Trump’s Shitty Showbiz Career Landed Him in Porn
The president appeared in ‘Playboy Video Centerfold: Playmate 2000 Bernaola Twins’
When he was 23 years old in 1970, Donald Trump paid $70,000 for the play Paris Is Out! The money, which covered half the modest budget, got him billed a producer — and secured his entry into the rarefied world of show business.
For the next five decades, Trump would be a fixture on T.V., in movies — and even in porn.
Despite its veteran cast, Trump’s play was a flop. Michael Paulson profiled the production for The New York Times. It’s especially poignant for the non-critical portrait of a young Trump who had ambition and money smarts — and wasn’t yet a huge asshole.
But a little over a decade after his foray into producing, Trump rekindled his passion for the arts. The initial success of his real-estate ventures on Manhattan Island meant becoming a staple on T.V. news. By the time he was a household name in the late 1980s, he began to cameo as often as he could.
That’s right, with a persistence that would shock any struggling actor, Trump managed to amass a huge videography and filmography worth of mini-credits. His Internet Movie Database profile listed hundreds by the time he launched his bid for the White House. Stan Lee’s own prolific output doesn’t quite measure up.
With the success of his real estate ventures then, Trump didn’t need the exposure. So, why?
Given Trump’s keen sense of marketing it does seem logical if the goal was to ingratiate his person, his name and his buildings with New York City. The strategy worked — and this openness to exposure, no matter how small, made him a staple in the hip-hop community and African-American pop culture. It’s a relationship that has since gone very sour.
However, for Trump to appear in so many T.V. shows and movies, including stupid ones, is downright bizarre. I’m ill-equipped to attempt a semi-philosophical analysis of Trump’s proclivities for the big and small screens.
So instead of further untangling The Donald's unfathomable id, here are his oddest onscreen moments.
I spent the better part of an entire week sifting through Trump’s film history. A very unfulfilling task, I might add.
If movies that qualify as so-bad-it’s-good are your weakness, I recommend Ghosts Can’t Do It. The 1990 Bo Derek starrer was marketed as some sort of R-rated adult diversion — when in truth it was a lighthearted comedy with Anthony Quinn — and sank into obscurity faster than the USS Indianapolis.
As a matter of fact, to this day it’s never been rated by Rotten Tomatoes.
You’re probably intrigued by the image above. Yes, it’s a screen-grab. Trump’s character is in a confrontation with Bo Derek when he deadpans, “Be assured, Mrs. Scott, that in this room there are knives sharp enough to cut you to the bone … and hearts cold enough to eat yours as hors d’oeuvres.”
And then he breaks into a pout. A genuine schoolgirl pout. That’s the future president of the United States, ladies and gentlemen. Holy shit.
In light of Trump’s actual behavior toward women, pussy-grabbing and all, his dialogue on Ghosts Can’t Do It does ring ominous. Why is Trump, who once labelled a rival a “nasty woman,” so very nasty to women?
The 1990s were rough on Trump’s businesses, but not on his D-list star power. The decade was a garden of opportunity for him. But wait a minute.
Imagine pitching this idea to T.V. producers. A San Francisco Jazz musician is struck by lightning — a “cosmic event” — and it leaves him susceptible to hearing radio frequencies about ongoing crimes. He’s tuned into the frequency of evil!
A token black sidekick helps him put together a superhero persona, including an anti-gravity belt, and he becomes … Nightman!
Sounds like complete shit, right? Wrong!
Nightman ran from 1997 until 1999 and starred veteran stunt choreographer Matt McColm. Yes, it’s a Batman ripoff and, wouldn’t you know, the franchise belonged to Marvel Comics.
One of the episodes featured a shapeshifting villain who morphed into Donald Trump. The process involved showing his attractive female companion The Art of the Deal for not-so-subtle product placement. Fake-Donald then walks inside a bank and uses his charm to perpetrate a scam.
What is it with Trump and shitty television?
Beats me. I suspect Trump never outgrew the allure of show business despite his failed attempt at Broadway. Maybe it was a favorite hobby that pulled him away from the boring shit of being a landlord and real-estate developer.
You’d be surprised how much Trump got around. During the late 1990s, Trump managed to appear on opposite ends of the cinema spectrum, going from art-house to softcore porn.
Woody Allen’s Celebrity from 1998 had an all-star cast — Kenneth Branagh, Leonardo DiCaprio, Winona Ryder, etc. — and was set, like so many previous Allen movies, in New York City.
Not surprising how Trump got a microscopic amount of camera time as himself. While his contribution to the monochrome film was inconsequential, it did help insulate his brand from the upcoming sleaze.
I’m referring to Playboy Video Centerfold: Playmate 2000 Bernaola Twins. At the turn of the century, Trump was in a titillating video featuring two nubile young women. Given Trump’s fondness for models and hookers, dabbling in Playboy videos is a reflection of his true self — a pervy old man.
Now, Trump didn’t take his clothes off on camera then, but he did bathe the Playboy logo in champagne suds at the start of the film. That’s it.
A year later, Trump was in another ridiculous movie with his current squeeze Melania. The film starred Ben Stiller. You know the one.
The siren call of reality T.V. soon lured Trump to host The Apprentice, where he commanded a mock boardroom. Despite his noxious self-promotion and facade of professionalism, Trump was essential in making the business-themed reality-T.V. series a hit.
The Apprentice has been running since 2004 and Trump, who’s an executive producer, appeared in 186 episodes. Except for Trump Tower and The Art of the Deal, few Trump ventures have enjoyed the same kind longevity.
But this didn’t keep Trump from dipping into other creative ventures. Like wrestling.
Or the occasional song and dance routine.
You think these shenanigans are unbecoming for an American president?
In November 2015, the year Trump threw himself into national politics, he appeared on Saturday Night Live for the umpteenth time.
Two things must now be apparent. First, Trump loves being in front of the camera. Second, he really should have stuck to the entertainment industry.
Unlike his airline or his football league or those stupid casinos or his previous marriages, there’s a clear progression in Trump’s film and T.V. work. It got bigger and bigger and reached a point where celebrities can even claim six degrees of Donald Trump. You and your friends can start with Ben Affleck’s unlikely connection to the U.S. president.
To his credit, Trump steered The Apprentice along with Miss Universe, Miss Teen USA and Miss America to new markets. These franchises were light years more successful than his “business” dealings.
I’ve now come to the conclusion that a narcissist like Trump really belongs in the performing arts. It’s where he should’ve stayed. By comparison, his “career” as a real-estate mogul went from monumental to just licensing the Trump brand.
But showbiz also highlights Trump’s greatest weakness. Here’s the sad part. Did you catch his SNL parody of “Hotline Bling”?
That’s Trump making an ass of himself, like so many times before, just for a few laughs on T.V. He put so much effort in something stupid, mumbling Drake’s “you used to call me on the cell phone” while pulling awkward dance moves.
Months later, in the heat of the campaign, he didn’t bother to prepare for his debates with Hillary Clinton. He lost all of them.
So the lesson here is Trump doesn’t mind tiny roles and mouthing lines handed to him by a production assistant. He lives for the thrill of performing to an audience. That’s been his shtick for decades.
But as POTUS, he eschews intelligence briefings, doesn’t review his own executive orders and disdains memos unless they’re in bullet points. There’s now a growing awareness among his critics Trump could be suffering from a reading disability.
Yet everybody knows he loves campaign rallies and the crowds that go with them. The stage, the lights, the attention — it’s his natural element. He relishes showdowns with the media during rambling press conferences so long as their questions aren’t too aggressive.
As with The Apprentice, he enjoys the gravitas and the pageantry of his role but doesn’t give two shits about details or implications. Unless it has to do with the drapes inside the White House.
This makes Trump, the repressed performance artist, a human sock puppet for the bad hombres in the Oval Office. You know who they are. The president of the United States is their tool. In the end, America suffers. Sad!
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