I Know I’m Wasting My life

But fear won’t let me live it.

Photo by Matthew T Rader on Unsplash

Will I look back in 30 years and know deep down that I let anxiety backed up by depression beat me?

At the moment, yes.

The sinking feeling that I got through each day looking over my shoulder for anything chasing me rather than looking ahead seeing life’s opportunities. I’m completely blind to any that do present themselves as I run past with my eyes fixed firmly behind me. Fixed on the rustling of bushes in the dark which only really exist in my mind.

True terror can sometimes be found within our souls if we look long enough.

The endless internal debate on the best course of action and what my life should mean is exhausting.

• Should I chase money and resulting security so I can grow old with dignity supporting my family?
• Should I try to contribute to something bigger than myself so I can leave this world at peace knowing I left a part of me behind helping others?
• Should I prioritise fulfilment over the other two so I can at least say I enjoyed my time here?

Right now, I’m doing none of the above.

Conversations with fear