When companies support your life journey
How to craft a culture of inclusiveness, diversity and equity
I am now entering my 7th year as a people manager. I write people manager instead of leader because I was not always a leader. Nevertheless, after the growth of the last ~4 years I consider myself proud of the leader I’ve become, far from the boss I’ve once been. One of the things people, that have been following my journey, often ask is “What was the turning point from boss to leader?”. While it is true that some people change gradually, organically, without having a clear rupture moment, for me the moment of change is quite clear: being a mother helped me develop tolerance, empathy, helped me become a better leader, a better manager and a version of myself that constantly seeks improvement, evolution and growth.
And now I will tell you why.
The first time I was pregnant, I was the UX manager of a very junior team in a very recently formed consultancy company that had operations in several countries, so I used to travel a lot. After informing my leadership of my pregnancy, the difference in the way I was treated was quite clear: my manager (fyi, a middle aged white man) ceased to include me in the following project meetings, he started to bypass my decision making regarding topics that affected my team and he asked me to start searching for someone to replace me — but not a temporary maternity leave replacement: a permanent role to "complement me in international projects". These actions from my leadership made me feel very guilty of making the decision to become a mother. In retrospective, I can now aknowledge the line of though of my manager, because for 3 years he saw me being in love (or hostage) with a company where I worked more than 60 hours per week (even if paid only 40 of them), was available to answer requests 24/7 and where I spent from 8 to 10 months abroad each year, far from my family and friends, where I missed birthdays (including my own), weddings, baptisms, carnivals, easters and other major life events because I was always 200% committed to the company and now I was going to have another life priority.
Yes, I was unable to establish boundaries, since I only lived to work, and that was no one else’s problem but my own, but, no wonder that the company saw my pregnancy as a limitation.
As a result, I didn’t allow myself to have almost any break during maternity leave, being utmostly connected to work and, of course, disconnected from my new motherhood journey. When I got back from maternity leave, as was usual in that company, everything was on fire and I was sent abroad, only one week upon my return. My child was just a few months old at the time, still breastfeeding (which we interrupted and were never able to reconnect again), and I accepted to travel because I wanted to prove that I was still up to the challenge, that I was the same competent professional, only with the additional aspect of being a mom.
So, I went. I took a 12 hours flight to be 10 000 kms apart from my family, from my baby, just to prove that I still could save the projects, reconnect with customers and to prevent the teams from falling apart. I, again,"saved the day", as I usually did, because I was still nothing less than a very competent professional. And it felt really good. Nevertheless, I also felt very disappointed with myself: I had, once again, chosen work over family because I felt the need to prove I was still a rockstar.
And that was it.
That week apart from my baby really was my turning point. After that week abroad, executive leadership thanked me and "promoted" me to become a global people manager but -guess what?- I would only be responsible for hiring and training. No more projects. No more customer facing. No more challenges. All because I just had a baby.
After, literally, draining my health because I’ve always prioritized my work over my first born, and pretty much everything else in my life, I felt reduced to a role that was supposed to be appropriate to my current "motherhood status". Don’t get me wrong, I know a lot of people would feel grateful for this kind of "understanding" from their leaders. But this was something that was not discussed with me. It was only part of my manager’s distorted assessment (not to use agressive words) regarding my role as a mother.
Somehow, I had the lucidity to see beyond what was being given to me in the form of "compassion": that company wanted me to believe that motherhood was not compatible with the career I was pursuing, with challenges, with project leadership, with professionalism, with competence. My manager built a narrative about how being a mother doomed my career and how great he was because he was still giving me the opportunity of an amazing role. And it did end my career! Having a child finished my career in that company. But it also saved my life. It saved me from a toxic culture that did not have space for their employees life journey.
Fast forward to today: I am on a maternity leave right now and I wanted to tell you another story about how the company where I work now treated me along the complete process. First, let me start by saying that my first thinking was that my career in this company would be over soon because of my pregnancy. I was so terrified of telling my manager (another middle aged white man) I was pregnant that I delayed the information until I was more than half way through the pregnancy (I was working from home, it was easier to hide).
My manager did not only congratulated me, but on every weekly 1:1 he asked how things were going with me and my baby. He let me choose the person to replace me during maternity leave and continued to work with me as if nothing had ever happened. He didn’t know anything from my last experience, and without even imagining, the fact that he didn’t saw my pregnancy as a limitation but as some natural life event, the fact that he didn’t treated me differently and the fact that he never questioned the number of months I would be on maternity leave, nor how soon I could get back, really reassured me. This time, the company didn’t place my motherhood journey as a limitation on my abilities, my commitment, nor my competence. In fact it was the other way around: my colleagues sent me and my child gifts and they all celebrated this life event with me, the people I worked with everyday were very concerned that I could look for new opportunities during my maternity leave, so they told me, several times, that I was going to be missed, they still send me messages asking if I need anything and telling me to focus on the maternity leave in order for me to comeback even stronger and eager to face the new challenges ahead.
Which, I know I will be. Because if the company is treating my journey as I deserve, I feel strongly motivated to give more than 100% on my comeback, to repay the company for that trust.
In summary, a tldr:
Companies that value their employees, that see their growth potential, that believe in their skills and that challenge them with new opportunities, will accommodate all aspects of their life journey events (birthdays, marriages, parenthood, sickness, etc.) as steps that will allow their employees to change, grow and evolve.
Best companies are the ones who know that what is important for the employees should be valued, cherished and encouraged, since for the company to make money it is important to count on highly motivated employees, that consequently become top performers.
So, motherhood is only a career limitation for companies that are not people oriented.
When companies seek to work with the most talented people, they will be inclusive and diverse enough to embrace them as the humans they are, considering every step on their life’s journey as natural events or even as empowering moments and as growth opportunities for their employees.
Back to my boss to leader journey: these experiences definitely challenged me to develop empathy and to see people as the complex humans they are, with their complex lives, rather than mere resources to achieve results.
This is a lesson on management I learned the hard way: if I treat people’s life events as natural activities that are meaningful to them, if I support them during low moments and incentive them during positive events, they will become more engaged, motivated and empowered. If I treat people’s life events as impediments or problems and give them zero support, or even go around and change their roles, they will leave or, in case they don’t, they will be completely disengaged and discouraged — small steps to become toxic.
It is not about the unrealistic fear of performance decrease due to the employees’ life decisions. It’s about how you, as a manager, are prepared to deal with, support, enable and empower complex human beings and their life! And, let’s not be naive, it is also about the return the company will have from their employees, after they feel valued and supported — by their managers — through their major life events.
My final message for you: If you are living an important life event and your role in the company has changed or was threatened because if it: leave. Do not stay based on the lie of being limited because of a normal life event. I was courageous enough to see beyond this lie and (privileged that I could) changed my path. So please, be brave and never settle for anything less than you are able to perform. For, on top of that life event, let’s say parenthood, you are still a very competent and professional person on a growth and improvement path. Any company that fails to acknowledge that is not worth your investment.
