The Trouble With Depression
Depression is a sneaky sod. It creeps up on you and fucks with your mind before you have a chance to even realise it is happening. You know the signs and you are prepared, but then you realise you have been in its grips for days or weeks and there is nothing you can do.
You know that you are depressed. You know that you should just “stop” being depressed, but your brain is convinced that this really is the best thing for you.
Your head hurts, your body aches and you are bone tired all the time. Every movement requires a near herculean effort. Your memory is all but useless, your thought processes filtered through treacle. Your mind lingers on thoughts of doing stupid things, but provides you with logical explanations as to why they are sensible. It feels like nothing will ever be good again, all you can feel is despair.
When pretending to be fine is no longer possible, you start speaking like Eeyore, slowly and deliberately trying hard to not make eye contact. You don’t want to say anything that may make someone say something back that makes you worse or get anything wrong as then you feel like shit and get worse.
Just when you think you are bouncing back, something happens that makes you feel like a worthless piece of crap again, that nothing you do is good enough and the cycle starts once more.
There is no snapping out of it, even if your logical brain keeps telling you that you have to. You just exist and try to not impact others as you do so. The trouble is you do impact other, especially those closest to you. They want you to be okay, but can’t always cope with you. They try and try, but eventually you drag them down as well. Then feel like worthless shit again for hurting them.
Yeah, there is a lot of feeling like worthless shit associated with depression.
If anything I have said here sounds familiar, take the NHS Depression Self-Assessment and seek out some help, there is plenty out there.
