I started seeing my therapist again. Her name is Bev. I’ve been seeing her on and off for about fifteen years. I go through phases and I won’t see her for years at a time. The last time was after a big break up, four years ago. This time, I went to see her because I’ve been going through a transformational period in my life. I’ve been thinking a lot about who I am, what defines me, and how this change and instability will affect my life.
It’s all good stuff. I feel really good about this journey I’m on. I just needed a sounding board. I needed more than my words on a screen telling me things I already know.
But today, I was having a tough time.
I told Bev that there are things about myself that I really like. They make me who I am and they make me a good consultant and a great analyst. I’m objective and introspective. I’m inquisitive and analytical. I can see things from different angles and I can pick things apart. I think about everything. I want to talk about everything. I want to understand. I want things to make sense. I’m passionate and intense. I feel things. I feel everything. I love being me.
But sometimes, I get so tired.
It can be exhausting. Sometimes, I wish I were simple. I wish I could just take things as they come and accept them at face value. I wish I could stop trying to figure out what my position is on something or how I feel about something and just be. I wish I could quiet the voices in my head. Someone I knew called it The Committee. It’s so spot on. And sometimes, I wish The Committee would just shut up.
I wake up in the middle of the night and can’t go back to sleep so I’ll stay up writing for hours until I’ve marked my pillowcase with ink from my sleepy hand. I read books and my mind wanders. I’ll highlight a passage and it will continue to knock at my thoughts because I have to remember to write about it and explore or I need to send it to someone because I’d love to get their thoughts on it, and oh, I should schedule lunch with so-and-so because it’s been forever since we caught up.
Today, I was in despair. Indecision and ambiguity paralyze me. The worst part is feeling like I can’t make sense of it and I don’t know what to do. I have to do something. So many pros and cons. So many ways I can see it.
I can understand. I can appreciate. I can forgive. But what about how I feel? And what I need? Can I be all things? Am I being a good person? Where’s my humility? Can I be that big of a person and still respect myself? Am I trying hard enough? Why can’t they try harder? What could I have done better? What did they need to change?What’s my responsibility in this? What do I need from them? How would I value that? I should build a weighted matrix. A scorecard. A truth table. A decision tree. If this, then that.
Oh, Committee. Just shut up. Stop thinking. Stop ruminating. Stop analyzing. Just relax. Just breathe. Just be.
It’s so easy to command. But it doesn’t happen. Bev asked me how often I spend with quiet time to myself. “Too much,” I replied, because quiet time end up as debates with myself, writing to get things out of my head and on paper so I can organize the thoughts. My runs are about processing and I think about how when I get home, I’m going to write that down. It doesn’t stop.
I used to think that writing would help. I could look back on it and restructure it, argue the opposite side and underline what needed to be emphasized. Sometimes, I think writing makes it worse. I was re-reading some of my entries and I was so exhausted. I slammed my journal shut and shook my head in disgust.
Tonight, I resigned myself to not journaling. Instead, I read a few white papers and started reading James Altucher’s, Choose Yourself (which you can borrow if you’re an Amazon Prime member).
Your mind desperately wants to be the BOSS. It needs you to be very VERY BUSY with BS stuff so it can do all the things it’s good at: obsess, worry, fear, be depressed, feel exuberance, forward thinking, backward thinking, thinking, thinking thinking THINKING until… burnout (ch. 6).
He totally gets me. He suggests taming the “wild horse” with lists. Come up with ten things about something. Occupy and wear out your mind until you fall asleep.
You need to make the mind SWEAT so that it gets tired. So tired that it’s done for the day. It can’t control you today. TIRE IT OUT! Then do it again (ch. 6).
I may have failed in not journaling because writing this story on Medium is just a different version of journaling but at least I’ve gotten myself a new, daily practice to filibuster The Committee: Ten things.
Let’s see how I do.
