A Letter To The Friends My Anxiety Neglects

Hello Friend,

It’s been a while hasn’t it? I know it feels like I completely cut you off. You see my 10 second videos on Snapchat and photos on Instagram and yet your text messages do not include my name. Your call logs bear no evidence of me trying to reach out. In a way, you’re judging me. You are judging me for being obviously present while being completely absent. I just want you to know that this has nothing to do with you. I am not angry with you. Truthfully, I miss you with every fiber of my being but I am trying to stay sane.

You have, understandably, taken my silence as self-imposed distance. You have taken my retweets, shares and likes as proof of me flourishing. Friend, I am not okay. Every day has been a mental struggle for me. I have to battle my thoughts every minute that I am awake. I can find momentary bliss and still, find myself deep in the trenches of my subconscious, putting out the firestarting thoughts that threaten to unravel me. My emotional cups are full. I can’t accept any other feelings. And while I would love to continue to be that infinite well of empathy and availability, I can’t be. Not right now. I do not push you away because I do not need you or because I have moved on, I push you away because my anxiety is bigger than you.

You know me, you know the expanses of my heart. You know the melodies of my laughter. You have seen the love I possess and you have felt my protection, admiration and celebration. I do not need to remind you why we chose to be friends. I only ask that you do not give up on me. I ask that you try to understand why I am unable to give you so much right now. I ask that you give me the space and time to heal but never lose sight of what keeps us together. I ask that you do not get discouraged in the silence, because even when I am silent, I am screaming to be heard. To be helped. To continue to be worthy of love.

Don’t give up on me Friend. I still need you.

-Devonnie.