Petty Hillary: The Hero Democrats Need Right Now

In terms of politics, it’s not a secret that I lean to the left quite a bit (a lot). I post way too much about the new Trump administration and never miss a chance to take a shot when they mess up, which in my defense, is almost daily. I never miss a chance to retweet a post about pure GOP incompetency. So if you can’t take a little liberal humor for the next few paragraphs and need to hide in your #MAGA safe space, now is where you stop reading.

Are they gone? Good. Okay let’s get this on the board: Donald Trump is a political hack who’s treating the office of Presidency likes it’s a game and he NEEDS to stop tweeting. How many times does a chimp have to stab himself with a fork before he realizes that he should stop doing it? That was a wild analogy, but it holds up because these are wild times in United States politics.

You know who shouldn’t stop tweeting? Hillary Rodham Clinton.

And not just the acting-like-a-real-politician-and-leader tweeting. I mean the full, no holding back, Petty Hillary that we’ve seen a few times in the past few months. Draw in those millennials/Bernie Bro’s, HRC!

The Democratic Party could use a little fire like that right now. The Resistance, as they’re coming to be known, have often times expressed a lack of backbone coming from the Democratic Party. Many wanted Democrats in Congress to vote against ALL cabinet appointments due to severe lack of qualifications, and mostly all slipped through. There are even rumbles of the Democrats not blocking Trump’s Supreme Court nomination despite the GOP blocking Obama’s appointment of Merrick Garland for 293 days. It’s getting annoying. If they want to win back some seats, they should try beating Trump at his own game which is letting go some of the political jargon and start taking some social media shots to the rib cage. The problem is, a random senator can’t or won’t do this because they have constituencies they can’t alienate. Congressmen have to try to appeal to their demographics. You know who doesn’t anymore and has a large Twitter following? H.R.C.

Parks & Rec 4ever

It feels like Hillary’s run at Commander-In-Chief is coming to an end anyways so why not her? She couldn’t oust Barack in ’08 and Russia made sure she wasn’t put in the driver’s seat this time around.

What does she do next?

Perhaps she takes the route we all thought Trump would have gone down and that’s to use his campaign as a launching pad for a conservative, probably anti-Semitic news station. Like Fox News, but with worse hair. And of course it would be the reverse with Hillary. Her former campaign could be used as a launching pad for a progressive, fact-checking platform. So I propose she capitalizes on her brand via social media! Plenty of people are doing that nowadays.

Betty White is life

Another point about me and the main premise for this article: I love when famous people are petty.

It’s the best thing. Seeing a famous person clap back or be ultra-petty is like smelling fresh lawn clippings on a summer’s day. I live for when Russell Westbrook throws shade at Golden State. Or when LeBron subtly reminds those same Warriors that they blew a 3–1 lead in the Finals. Even as a Patriots hater, I love when Robert Kraft threw shade at Roger Goodell. I love Taylor Swift (no shame), but I even live for the moments of shade that Calvin Harris will throw her way.

And I love Hillary being petty for three reasons:

1. She lost and losers of anything always make the best petty people. (Yeah, Trumpkins, we’re all pretty fucking well aware she lost, okay? OKAY?)

2. She’s been railroaded through the entire election process for minor offenses compared to what Trump is now doing, so any petty response from her is like a giant “I Told You So.”

3. You just know Trump takes pride in his Twitter following and if Hillary’s (a woman) became more lit than his? He’d go bananas and probably claim her followers are all bots.

We know Hillary can be petty, too. We’ve seen the petty and it was fantastic. When 3 appeals court judges upheld a federal judge’s ruling to halt Trump’s immigration ban, the former Secretary of State simply tweeted:

AND THE WORLD CEASED TO EXIST.

I’m using hyperbole, we’re all still here. But the subtweet was one of the greatest clap backs of all-time because as we know Trump loves to keep score on numbers and it led to a flurry of alt-right folks to flock to his defense. That tweet is up to 159,000 retweets and 434,000 likes. She had 137 other characters to use, but she came in, dropped fire, and watched her mentions blow up.

When Mike Flynn had to resign in disgrace as National Security Adviser, I needed a quick #LockHimUp hashtag bomb from Hillary Rodham.

When Trump continually tweets from his unsecured Android, I need her to drop a “Tweeting from my iPhone line.” It would kill. We’re talking Beyoncé level social media serge.

Or can we get Hillary hopping on Instagram and posting a selfie in front of the nearest Nordstrom, ASAP? The double taps on that ‘gram might cause the APP to crash.

Hillary already has 13.3 million followers on Twitter alone. That’s a lot of followers already, but can you imagine the Twitter “likes” and retweets she could gain from celebrities that follow her as well? (Barring any duplicates of course.) We’re talking 3.22 million followers from Jay-Z, 14.7 million followers from Beyoncé (if she ever decides to tweet), 4.7 million from Taraji P. Henson, 40.9 million from Demi Lovato (holy shit), and an additional 50.1 million followers from Kim Kardashian-West. Plus if she’s flipping Kanye back to the light side? Another 27 million followers. That’s just to name a few. Hillary’s petty tweets could be seen by millions and millions across the globe.

I’ll concede that the “3–0” tweet could’ve been posted by people who run her account as well, but that doesn’t mean she can’t take notes in petty and put forth the best practices.

The now infamous “Delete Your Account” tweet (which inspired reactions like this from me) set precedent for a woke Hillary to be sassy on social media. Being petty in Hillary’s case is funny. It makes her more relatable and it gives liberals a beacon to flock to when they feel the Dems in Congress are being cowardly.

I hope that right now, as I write this, when people run into Hillary in the woods they are really just interrupting her training. I hope that she’s out there right now Rocky-montaging it, sharpening her wit, and flexing her thumbs for a reemergence. She’s running through the woods, leaping over logs, but instead of Yoda on her back it’s a giant sack of DNC email print outs or in other words: a symbolic chip on her shoulder as to why she lost a campaign. Petty Hillary is the only one that can ignite the grassroots democrats and social media warriors.

Help us Petty Hillary. You’re our only hope.