Reflections on the Loss of My Faith
Sometimes I think people of faith have a hard time relating to the strong sense of loss people feel when they let go of their faith/faith community, due to the tenets of their religion and the certainty it brings. It seems as if they cannot conceive a world where people lose or never had belief in their religious traditions.
For the first time in my deconversion process, I am feeling the loss of faith. There is a strong sense of sadness because I know what I lost will never return. I feel the loss of comfort because being a person of faith meant that there was a ready-made answer when life took an unexpected turn. I can no longer lean on my faith because it no longer exists. I feel the loss of tradition because Black church culture does not mean the same thing to me. I can hear folks crying out to the LORD to work out their problems and fix their situations. Those cries used to encourage me to keep going, now those same calls ring hollow. I’ve lost my connection to the adopted faith of my ancestors, and I know it is gone forever. Ergo, I feel really sad.
Regardless of how I tried to consciously and subconsciously hold on to Christianity, the beliefs no longer work. In fact, I fully understand the psychological trauma and harm of Christian beliefs and theology to my well-being. It is akin to being in an abusive relationship. I see how my experiences within Christianity echo my experience as a victim of domestic violence. I am glad to say that I am a survivor and healing from this long-term trauma.
Subconsciously, the notion of heaven as my ultimate destination kept me from truly feeling at home anywhere. I would think about how being with the LORD is better than anything here. Then later when I changed my views on heaven to include the restoration of Edenic conditions in the world, I would feel that this world is broken, and Jesus will fix it when he returns.
This thinking and indoctrination prevented me from truly embracing the wonder of living. I felt like a wanderer without a home. This world is the only place I can call home. There is no other available home for me. I have to make it work here. Now I am determined to explore what it means to be alive and find a place to belong that I can call home. This is the only shot I have. I have to make it work.
Despite feelings of sadness, I would not trade the uncertainty of this life for a false sense of certainty that Christian theology and doctrine bring. I am determined to make the most out of this vapor of a life that I have and do my best to help others along the way.
