WEEK 6 POWER RANKINGS
Hello Madisfam! It’s been a fun few weeks of fantasy football right? Let’s rank some frickin’ teams.
First, I present to you the standings:
I also wanted to include everybody’s point totals thus far since there’s a constipated turd of .500 teams in the middle and I need a basis for these rankings. Additionally, POINTS FOR (PF) is the tie breaker for playoff seeding, so these will definitely factor into the final standings if the turd doesn’t break up by season’s end.
Tri-Continental Game of the Week presented by Burnett’s Vodka
Easy pick this week for the marquee matchup: there’s a battle for 2nd place in the standings between Taylor and Joachim as the Trash Pizza Monsters battle the Brexiteers. Winner is that much closer to securing a winning season, loser drops to third and within striking distance of the legion of .500 teams. Play that waiver wire, boys, it’s gonna get moist this weekend. A cursory review of free agents and byes for these teams suggest that the projected score should be close, and the timing of the games means Euro Joe is going to need a big Monday night from the Dirty Birds of Atlanta to prevail. Buckle up, buckaroos, we’re in for a nail-biter!
And now: the power rankings.
Cross-Off Squad
14 — Chocolate Polenta (Bailey)
Maybe instead of chocolate-corn meal desserts (...what..?) you should have googled “2018 ppr cheat sheets”. Just a suggestion! To be totally fair, Chef Bailey’s been up against some good performances with the 3rd highest points against. That being said, there’s a gulf of 100 points between the scores her squad has put up and the middle pack of .500 teams. If Captain Kirk and Kyle “Tougher Looking in Real Life than my Fantasy Headshot” Rudolph can get some more TDs, there’s enough WR talent here to steal a win or two yet this season, especially as the schedge gets a little easier.
Five Teams that Somehow All Have Roughly The Same Amount of Points
13 — TYland Lady Boys (Brennan)
Congrats on the wedding! Hopefully you have enough fluids after the honeymoon to manage what’s actually important in life, your roster in this league. There’s a lot of talent on your roster, and now that Alshon’s done being injured and your Ito Smith pickup, you just need David “2017 Season Fucker” Johnson to become the first round guy you hoped for (and maybe some QB production wouldn’t hurt). Schedule-wise, you get a bunch of 3–3 teams and me, so there are definitely some winnable games in there. Do to the league what the party bus did to your legs and dish out some bruising!
12 — Aarogenous Zone (Molly)
Momboy… Idk what you were on during the draft. On the bright side, cheering for Rodgers and Gronk is undeniably fun. Plus Jared Cook is somehow the 4th best TE up to this point. On the not as bright side, I don’t see many other players on the roster to rely on on a week-to-week basis. You might be able to swing a TE for a skill player in a trade to compliment Juju, the lone bright spot of your RB/WR corps. You have some tough match-ups ahead, starting this week versus my Possum Boys, but also including the other teams rounding out the top 4 of the power rankings. Good news: losing fantasy football is a great rationale to pound beers and cheese!
11 — Money Manziel (Grayson)
Everything’s bigger in Texas, but the reasons I put this squad ahead of Molly are pretty marginal; there are fewer games remaining against top dogs, and I kind of like the roster more. If DeShaun Watson can keep putting up respectable numbers and Tevin Coleman steps up in the wake of Freeman’s IR designation, you have a few more winnable games ahead of you, especially if you make the right starts and Keenan Allen can put up some vintage performances. I wouldn’t Beto’n you to Cruz to a playoff spot, but weirder things have happened. Feel free to snapchat us all pics of Whataburger either way.
10 — F Twat Fitzgerald (Jamie)
The Roarin’ Twenties throwback name is simultaneously very inappropriate (tsk tsk on the use of the T word) and VERY appropriate given the volatility of your lineup and the tumult America experienced in the Jazz Age. There have been high flying weeks at 130+ points and two sub-86 point performances. The cool news is that one of those was a win, so you’re in pretty solid position to make a playoff run, especially if Lev Bell looks good coming off his hiatus. Grabbing some WRs to fill out your roster looks like the play. With some clever waiver plays (and continued fortune playing teams having off weeks), this squad can be GREAT. With shittier luck, it will be GATSBY (I never read that book, this is a diss right?).
9 — (Wet) Dream Team (Zack)
Is Kona setting your lineup? One big week against Quinn “I wonder what it’s like to get railed” Kaiser isn’t enough to overlook the early season hiccups, but you are right in the hunt at 3–3, so that’s something. You do have three remaining games against teams with losing records, but the roster isn’t performing quite as well as we expected when the season started. Phil Rivers and his 19 children plus Davante Adams are bright spots that provide a nice production floor, but the rest of your guys are pretty spotty week-to-week. Bank the points where you can, and with some waiver wire luck there’s a good chance your team does Wells for the rest of the year.
Contenders
8 — Poopy Boy (AJ)
A traditionally good manager, AJ “Lime” Fameree’s team appears to be mailing it in this season. There are definitely some really good players on your team (Patty Mahomes and Zeke the Freak) as well as some pretty good supplemental pieces to nab a few more wins, though there are a couple tough games to go and weeks 8 and 10 will bring some tough bye week substitutions. You’ve gotten a little lucky so far with 2nd fewest points scored against you, however your team has the ability to have big weeks. Trust your inner mangina and start the right guys in your upcoming games and with a little luck you could go on a winning skidmark and nab a playoff spot.
7 — Soy Celeste (Nico)
Two stud receivers and a resurgent Cam Newton have this team in a pretty decent spot to make a run at the playoffs. You’ll need your glue guys to put up some points and Greg Olsen to not look like he literally broke his foot 5 weeks ago, but there’s a very clear path to triumph over other teams in the hot, gooey center of the chivito that is our league. If your stars align, and maybe you play a few teams having crappy weeks, your average scoring potential indicates an above-average conclusion to the season. Outpace the average and this is a potential playoff team.
6 — Quinny Quannie (Quinn)
Your team picture looks like prepubescent Eminem if Shady grew up in Cheesesconsin. Questionable roster moves makes me think you’re trying to Lose Yourself a spot in the playoffs, though after enough years of seeing your shenanigans I’m not about to count out your wheel-and-dealing ways from squeaking into the tournament like a fresh Colby curd. Two tough match-ups, two easy match-ups, and three ‘just right’ match-ups combined with several squads in close pursuit means you don’t have a lot of wiggle room, so tread lightly! Play the trade game successfully and you’re on the inside track having the sixth most points by a hair. If the train goes off the tracks, maybe Marty can steal you a mattress for a soft landing.
5 — Vinegar Strokes (Jordan)
A little hubris early on appears to have given way to a few missteps and now you’re at .500. The good news is that you put up over 100 every week which is a good sign. The bad news is that your QBs are Andy Dalton and Baker Mayfield, which makes some of us think you have an Ohio fetish. Two games against top teams and two against basement dwellers mean those games against the rest of the middle of the pack will make or break your playoff bid. Plenty of talent and some 2nd half of the season guys should bolster your win total, but that can all change if you get too distracted by dating apps and forget to set a lineup.
Throne Chasers
4— Brexit at Tiffany’s (Joachim)
Is that two top scores? The Brexiteers are the Browns of our league, in that traditionally they’ve been wet garbage, but they’re good this year and oddly fun to cheer for. Two top scores supplement the lucky win with 80 points to keep you nestled DEEP up in the playoff conversation. There’s some running back drama on the horizon, but if your studs do studly things, your team has shown it can win any given week. Great team name, by the way, how messed up is it that “Brexit” feels like a dated reference in 2018?
3 — Sa-skatch-quan Roughriders (Jake)
Tough week last week (@ georgekittle). In all seriousness, 2nd highest points for and highest points against while at 3–3 suggests a regression to the mean, which translates to more wins. There are two remaining games against teams with winning records to prove your mettle, but I have you this high for a reason: Saquon looks like the second coming, Tyreek Hill is faster than any human I’ve ever seen, and Carson Wentz appears to be back to his MVP-level ways. You basically need one other guy to step up any given week to produce win-worthy numbers, and you should be able to dispatch with your fellow .500 club members. You also get the award for team name I had to look at the most times to get the spelling right for the purposes of this article. Congrats!
2 — Dumpster Hunters (Taylor)
One high score for Johnny Frugal and a bevy of players in the top 10 for their position as of this week have Doyn in a swell position to coast to the playoffs. The average points scored by this squad is enough to win most weeks, though week 9 is already looking pretty spooky with a bunch of your dudes on bye. Ultimately, there are a few tough games left but a lot of potential wins that I would expect wins from. Push through the soggy cardboard to get to that sweet, sweet, room temperature Ian’s!
Top Dog Big Dick Energy Leader presented by Craft Beer
1 — Roger Rabies’ Possum Squad (Roger)
Most points for, with a few recent, lucky breaks on Monday night have yours truly embedded like a deer tick atop the standings. Wins over Taylor, Joachim, Jake, AJ, Nico, and Bailey show my Possum Bois can hiss at any squad until they leave the dumpster behind Pita Pit alone and let me eat some W’s in peace. Having already played Chef Bailey, I only have one more “easy” matchup left, however I’m in a pretty solid position to lock up a winning record, which is traditionally very useful to get into the playoffs. Maybe next year don’t let me take the first overall pick?
That’s it for this week! Good luck on the waiver wire, and may your October be spooky.
