newcomers are treated warily by those already attending. When someone at a church speaks to a newcomer it almost always turns out to be at the direction of church leadership.
A note on church leadership: Of course, first-time visitors can expect to be spoken to by the pastor himself or herself. That did happen to us at this church three years ago — subsequent events would be the topic for a different article.
Anyway… this past Sunday, my wife and I were slinking out the door immediately after service as usual.
A note on fellowship after a service: Yes, there is a coffee thing after the Sunday service. We’ve tried joining in a few times. I claim that on several occasions, people refused to talk to me when I tried to talk to them but my wife says that’s not entirely accurate. It’s true that sometimes people did come up to us when we tried staying for coffee. They would tell us a great deal about whatever they were thinking but always ran out of time before we could say anything.
So. We’re leaving the service this past week and a woman walks past my wife and speaks directly to me. I’m surprised she doesn’t seem to include my wife because my demeanor at church is detached, whereas my wife exudes warmth. Perhaps it’s because the woman views me as the head of the household? Maybe I’ll find out more tomorrow and can report the explanation in a follow-on article.
She immediately — and as if she has given her words careful thought — says something about a meal this coming Sunday. She begins, “We often get together at my house after church.” That very first word “we” puzzles me because she is an older woman who is unaccompanied at church events. She doesn’t provide any subsequent information on who “we” is and I find it ominous. On several occasions in recent years, I have been summoned to meet with people at church. It never turns out to be because anyone wants to get to know me better.
She tells us her street address and then says her house is adjacent to the church parking lot. I initially assume we’ll just walk with her to her house after church the day of the meal, but she goes on to say the meal will be at noon. That’s 45 minutes after the service typically ends so I guess we’ll just…I dunno what during that time. She declines my wife’s offer to “bring something” and disappears.
Facing My Own Flaws
During my first several decades as a Christian (starting at age 17), I took church very seriously. But in recent years I have found it personally helpful to look at the Christian world differently. I have given a lot of thought to the various ways I think Protestantism in the US is deeply flawed. These days, I can feel quite condescending towards others at church.
But this meal invitation has caused me anxiety and I want to learn from that. Did I say “anxiety”? Maybe I should confess to “fear”. Are my feelings a clue to flaws within myself that I could benefit from addressing?
I am fairly confident I’m not in trouble for any of the many criticisms I’ve made of the church. Those criticisms include concerns I’ve posted directly to the church Facebook page or emailed to the church mailing list. I’ve even given some of my critical Medium articles directly to people at church. I’ve asked for meetings with people at church. In every case the feedback has been clear: nobody at church has the slightest interest in anything I have to say. As far as I can tell, that indifference is truly genuine. Whatever I’m worried about, it’s not about reactions to anything I’ve said or written.
Maybe my problem is dealing with uncertainty. Maybe this woman simply does want to get to know us better and I’m anxious because I am confused by the way she spoke to us. My wife and I know a little about her from talking with her frequently, but briefly, at church but she has never expressed interest in us. Perhaps she is now curious to know why we keep attending. I realize actual interest in us is unlikely, but it certainly could be that this invitation is benign. Am I just anxious because I can’t be sure yet what’s going on?
I’ve been told I don’t handle criticism well. I’ve learned that’s true but I’m also learning to handle it better. I have some ability now to listen to, and even welcome, constructive criticism and I also have some ability to calmly disregard gratuitous or faulty criticism.
If I imagine some other person at church wanting to meet us for a meal I don’t think I would be as anxious. For some reason this particular woman seems to have power over me. It’s as if she’s the parent and I’m the child. How I view the source of criticism seems to make a difference. Am I surrendering power to her because I view her as important in the church? Should it bother me if she feels herself to be important?
What Have I Learned?
The goal of this reflection was to force myself to look at my own role in creating the anxiety I feel. It’s not clear that I can somehow claim I’m the victim of church dysfunction in this situation. I need to remember:
· It was my choice to accept the invitation on the spot; my wife and I could have said we’d get back to her to confirm. We could have said “no” if we felt uncomfortable.
· I could have asked who “we” was. I could have asked what motivated this sudden and unexpected invitation.
I can derive benefit from all this by making sure I speak up tomorrow with questions and concerns.
