Some truth about resilience
“My manager (who is white) can have sympathy for me when I talk about racism at work, but I don’t think it’s the same kind of empathy as my friends who are also people of colour” I say this to a group of people learning about systems design.
Immediately, I am rebuffed. Another member of the group shuts down my moment of vulnerability and says that maybe I don’t understand the ways my manager has experienced racism like I have.
Disoriented I let it go, and try to loop back with this person one-on-one. After a couple of tense exchanges, we came to the conclusion we just cannot agree to this very point: oppression is an equal opportunity hater.
I am certainly on the “no, there is no way in hell that I experience oppressive systems the same way as someone with a different identity” but that’s a side note.
I use this story to illustrate how you might be sharing vulnerability and trying to talk about diversity but at the same time, be abruptly put right back where you started. Navigating diversity is often choppy and disturbs yours, and others balance. It brings up a lot of negativity, internalized trauma and subconscious bias that are scary for people to face.
And you learn this by painfully bruising your own ego, and maybe triggering your own trauma.
It fucking sucks.
Later that week, I was pretty focused on just getting through the course and making the most out of it. On the last day, I find out a senior leader has again been promoted after hearing them say a variety of extremely racist comments. Having these incidents happen so close together was mind-boggling, and felt like the system I worked in was just gas-lighting me entirely. I had no more trust in it’s ability do what it was supposed to — be fair, and be just.
When you lose that you start to disengage from any possibility that things can change. That they can be better.
More than anything I start to question whether the values I hold so close are even worth fighting for. It marked a huge turn in the way I deal with diversity issues in the work place and especially, how I stoked my own fires for doing this work.
This situation made me seriously re-examine how I evaluate what spaces are safe and inclusive for me, and as well, how I take care of myself so I can one day thrive.
It meant spending a lot more time outside of work with the people I love, being unashamed for wanting to share my stories and perspective and recommitting to learning about this field of work.
What have I learned about resilience in diversity and inclusion work so far?
- A lot of what we learn about resilience is BS. There is nothing easy about wanting to work within, improve or dismantle a system that oppresses you or the people you love. Even warriors need rest.
- Persistence, grit, and a lot of social support keeps you in the game for longer.
- Communities keep your fire burning. Your community helps you imagine that other world that can exist; that nourishes your soul and frees you.
- Resilience is for the well healed. I’m over the idea that we can just triumph over all — you can’t. If you get sick of being the advocate and take a break, or quit your survival is still worthy of praise.
I wish you all the best as you share your stories, have tough conversations and keep believing that a better world is out there. I don’t always wear rose coloured glasses, but when I do it’s the most heart-warming thing to see the possibility of a better tomorrow. Never lose that hope. It will save you.
