The Worst Sex I Ever Had Was With A Christian
Can I at least get dressed before we pray?
We met on the website “ChristianMingle.com.”
A bit of history: After staying exclusive with one boyfriend all throughout my college life, I started dabbling in one-night-stands. Many, many casual sexual encounters later, I thought I would try something new.
In 2004, as a recent college grad from an evangelical university, it was time to spiritually shape up. Sex in grimy bar bathrooms and questionable apartments in the Valley left me with good stories the next morning, but still unimpressed. Sure, there was excitement, but the dangerous element rarely equated to satisfying sex.
Could it be that my church was right all along? Should I have been saving myself for marriage? Am I on the express track to hell?? This conclusion forced me to think about changing my ways.
A good, Christian man! Maybe THAT’S what I need!
My wayward path left a wake of dazed men fumbling to zip up their pants while I sat (or sometimes stood) unfulfilled. Maybe a fellow believer could make an honest woman out of me. It could open up a new pool of possible dates, at least.
A Google search of “Christian dating sites” led me to Christian Mingle which sounded hilarious. But I dutifully created a profile with a picture of me with a smile in a high-neck tank top. I might have been wearing two or three tank tops. This was 2004, after all.
After connecting with a few guys, I chose one who could keep up with my banter through the messages. He was 29 and I was 24. He had a job, an apartment, and a professed faith in Jesus Christ. Perfect!
We met at a restaurant in Northridge. I was slightly annoyed that he had lied about his height (I’m 5'5" and his profile stated 5'8". We were eye-to-eye.) But oh well. He got extra points for going to church regularly.
Over dinner, he shared his testimony, current theological beliefs, thoughts, on Biblical passages, and more. This conversation felt more like a monologue, but I politely smiled and nodded. By dessert, I knew I would never see this guy again after tonight. For one, he never stopped talking, which I hate. Two, he was a know-it-all, which I can’t stand.
Still, he was looking quite dapper in a blazer and jeans. What the hell, I thought. Let’s do it. I mean, I had already wasted a whole day removing all my body hair. Maybe his passion for Christ manifested as passion in the bedroom.
“So, what should we do now? Want to go to your apartment?” I asked.
“Well, maybe. But I don’t want to do anything sexual,” he replied with the cool piety of a youth pastor sitting backwards in a chair. “Nothing that doesn’t honor God. A true Christian stays pure, and that’s what I’m doing.”
Um, excuse me? Was this guy actually shaming ME?
Oh, it’s ON.
“That’s what I want to do, too. Stay pure. I just want to see that fish tank you told me about.”
We held each others’ gaze for several seconds. He looked suspicious, but an almost imperceptible smile twitched up on one side of his lips.
“Let’s do it,” he said, and put the car in gear.
At his apartment, standing in front of the fish tank, I let my hand graze his arm. He got very still and looked at me. I reached out and brushed his hair back behind his ear, letting my red lacquered nails scrape softly on his head. He looked me up and down, then I bent in for a kiss. After the kiss, I leaned back and let him decide yes or no. He exploded and kissed me back, his hands flying all over my body. It was definitely on.
We ended up naked in the bed, furiously clawing at each other as only Christians who are trying not to have sex can. At one point, he reached over to the nightstand and took a condom out of the drawer. (Okay, Mr. Staying Pure. Are those Trojans to “honor God”??) The sex was good, if not spectacular. Done a little bit before I would have liked, but he made up for that with decent tongue action.
After finishing, we collapsed on the bed covered in sweat. Not a bad way to spend an evening. Is Del Taco on Nordhoff still open? It’s right on my way home, and they have milkshakes! Tomorrow morning I’m meeting Nicole to workout, so that should balance out the calories…
Soft moaning interupted my food plans.
“Oh no, oh no, oh God,” he repeated. He was sitting on the edge of the bed cradling his head in his hands. “What did we do??”
I sat up and looked over at him. “Um, it’s okay. It’s not that big of a deal.”
He jumped up, grabbed his boxers, and put them on. “We need to repent. We need to ask God for forgiveness.”
“Right now?” I asked. Still naked, I reached around for my clothes.
“Yes!” he said. “Come over here. Please. We have to do this now. Oh, God what did we DO?”
I could really have used a towel or at least a rinse in the sink. And I thought, what do you mean “we”, buddy??
He led me to the side of the bed where he was kneeling. I kneeled down next to him (I only got a chance to put on my shirt; I had nothing from the waist down.) He started praying:
“Jesus, we come before you tonight with sincere hearts. We know if we confess our sins, you will be faithful to forgive. Lord, forgive us for falling into temptation and acting impure. We have sinned and dishonored you. Help us to never be seduced by worldly flesh again.”
“Amen?” I said. He sighed loudly. That’s it, I thought. This guy had been a self-righteous and pompous ass to me all night. And at that moment, full of Eve energy, I wondered: can I tempt him into sex with me again?
So how does this story end? Let’s just say that I bet he’s glad God forgives seventy times seven. I never did try to meet another Christian online. The hassle of mid-sex prayer was a major buzz killer. From then on, I stayed away from people who tried to make me feel guilty. I could do that on my own, thank you.
And eventually, I realized I didn’t need a God looking down judging me at all. This whole “sex life” thing is much easier without religion.
My life, my body, my choices; no forgiveness required.
