Dad vs. Cancer: A very difficult month
I am a new Dad. I have stage 4 bowel cancer. This is my story.
It has been a tough month. Shite in fact, and a while since I have felt that I could write a blog entry. The last entry I wrote I talked about the ‘op that never happened’. That hit me quite hard. In the meantime there was a bit of hope that I’d be able to have a different type of surgery (called ALPPS), but after a few weeks of waiting for scan results to be discussed it transpired that this too was unachievable.
The reality of this is that the only slim chance of cure had now gone. The treatment going forward would be palliative, and barring a minor miracle in that treatment it is unlikely a surgical option could now be revisited. This basically means I now have to “make the most” of whatever time I have left. Could be a few years. Could be one.. Just depends how the treatment takes.
As you may imagine, this is a grim reality for my wife and I to come to terms with. We have tried our best to be optimistic throughout this entire process, but this latest news felt like it had ripped all hope out of us. Especially as it was unexpected. It has taken us a while to get our heads around our ‘new normal’.
This is not to say that all hope is gone. But the chances of being able to revisit surgery are now very very long odds, and we have to be realistic of our expectations. This new realisation has been really hard to deal with as many of my biggest fears now look to come true. The biggest of which is my little girl growing up without me, maybe without even ever remembering me.
It’s funny how changes in your circumstance make you rethink everything in life. It’s perhaps a bit cliché but it is true. Where I used to worry about small things in work, my PhD, and other things that seemed to get to me; now all I wish for is to grow old with my wife and watch my girl grow up. I don’t care anymore about financial or professional aspirations. I couldn’t give a mighty fuck about that now to be honest. Family, friends and health are all that really matter in life; anything else is just a bonus.
So I have started taking some anti-depressants as it have been tough to get my head around everything, but I’m starting to get to terms with things, and starting to be able to enjoy things again. I’m back on the chemo, which is tough, and about to (hopefully) undergo SIRT treatment. I have a few tests first to see if I am able to have it, but I shall keep you posted and shall write a separate blog post about the treatment should I have it.
In the meantime, my daughter’s first birthday is almost upon us. (Meaning also the first anniversary of my diagnosis is around the corner.) So I expect we will have a big party for her and try and focus on that.
Keep fighting eh.
