Nobody is Listening to Me
George sat there shaking his head and looking down in frustration. A new VP sat across from me and continued to repeat “No one is listening to me.” He looked up after a while. Perplexed and strained, he asked, “Kate, why would this company hire an expert in this area, ask them to build a whole department, and then not listen to them?” This kind and intelligent man was so sure that everyone else was missing something, that everyone else was the problem. Hint: when you use words like everyone you are probably the real issue. I waited until he got quiet and asked “Have you contemplated the fact that it might not be what you are saying to people but how you are saying it?” He blinked a few times, then let out a huge breath and said “Oh shit.”
If you have ever managed anyone, you probably have heard this complaint at least a few dozen times. We both certainly have. Being listened to, feeling heard and understood is a critical part of the human experience. Point blank, we need it, and it’s painful when we don’t feel it.
Let’s get back to George the VP. He wasn’t just frustrated that he wasn’t being heard, he also didn’t understand why everyone wasn’t thinking like him. If they did, obviously they would understand his perspective. When it comes to trying to get your point across it’s important to understand the two psychological constructs that underpin this problem. First, Theory of Mind, this is your brain’s ability to attribute mental states (i.e. beliefs, desires, knowledge) to oneself and another person. The problem arises in the fact that we model how others might think after how we ourselves think. Leading people to unconsciously assume that everyone else thinks like them. Read that line again. We assume everyone else thinks just like us. They don’t. This overestimation in agreement is called the false consensus effect. As you have progressed in your life and career I am sure you have stumbled into conversations where you were exposed to someone’s thinking and realized just how different people’s thought processes can be, but eventually forgot this fun fact.
The good news is that you’re not alone. You’re not the only one not being heard. You are not the only one falling prey to these cognitive biases. Everyone knows communication is important but few people stop to think about how deeply intricate it can be. While you don’t need to know everything about effective communication, here are two of the most important concepts to keep in mind if you or (someone you know) is struggling to be heard. The more aware you are of these concepts, the more effective you will be in your communication style. While there are many things you can do to change how you communicate, these two concepts lead to the quickest results.
Tone
Tone is subtle but extremely powerful. We always say you can say the exact same thing in 20 different ways and get 20 different reactions. It’s almost entirely up to you. So how do you want people to receive your message? When someone raises their voice how do you respond? When someone speaks in a clipped tone what are they conveying to you? If there is a speck of condensation in their voice will you want to listen? There are many varieties of tone that communicate wildly different things. Sadly, many people are unaware of how they sound. We have worked with many women who feel they have gotten feedback to be “less aggressive and direct” so they tell us they will be less direct and sugar coat things. When we dig into what is happening, it is rarely what they are saying but the tone they use to communicate it. You can be firm, direct, AND kind all at the same time, it just takes some tweaking. You should be trying to open people up, not shut them down (unintentionally or not). Tone is something to play with, find what feels good, practice with trusted people, and get feedback. Then, watch and listen to see how people respond to you. Do they listen more? Or less? Let your audience be your guide.
Ask vs Tell
This is the crux of the entire issue. When people come to us complaining that no one is listening all we hear is how they are “telling” people a lot of important information. Again, when the majority of people aren’t listening to you, it’s likely you are the problem. Stop to think about how frustrated you feel when you aren’t being heard. Well, what if all of the people you are speaking to are not feeling heard too? Crazy, right? We also advise people to first get curious when going into these conversations. Truthfully, no one really wants to be told something. We’ll challenge a leader to only ask questions for 15 minutes straight. They come back to tell us it was the most painful thing they have ever done. Question asking is an art and skill, one that can be developed over time but it takes effort. If there is one thing you take from this article it’s, learn to be a better listener. Once you do that, you will find people naturally want to listen to you.
Looking Inward
Being heard isn’t easy, even for those in power. Ask any CEO, they will tell you a story of wishing their employees would just listen to them. It’s easiest to blame those around you for not “getting it.” Unfortunately, this thinking leads you to be powerless and trapped. We rarely look at ourselves, our tone, our message, our relationships, and our approach to change. But when you decide to stop, look inward, and begin with yourself, you become free and empowered. It is from this place that you can change the results. You can get what you need. You can listen to what’s in front of you while finally being heard.
Co-authored by Isaac Mosquera
