How I Asked For the Help I Need
By Diane McDaniel
Back in the halcyon day of this past spring before I was diagnosed with ovarian cancer and my daily activities were diverted onto a course of chemotherapy treatments and staying healthy, I was looking for a new job and writing about my reflections on the process. Two of the essays that I published on LinkedIn — Getting Started in Making Connections and A Favor to Ask and a Favor to Offer — focused on how critical it is to connect and reconnect with friends and acquaintances in conducting a successful job search.
As I wrote about in these essays, the response that I received to my overtures was nothing short of remarkable. I was amazed at the generosity that I received from both friends and aquaintances as a result of asking for and offering help.
While my day-to-day situation has recently changed dramatically, I’m finding that the themes with which I was formerly engrossed — of connecting with friends and of asking for and accepting help — are at least as vital now as they were in the days before my diagnosis.
The offers of help began flooding in as soon as friends learned that I had ovarian cancer. Assistance was offered by friends and family in Los Angeles, in cities throughout California and the rest of the United States, as well as from around the world. Learning of my new situation, my friends were desperate to help in some way, to do something.
Beloved friends who live outside of Los Angeles and therefore couldn’t simply stop by to visit or drop off homemade soup were the most frantic in their need to provide help. Tanya called everyday from San Francisco, eager to set up a system by which she would coordinate meal and grocery deliveries, rides for children, and the running of errands. From London, Catherine was ready to set up a website by which she would provide status updates on my progress through treatment. Friends who live nearby offered every type of help they could imagine that I needed. Lying on the couch in my living room after being discharged from the hospital I wasn’t sure what I needed, but I knew I wasn’t ready for grand schemes.
As I had more time to reflect, I’ve determined that what I really need now is community. Mostly, I’ve asked those who have offered help — and who can drop by — to spend time with me. My visiting schedule is full, like that of a heroine in a contemporary Jane Austin novel. How delightful it is to sit with friends who I’ve known for years or met recently, having extended conversations. Many of those who visit also bring lunch, flowers, candles, nice-smelling potions, novels, etc., all of which could not be more lovely. Most importantly, they’ve brought themselves, which is just what I need right now.
I know that as I continue this on journey of treatment and recovery I will need other types of help, and I’ve let my friends know that I will call on them when I do. The other week, when I still couldn’t drive after surgery, I asked Annie to drive me home after chemotherapy. Philippe will be out of town this week, and so I asked Christina as well as Caroline and Barry to drop off dinner, which they’ve happily agreed to do.
When friends cannot help because they have other engagements, I let them know I’ll circle back to them the next time I need help. I know that I will call on them when need it.
When I think back to the mighty struggle I had with myself when I was looking for work and realizing that I wasn’t going to be able to find what I wanted without asking for help, I’m relieved that I slayed the demons of self sufficiency when the stakes were low, comparatively speaking. A lot of us struggle with asking for and accepting help for a variety of reasons. One of the main lessons I’ve learned from recent experiences is that in asking for help and accepting it, I am also doing something for my friends and acquaintances. They want to help, and my role is to ask for and accept the help I need.
Please recommend and / or share this essay with friends. Find the essays that I published on LinkedIn at my LinkedIn profile page. Find my personal essays at my Medium profile page.
