Speak up and speak out: A journey on how to strengthen my voice
“Fish forget they’re surrounded by water, and you’re in DEEP water… be kind to yourself and remember your context.”
- Seth Johnson, Bridge, and EPM Design manager
My role at IBM is my first full-time job and the start of my design career. I’m coming up on two years here, and over those two years A LOT has happened, to say the least, and a lot of change has been thrown my way. With change comes uncertainty and feeling out of my wheelhouse, or as my teammate, Kate Moon says, “I’m operating at the edge of my intelligence every day.”
This perception of inadequacy and doubt is coined imposter syndrome, and it isn’t unique to me. However, I was experiencing a sense of paralysis during meetings where I didn’t feel like I could contribute value to conversations I was part of. At times I knew I should ask a question, but half the time I didn’t even know what question to ask. I became caught up in this reinforcing state of silence and inadequacy. I needed to figure out a way to make these feelings more manageable and increase my self-confidence by taking small steps forward and leaning into the discomfort. This blog is my reflection on my experience strengthening my voice.
About my context…
My team’s focus is on the Client Support experience, meaning our work spans across documentation, training, opening cases, and more. Our work spans across every product in IBM’s portfolio, thus our scope is vast and our stakeholders are top dogs like Executives and Distinguished Engineers, which means I’m constantly surrounded by people who are more experienced, more technically inclined, and more knowledgeable than myself. Our context is not the kiddy pool, it’s deep water, which caused me to feel trapped in a constant state of feeling like I was barely staying afloat.
This imposter syndrome got to the point where I felt suffocated; something had to change. I shared my concerns with my manager, and he gave me a piece of advice that resonated with me, “Fish forget they’re surrounded by water, and you’re in DEEP water… be kind to yourself and remember your context.” All that “deep water” I mentioned before had become my day-to-day, causing me to become nearsighted. I was busy comparing myself to all these big fish in a big pond. I forgot my context, I forgot to be kind to myself and remember that I’m capable in the work that I do, and I’m not alone in my experience.
I decided to set a goal for myself to contribute in at least half the conversations I am part of at work for a few months, and reflect and capture the resulting emotions and impact of doing so.
Here’s how my experience went…
It was itchy, uncomfortable, and forced… but it’s getting easier!
I’m a habitual over-thinker, and I have a habit of second-guessing my ideas until I’ve censored myself into silence, which often results in others voicing my same thought minutes later. To counteract this I tried a few things, I’ll look at my calendar for the day and select a few meetings to speak up in at least once. Speaking up could mean sharing an opinion or thought or asking a question, and I’ll commit this plan to myself.
In some meetings, I notice it’s harder to find an opportunity to speak, often due to the presence of many loud voices in the room, so I utilize the Webex chat as a means of communication. A lot of the time the chat is monitored and my leadership finds time to address the content there, allowing space for me to take the floor. I also explore hacks for speaking such as setting expectations for the points I make such as “I have two points, the first being x…” If I’m interrupted, it provides an avenue for either myself or others to point out that I didn’t get to finish my thoughts.
There are still days that I’m less vocal than others, there are contexts where I feel totally out of place, but it’s getting better and my inner critic’s voice has softened as I begin to grow and strengthen my voice.
Upon reflection, I’ve learned that….
I know more than I think I do. I also noticed my participation is tied to how confident I feel about the subject, which isn’t some grand revelation, but I wasn’t actively aware of it. My passion is user research and I can speak to it, I lean on it to both inform and back up my point of view. Some feedback I recently received illustrates this pattern, “it was also great to see you command a presence in a recent meeting… to be able to speak with such grace and confidence on the user research.” One of my teammates also commented, “I can see you making steady improvements in speaking up more in meetings. I remember when you spoke up about how we should be asking new project teams about their levels of confidence and risk going into a project.”
There are also other factors at play that I hadn’t considered when I first set this goal, such as the change in the work environment due to the pandemic. Since working remotely it’s easier to become a fly on the wall, and it’s also harder to stay focused during meetings because of two factors: the mediums aren’t as conducive to my learning style and the overall amount of meetings has increased. Both of these factors greatly contribute to an overall sense of fatigue and thus a decrease in attention and active listening. If I’m not actively listening, my ability to participate and contribute during meetings is impeded.
Some ways I’m continuing to grow…
It’s all about that growth mindset right? :) Part of my fear of speaking up is that I won’t know the answer, but one of my mentors gave me advice that “I’m not in the business of knowing, I’m in the business of finding out” and turning that knowledge into action. I’m practicing saying “I don’t know” rather than feigning that I have the answer. I’m working on using my voice and employing different tactics to make space for my thoughts, questions, or opinions during meetings.
I’m continuing to learn from others by listening to the way they speak their minds and the tactics they employ. Everyone has to find something that works for them, and some of us have to work a little harder at it.
The other day, one of my teammates made this point: listening is a strength, one shouldn’t feel like they HAVE to say something all the time. “As you continue to find your voice, don’t let the added pressure of ‘I need to say something’ inhibit your incredible ability to listen and internalize perspectives.” As a designer, this particularly resonated with me. Active listening is a muscle; I need to continue using it in every aspect of life.
Becoming more outspoken shouldn’t mean my listening muscle weakens. Have empathy, listen to others, and don’t be afraid to speak up — something great might come from it. Be kind to yourself. Don’t forget to step back and remember your context.
Kate Hodges is a Design Researcher at IBM based in Austin, Texas. The above article is personal and does not necessarily represent IBM’s positions, strategies or opinions.
