Power Ranking the Super Bowl LI movie trailers
Commercials suck. They’re repetitive, they’re generally unfunny and don’t even get me started on the unbearable, try-hards of local advertisements. The indelible spokespeople burn their voices into your brain and there’s nothing you can do about it because The Bachelor is coming back on and you can’t miss a second of that by risking walking away during a commercial break. Thank Allah for DVR and Netflix.
But Super Bowl Sunday is different. This is the time of year when advertisers can’t just phone it in with a half-assed, 30 second spot. The Super Bowl draws millions of viewers (111.3 million viewers this year) and that means those precious commercial slots are marked up to the tune of $5 million dollars per 30 seconds of air time (or $166,667 per second!). You better make every last second count if you’re a company that shells out that much money to get their names in the collective conscious of America. These are the commercials you’re talking about the next day at work and if you’re a movie buff like myself, you’re all about the Super Bowl trailers.
There were 11 really dope trailers during the Super Bowl (that I managed to pay attention to at least) and as the Falcons took a commanding lead early in the game I started to rank them just to entertain myself. These rankings are scientifically studied based on awesomeness and are measured for hype level, thoughtfulness, tone, and when I’d want to see it. Let’s see what we got:
11. A Cure for Wellness (Feb. 17)
I’ve seen trailers for this movie prior to the Super Bowl and my first impressions were that it looks like the love child of ‘Shutter Island’ and ‘Westworld.’ It’s intense, it’s fast-paced and just the right amount of ominous. However, I think you’re only hyped for this movie if you’re a big Dane DeHaan fanatic. (I mean, he’s a really good actor, but I haven’t met anyone in that camp just yet). I’ll catch this one at the Red Box.
10. Ghost in the Shell (March 31)
Okay normally all you’d have to say is ‘Scarlet Johansson as a sexy cyborg’ and I’d already be in line at the movie theater. But part of me just couldn’t block out the fact that this is another white-washed Hollywood property as Johansson takes the lead role in a film based off the internationally acclaimed sci-fi anime. Visually it looks fantastic, but the trailer didn’t provide enough of what this movie was about and didn’t make me forget the white-washing accusations. At this point, it looks like a stay away until FXX puts it on their weekend movie list.
9. Logan (March 3)
Marvel continues to give fans the movies they’re yearning for from famed comic book storylines. First, Civil War, now Old Man Logan, and smart money says there’s some Planet Hulk story in Thor: Ragnorok. Now, Logan isn’t in the MCU, but it’s still a property/character that’s right up there in terms of popularity with Ironman and you can put Deadpool in that category now, too. The tone of the trailer being that it’s Wolverine’s last run goes parallel with the fact that this will be Hugh Jackman’s last take on the character (or might not, who knows with this dude.) A grizzled, even more pissed off Wolverine, little girl that actually kicks so much ass, and Patrick Stewart? Definitely falls in the ‘see in theaters’ category, but at #9, a few other flicks have taken precedent based on their respective Super Bowl marketing pitches.
8. Life (March 24)
It wouldn’t be a year in movies without the token space movie featuring big name celebs making a showing. Jake Gyllenhaal, Ryan Reynolds, and Hiroyuki Sanada star in this ‘Alien’ meets ‘The Martian’ flick with intense music and even more intense Gyllenhaal expressions. The trailer depicts people flying through space, Ryan Reynolds playing with fire and Gyllenhaal asking the same question we’re all asking while we watch this trailer: “What is going on?” I’m not sure what’s happening either, but I will absolutely see this because as Reynolds star keeps rising, the space movie arc is the movie every major star has to make. See Bruce Willis in Armageddon; Tom Hanks in Apollo 13; Chris Pratt, also climbing the star ladder, just did Passengers. This trailer upped the intrigue both in the Reynolds career arc and the movie overall. This is definitely on the date night docket.
7. Transformers: The Last Knight (June 23)
Once again we have a trailer with a character (this time a voiceover) asking a very meta question: “You want to know, don’t you? Why they keep coming here?” It’s a question I imagine Anthony Hopkins is asking another actor during the movie, but also I imagine it’s a question anyone, anywhere asks when they find out Michael Bay is pumping out another Transformers movie. Why do they keep coming here? For me it’s because Mark Wahlberg is the greatest, but for others I think it’s because of trailers like this. Explosions! Fire! Optimus Prime saying stuff! People running! Global catastrophe! Giant robots doing battle! This is what blockbusters are about! Pure popcorn flick, bad dialogue, and just turning off the world for some summer entertainment. Sign me the hell up for over 2 hours of Marky Mark shooting up some Decepticons.
6. Pirates of the Caribbean: Dead Men Tell No Tales (May 26)
Okay, this one definitely falls into the ‘Transformers 5’ category of “Why Do They Keep Pumping Out These Blockbusters From This Same Franchise” (working title). Both on their 5th movie, both taking different story arcs after the 3rd, but coming back with familiar characters for the aforementioned 5th movie — hold up, I have to stop myself because this sounds like another piece for another time. This trailer ranks ahead of Transformers because it not only matched hype, but came ahead in creativity and tone. If you were completely unaware another ‘Pirates’ movie was coming, then the first 30 or so seconds of the trailer, you might not have even known it was another swashbuckling adventure flick. We got dead pirates running on water, Orlando Bloom making the comeback, and finally in the waning seconds, we get a Johnny Depp appearance to confirm that yes, we’re hitting the seas once again with Captain Jack Sparrow. I’m all in cause it’s a pirate’s life for me. Savvy?
5. Guardians of the Galaxy Vol. 2 (May 5)
The follow-up to one of the most successful comic book movies of all-time follows a classic trailer formula for ensemble casts. Character’s names pop up on the screen followed by an action shot or a shot of them doing something funny and repeat for all major characters. It’s a formula that works because you get to see all the characters you loved from the first movie, as well as some new ones, and the scenes usually play to the strength of the character. Cue a song from what I’m guessing is a dope soundtrack with old school songs much like the first and it somehow has you feeling nostalgic for a movie series that just started 2 years ago! (Side note: I think they’re trying to make Drax funny even though what made him funny in the first volume was that he wasn’t trying to be. Anyways I’m picking nits, but it knocked them down to #5 on the list). It’s a ‘yes’ to this movie, though, because the trailer made me jam out and left me wanting more.
4. John Wick 2 (Feb. 10)
This trailer was perfect for 2 reasons. Firstly, it took a shot at 50 Shades Darker (which comes out the same weekend) with the screen text of “This Valentine’s Day weekend… Slip into something … A shade darker.” Power move. Secondly, it showed us that we’re getting a Morpheus and Neo reunion. A little louder for the people in the back: WE’RE GETTING A MORPHEUS AND NEO REUNION ON THE BIG SCREEN. Laurence Fishburne joining Keanu Reeves in John Wick 2 after John Wick 1 was so dope is one of the best things that will happen this year. Obviously, they’re not playing their Matrix characters, but it’s the pairing we need right now. I don’t even have to say anymore. Turn the fuck up for John Wick 2, let’s go!
3. Baywatch (May 26)
“Everything in Hollywood is a reboot or a sequel.” Stop me if you haven’t heard that one before. But give me Dwayne Johnson in literally anything and I will give you my money. Sure it has the ‘Baywatch’ name, but the trailer made it feel like it was it’s own thing. This looks like the action-comedy movie of the summer and anything Johnson touches turns to gold. It also looks like he and Zac Efron have good chemistry, too. This movie has the jump on ‘Pirates’ for the Memorial Day releases because of the comedy and beautiful people running on a beach instead of dead pirates. I’m all in on this and Efron as a comedy actor! We need more of this, Zac.
2. Stranger Things 2 (Halloween)
I know, this is kind of a cop out because it’s not technically a movie, but you’re a damn liar if you told me that you didn’t get super hyped after this trailer if you’ve seen season 1 of the Netflix series. The cast owned the SAG Awards just last week and decided to double down with a trailer that came out of fuckin’ nowhere! The stakes only seem higher this time around with the kids running around in Ghostbusters gear, a promise that the world is turning upside down and what looks like the Cloverfield monster making a cameo. The kicker? This series doesn’t drop until HALLOWEEN. We’re talking 9 months of built up anticipation. Holy blue balls, Netflix. But I’ll be waiting.
1. The Fate of the Furious (April 14)
Okay so the people that know me closely, know that F8 was a shoe-in for the top spot. But the formula for the Fast franchise trailers is tried and true. There’s the bread and butter of dope car chases, a dope track that suggests every song in this movie is nothing short of a club banger (assisted by cut-aways to girls dancing), The Rock being a BAMF, and a preview of an impossible stunt that only the Fast franchise could pull off viably (in this case it looks like 2 impossible stunts). And also, why is Dom a bad guy now?! What’s happening to the Fast Familia?! There’s gotta be a reason, but this trailer isn’t cranking all the NOS just yet. Yeah, I’ll be at this for the midnight premiere, no questions asked, full stop.
