Dementia Narratives

Marriage Doesn’t Come With An Instruction Manual for Caregiving

In sickness and in health, ‘til death do us part?

I have been up all night, getting presentation slides together at the last minute for today’s annual general meeting and conference sessions that I am hosting online.

I come upstairs this afternoon to let Mom know that George and Dad (my father-in-law) are out walking, and I am downstairs working.

She tells me that she is angry at Dad. Does not love him. That he doesn’t talk to her, never has. That they should have split up years ago.

I remind her she can take a break. She says she will, insisting that she has “many people that love her more than he does.” She’ll go visit her brother-in-law because he and Cathy think she’s funny and ply her with wine.

There’s a comment in there somewhere that she thought daughters-in-law could be just like a daughter, but “I guess not.” I choose to ignore that undeserved sidenote.

Since Dad’s dementia was first recognized 3 years ago, I have been privy to this rant a few times. “I’m just venting, blowing off steam”, she says.

But its cruel and consistent message is clear. She lacks the empathy and temperament to understand and support his dementia. She is holding a lifetime of resentment for things left unsaid.

Add to that the fear that this disease is coming for her next, and she can’t cope without lashing out.

After fifty years of marriage to a remarkably kind, gentle, introverted man — a marriage that was outwardly beautiful and productive — the facade is crumbling.

The romantic ideal of vows made “to hold and to cherish, in sickness and in health” did not come with an instruction manual for caregiving.

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