Eating my Feelings and Why Breaking Down the Barriers to do so is Delicious
Go For It. Eating Your Feelings During the Holidays
The holidays wrapped in creamy, buttery, gooey goodness fills me with delight and dread at the same time. Mainly because the duplicitously healthy eating habits I’ve catered to for years have come to bite me in more ways than one. The eating demon is not the weight gain or loss variety but more so of a salivating inner voice critically saying, “If you eat that pound cake, those pounds will end up on your backside.” Which then triggers a raging battle between my ravenous appetite and a critical inner voice causing an all-out emotional eating mess.
Eat Less, Be More Righteous
Ever since I was a young girl, my mom and aunties who all immigrated from India would repeat “don’t eat too much because if you get fat, no one will marry you.” They regurgitated what generations passed on to them, not discerning the negative effects it created. Starting at age nine, I exerted what scientists call flexible dietary control — not dieting but watching what I eat to the point of food depravation. Didn’t realize how my out-of-control mood swings had everything to do with sacrificial food habits, which led to mental distress returning full circle to self-soothing with food. When my mom noticed how food suppression caused negative emotions, she said “Don’t worry, do the right things and God will save you.” I don’t think it’s that simple but that’s hard to discern as a young child.
Self-healing good, Therapy much better
After spending several years demonizing food and certain food groups, the toll of restrictive eating finally caught up with me when my then eight-year-old son said after we watched the movie Ferdinand about the off-kilter yet friendly bull, “Mom, that’s exactly how you act when we go to a restaurant”. It was time to get help. I didn’t know what my issue was at first until I half-jokingly completed a pop-up online quiz: “Which type of dieter are you?”. Well, the joke was on me because not only did I have a scientific name attached to my negative eating behaviors but became acutely aware how my childhood learnings staged emotional attachment to food. Reading articles and books helped but it wasn’t until well into my forties that I sought professional help. That’s where the real work started. Deep diving into cultural barriers — my family’s traditional values rooted in food austerity (food definitely cannot be wasted but must be consumed in moderation), societal dictation of morals and marriage partners that model those on Bollywood movie posters — had to be evaluated and eventually evacuated. Because equating body shape with character and moral virtue is not a healthy measure of worth or value.
Bite, Chew, Enjoy
Uprooting tangled, chaotic beliefs that were embedded as absolute truths such as healthy eating does not equate to minimalizing meals or a certain weight doesn’t guarantee a marriage partner was tiring and merciless. The undoing started slowly with small meals, seated, because that signals the brain of food’s vitality and nourishment. After I began to eat whatever I wanted whenever I needed, more enjoyment came and turned out that my chosen food was primarily nutrition rich. Nowadays, I don’t try to survive on a carrot stick after picking up the kids, getting groceries, finishing laundry and playing pickleball. Instead of normalizing my past food oppressive behavior, now I find it empowering to enjoy a proper meal. As the holidays approach, perhaps I’ll indulge in that extra helping of mac and cheese or piece of pie, enjoying both the loved ones that surround me as well as delicious treats.
