What We Have Here is Failure to Communicate: 4 Reasons Why People Don’t RSVP
With so many communication tools at our fingertips, you’d think that following up on plans and invitations would be second nature to most people. Apparently it’s not, as evidenced by the sheer numbers of invitations and dialogs left in limbo.
Why is this phenomenon so pervasive? Why do hosts struggle to get RSVPs? Why do plans fall through again and again with no word from people on why?
Emily Post, the go-to source for all things etiquette, covers a lot of ground in her take on the practice:
Anyone who receives an invitation has an important obligation to reply as soon as possible. And yet so many don’t. Some forget; others procrastinate and then feel guilty, so they delay even longer. To many a host on the non-receiving end of an RSVP, it seems as if an invitee is simply waiting for something “better” to possibly come along.
It crosses generational lines, too, as I witness my teen living in this world of chronic vagueness when it comes to committing to plans.
The 4 Letter Word Behind It All
At the bottom of all this lies a bigger question: What are people so afraid of that they can’t simply communicate? Why does FEAR cause otherwise polite people to hold another person’s schedule hostage? Sure, we can excuse it by saying everyone is overwhelmed by technology, but it’s deeper than that.
In my work as an executive coach, I see people’s motivational issues and underlying behaviors that keep them stuck. I give perspective and create solutions with my clients so they can make clear decisions and stay grounded. We all have the power to own our choices and communicate them clearly. And yes, even a simple RSVP is an opportunity for you to uphold a practice of clear communication.
Here are four common fears that keep people from communicating, especially when it comes to RSVPs.
1. Fear of Being Direct
Does being direct scare you? Are you afraid to say No, not knowing how the other person will take it? One important thing to remember is that you have no control over others. People who are afraid of being direct go to great lengths to avoid communication. When called out, this is the person who goes into a long story about the dog eating the homework or the grandma dying for the 47th time. The remedy for this is to practice a one-word mantra: NO. Don’t want to attend an event? Respond by clicking “No”. Need to change plans? Say so. Keep it short and simple to grow your No muscle. It’s a life changing practice to do this.
2. FOMO
Oh no, what if you commit to something… then something better comes along? What if you end up missing out? That’s what FOMO is all about: Fear of Missing Out. The FOMO-ite lives in a perpetual world of self-torturing “What if”. If FOMO is getting the best of you, then put mindfulness on your list of things to learn. FOMO puts you into an unreal state of anxiety and causes you to miss the smell of the roses right under your nose.
3. Fear That You Don’t Matter
Invitations to parties or events might trigger feelings of insignificance. You may justify ghosting a person or no-showing an event because you figure, “Who’ll notice if I’m not there?” That’s the same mentality of people who justify not voting. “My vote won’t count, so why should I?” You are not insignificant. Ask the hostess who planned food for you, made sure your favorite beverages were in stock, and bagged goodies for you. You count. You really do.
4. Fear of Not Fitting In With the Crowd
It’s the day before a get together. You look at the Evite and notice nobody has RSVP’d. You feel a slight sense of relief knowing that it’s an acceptable practice. Right? Wrong. That’s like saying it’s OK to dump garbage on the side of the road because someone else did. As Gandhi said, “Be the change you want to see.” Be the person who RSVPs with a firm YES or NO right away. Be the person who says you’ll follow up with someone… and you do! Be the person who shows up or who politely declines. As long as you say something definitive, you’re part of the solution. Remember what good old Emily Post had to say on this: Anyone who receives an invitation has an important obligation to reply as soon as possible.
The practice of not giving an RSVP is a hot-button issue, ask any host who spent time and money planning an event. Blaming it all on digital overwhelm is an easy place to hide when fear is more likely clouding the situation. Don’t let your full inbox or crammed calendar justify you from common courtesy. Take a breath, ask yourself what’s behind your hesitation, then simply act from that place of self-honesty.
A Yes, No, or Maybe can be done in the click. Try it. The party planners of the world will love you for it, and you’ll create a much needed example for others to follow.
About the Author
Nancy Marmolejo is an executive coach who teaches leaders, professionals, and entrepreneurs how to tap into their Deep Genius, the hidden strength we all hold that uncovers our next levels of leadership capacity, problem solving, and creativity. Visit Nancy at TalentAndGenius.com
