Burger Night
Saturday night was weird.
Not any weirder than normal mind you, my roommates and I had settled in for two rounds of Catan after an impromptu trip to the West side of Madison to indulge in consumerism and accidentally drop $300+ at Costco. I lost both games of Catan. My pal Alex hadn’t built anything early enough in the game, and played himself out of winning to the extent that he simply didn’t care by about the 6th turn around the board; he made an ill-advised resource trade at the end of the game leading to someone other than me winning, which is now my personal Fail Mary in terms of judgment calls. Whatever. It was Saturday, and we were going to King Street to imbibe and try to scare away the chills from a mid-March Madison night.
It’s snowing as I write this, for the record. I think something about cold weather activates some ancient instinct in humans which subliminally whispers, “It’s cold, we need to get calories or risk dying out here.” Melodramatic? Yes, especially in the era of smartphones’ ability to make an order for delivery food anywhere and any time of the day. The frigid air caused some hunger regardless. And so as the night peaked at the bar, Alex and I made another judgment call. Were we going to stay at the bar and watch as our single friends struck out with girls, or were we going to try to track down some food? If you know me, you know I like beer, but if there’s one thing I like more than beer, it’s burgers, and we’d been dying to try a specific restaurant’s late night menu.
So we left the bar and started making our way through the frigid cold and howling wind on the Capitol Square in Madison. As gorgeous as it is, the way the square is set up essentially funnels winds through the banks and state agency buildings surrounding the statehouse and right into the faces of pedestrians just trying to get a bite to eat. It was rough out there, but luckily it was only about a 5 minute stroll to the restaurant. You’d think living in Wisconsin my whole life would mean I’d have thought ahead and would have brought some gloves, a hat, or at least just a scarf, but let me restate that Saturday night was weird.
As I opened the door, what was behind it came into focus. A dimly lit bar, about 7 booths lit by candlelight, the smell of seared beef permeating the room, and hushed, intimate conversations at 6 of the 7 booths. That’s right, we walked in and found a booth right away! Call it luck if you want, but I’m going to call it fate, because as I examined the menu, I laid eyes upon something special.
Knoche’s ground beef. Smoked muenster cheese. Fried shallots. Russian dressing. 9.00
That’s... that’s everything I ever wanted in a sandwich.
Intrigued, I ordered the burger. And curds, obviously. You cannot dine out and get burgers in Madison, Wisconsin and not order the house cheese curds. I mean you can, but why wouldn’t you order cheese curds? They’re horrible for your waistline but good for your soul.
As we awaited the goods, I decided to look around and take in the sights. Truly, this place feels off the radar despite being in the most restaurant-laden area of the city. The lighting and decor remind me of a traditional supper club, but with slightly better beer selection in that instead of having to choose between a Miller or Bud product I got a Bell’s HopSlam, a seasonal, limited release imperial IPA served in a tall glass at the perfect temperature, and I could taste how clean the tap lines were. The booths were smallish; Alex and I fit in just fine, but a third person would have filled the booth and a fourth would have been a very tight fit. There were candles at each table and the lighting was dim, almost smoky-looking, an omen of what was to come. Through some further research revealed that we were actually in the Corral Room, as opposed to the Tornado Room proper, which is a highly regarded steakhouse. Again, whatever. We were in the building, which means the same cooks that prepare some of the best slabs of marbled rib-eye on the isthmus were preparing my burger.
The hook, I think, that drew me in was the alternate menu. The late night menu is only served after 10 until 1. The items on the late night menu are not on the regular menu and exclusivity is one of my fetishes. That limited release beer? Tiny tables? Narrow window of time to get the food? By design the menu is meant to keep people away. You have to make a conscious effort to get your ass into that seat and that beef into your mouth. I’ve seen a few late night menus at other restaurants as well, but generally the later menu is a pared-down version of the full-strength offering. The greatest hits, plus other fried food is what I’d expect to see from a late menu. This was another beast entirely. I would assume part of it was a play by Tornado to move some of its inventory of steaks that could go bad overnight so as to offer the best food available while they can, but not let prime beef go to waste. Part of it seems like the executive chef trying to do grub to match the desires of taste buds at various times of day. Whatever the motivation, there were items on the menu that only appear after 10pm.
I wish more restaurants would do this, especially the higher-end establishments that are normally out of the price range for your average millennial. While I’m able to splurge on a la carte hashbrowns with a NY strip [bone in, dry aged please!] as well as whatever my date wants a couple times a year, access to a steak specialist is hard to come by. Furthermore, the cooks who are professionals at cooking steaks don’t always make bar food at a low-enough price that many people can try their fare. Moreover, these bovine black belts are well-versed in the world of beef, and thusly are well-suited to prepare prime burgers.
Time for an exercise to illustrate my point: think about your favorite burger and why it’s your favorite. To my mind there are four factors that make a burger:
1. Taste, obviously, and I can think of several factors which influence taste but I’ll save that for another time. A burger’s overall flavor matters, as it turns out!
2. Size. I call this the Pinecone Rule (after a local restaurant with behemoth portions that are good value but low on flavor).
I’ve had amazing tasting burgers that were no larger than a standard McD’s single burger. I like to be full after I pay to eat, thank you very much. By the same token, at a certain point I don’t need more beef. A 1 lb patty is a little over the top. There is no way to season the whole thing properly, and more importantly there is no way you’re getting that much beef unless the quality of the meat is a certain level.
3. Price ratio to taste and size. I call this the DLux Rule (after a local restaurant with delectable burgers that are a little pricey for the portion you get).
I’m fine paying $15 for a gourmet burger, but it better be actually good and I better need two hands to eat it. I saw a burger on a menu for $25 in Madison recently. I’m sure it’s great, but there’s no way its 2.5 times better than a $10 burger. Additionally, if you’re charging $10 for a burger, it needs to be seasoned, and should be worth the spend.
4. Consistency. I call this the Old Fashioned Rule (after a local restaurant which served me a pantheon-level burger a few times but can’t seem to get it right on every single visit).
Is the burger the same every time you order it? You are ordering your favorite burger whenever possible, right?
A well-balanced approach is key to a perfect burger. You need it to taste amazing at a fair price, be big enough to sate appetites at that price and quality level, and prepare it equally well each time. The type of restaurateur who is able to nail each of these facets usually doesn’t do it for holes-in-the-wall. They’re ambitious, and tend to veer towards pricier cuisine, which means people like me are less able to afford their offerings. The late night menu is the perfect vehicle to make high-end, affordable food available to millennials, especially those of us living in cities. We need more late night menus! Some people are always going to veer towards pizza or Chinese for late-night, post-bar eats, but if the option is on the table to get real food and the real food is outstanding? All bets are off.
After what felt like an eternity, it happened: the waiter appeared with two plates and a basket of curds, dropped it off and bid us happy eating. And just like that the best burger of my life had materialized. It was perfect in every way. The beef was expertly seasoned, the cheese was melted and gooey, the fried shallots were plentiful and well-browned, and the Russian was spread on a bun which was neither too hefty nor too light to hold the toppings. I slid a steak knife through the middle of the sandwich to divide it in half and noted the ideal medium-rare pink hue. As I took my first bite, a single tear streamed down my cheek, for this was beauty incarnate.
Ok, I’m exaggerating with the tear (big boys don’t cry), but it was amazing, and I don’t say that lightly. The smoked cheese and fresh beef combined to make the meat taste almost like a smoky grass-fed variety, and the shallots highlighted the beefiness even further. The Russian served to add a hint of heat and sweetness along with some fatty lubrication from its mayo base. It disappeared much too quickly for my liking but the Smoked Muenster Burger made its mark.
A note about the ingredients: Knoche’s is a butcher shop in Madison. It is highly regarded, and any burger that uses their beef tends to score highly among critics of such things. Shallots are like a garlicky onion, and are the single best allium: that’s why they’re used so frequently in French cuisine. Muenster is my favorite cheese. It’s salty and fatty and melts beautifully… the addition of smoke was something I didn’t know could happen but was pleased to discover is in fact a thing. I was a little skeptical of the Russian dressing, though to be fair I’m skeptical of all things having to do with Russia nowadays. At the end of the day it’s essentially just amped-up mayo, and mayo belongs on every burger. This burger was destined to be incredible based on pedigree of ingredients alone. Its construction seems like it was tailor made for me.
We paid the bill, and promptly walked back to our apartment complex and I don’t remember a lot about the night post-burger partially because I had some drinks and partially because the flavor explosion caused me to black out, but Alex said I would not shut up about the burger. As we watched an old episode of Alton Brown’s incredible food series Good Eats, my eyes had begun to get heavy, and I began to drift to sleep.
The burger was in my dreams.
It was so good that I dreamed about it. That has happened a grand total of 1 other time after eating a transcendent meal for me, and this was a dream I remembered upon waking. How good does a meal have to be that you, while experiencing REM sleep enabling your mind to take you anywhere in the world, see any person, or visit any era, take you back a few hours to a restaurant a few blocks away to dwell on a sandwich that cost a few dollars?
I can’t speak to when I’ll be back, but I know I will be back. The burger was too good not to go back. It was a singular culinary experience the likes of which I haven’t had before. And that, friends, is how a weird night turned into burger night.
