You Can Benefit from Talking with Conservative Christians
Mastering the perfect interpersonal challenge can have powerful rewards
A unique demographic
We all know people who can be difficult to deal with. Such a person might:
- Have difficulty seeing things from any other perspective than their own
- Have difficulty integrating multiple facts and seeing their implications
- Lack self-awareness, especially of any internal inconsistency or hypocrisy
- Believe they are operating from a place of privilege and thus are above you
Couldn’t we all benefit from learning to work more effectively with people exhibiting these behaviors?
These characteristics are present to some degree, of course, in all people. But there is one particular place where people are encouraged from childhood to nurture and grow these characteristics: the conservative Protestant church, especially in the US.
Most social organizations exist for a purpose; members share a common goal. People who are working towards a common goal learn to temper unhealthy behaviors to be successful and/or to advance in the organization. For example, a company employee must get along with people at work or at least contribute to the bottom line. Otherwise, they risk getting fired.
But the church is unique in that it is completely inward looking; there is no external accountability or feedback. It has no goals, apparently even the survival goal. With few checks and balances, the church becomes a veritable hothouse for unchecked bad behavior by its members, both towards each other and also towards outsiders.
That means the typical conservative Christian is often a distillation of the worst in human behaviors. Because of this, they are ideal for practicing on to improve your own interpersonal skills. They are ideal for several of reasons:
- They can’t hurt you — unless you give them the power to hurt you.
- The topics they like to discuss are easy to understand and risk free, unlike the actual issues in daily life.
- You can’t hurt them — your disagreement makes them feel superior.
Let’s look at each of these advantages.
They can’t hurt you
It’s actually up to you whether or not conservative Christians can hurt you. And continued dialog with them is a good way to learn not to be hurt by them. Once you’ve learned it, it applies to people in any demographic.
When I became a Christian at age 17, I did surrender power to the church to hurt me. That surrender was part of entering into a loving relationship. I viewed the church and its attitude towards me as profoundly important. Taking that control back has taken me years of effort.
Taking control back may be extremely difficult if you grew up in the conservative Protestant church. I often hear the stories of people who were raised in conservative US Protestantism and/or have strong emotional ties to family members in that environment. When I hear those stories I realize how much easier this has all been for me. Even in my case, to make the process of getting free easier, I chose to sell my house and move away from my neighborhood and church.
Once you learn to accept people who don’t like you because of your beliefs, you will know real peace.
The issues are simple and risk free
It’s healthy to ask questions and speak up for what you believe. However, it can be risky in practical situations. The important issues in our daily lives at home, at work, and in our communities can be complicated. The decisions we make can have a big impact on many lives for years to come.
But the statements conservative Christians make are not about important topics. It’s trivially easy to offer alternatives — in other words, disagree. And, you risk nothing by doing so.
For example, was it 42 boys or was it 42 dangerous thugs that God had mauled by bears for their rudeness to Elisha? Can we reconcile gospel accounts by saying Jesus cleared the temple more than once?
These topics are ideal to practice on; they give you low-risk experience for important real situations that are going to arise in your life.
Don’t be fooled by the appearance of relevance. A few years ago, a conservative Christian told me this: if abortion is illegal, a woman has no reason to fear legal penalties for a miscarriage since the Bible requires two witnesses to convict someone of a crime. Such a statement may seem to involve an important political issue but it’s really an invitation to enter into an alternate reality. Statements made about that alternate reality don’t connect to daily life.
You can’t hurt them
People don’t generally like being disagreed with. So one reason to avoid disagreeing is to avoid damaging a relationship. But that concern doesn’t really apply to conservative Christians because of their training at church. By “training” I don’t mean some kind of formal training. I mean the patterns of thinking and behavior that are transmitted by the church environment — patterns that become deep and instinctive.
You can’t hurt a conservative Christian by disagreeing with them because the moment they realize you don’t already agree with them 100%, they have been taught implicitly at church to view you as their personal enemy. They can feel superior to you because you are the one who doesn’t get it. They can be proud that they are suffering persecution and they can brag to others about it. You definitely don’t have to worry about hurting their feelings.
It might be inappropriate to disagree with someone at a church-related event such as a Bible study. Conservative Christians expect their church to be a place where everyone thinks exactly the same way. But when a conservative Christian takes the trouble to speak in a public forum, they must expect responses they won’t agree with.
It may seem condescending or even cruel to disagree with a conservative Christian. After all, they act as if these topics are extremely important to them on a very personal level. But if you directly ask, for example, why it’s important to believe that Nebuchadnezzar made Egypt a wasteland that no man set foot in for forty years, they probably won’t be able to answer coherently. Remember, they are adults and they bear some responsibility for how they’ve chosen to live. You are not “othering” them; they’ve “othered” themselves.
The benefits of dialog with conservative Christians
Imagine yourself interacting with a person exhibiting unhealthy behavior and being able to
- Maintain your own integrity; that is, have the courage, where necessary, to speak up for who you are and what you believe rather than keeping these things secret
- Maintain your own peace and composure when you are disliked and even verbally attacked
The goal is to practice these skills and learn more about how to be successful.
Conclusion
I use my interactions with conservative Christians to learn to handle disagreements constructively. As a result, I’ve found it’s now easier for me to talk effectively with non-Christians when there is a disagreement or I just need to say something they might not want to hear.
You may think engaging with conservative Christians is more trouble than it’s worth. Are you sure? When was the last time you spoke up for something you believed?
