Six lessons paternity leave taught me about work
Spoiler alert: the good always outshines the bad
On Monday, I’ll step back into the office and relinquish my position as full time carer for my son, which I’ve held for the last three months. I feel sadness and excitement. I’ll miss our walks, laughs and our games of “lions and tigers,” which involves Arthur biting me all over (note – this is a terrible thing to teach a child about to start daycare). However, I’m excited about re-joining my family at Fjord and being part of design work that helps make business and society better.
Above all else, I feel incredibly lucky and grateful to my employer for granting me this time with my son. Extended paternity leave is not common, but it should be. During this time, I thought I would become better equipped at looking after my son and while that’s true, I’ve learnt so much more than becoming an expert at doing everything one-handed.
Here’s six lessons I’ll take back into the office:
- Proper preparation saves time
Everyone knows the saying – fail to plan, plan to fail. Yet, proper planning is sometimes overlooked in the office, we get “too busy.” That’s why there are so many meetings without an agenda (which leads to more meetings) and attempts to “wing it,” which leads to missed opportunities.
Failing to plan with a baby results in a stressful day. When I wake up (after inadequate sleep), I need to have everything in place. I need to know what we’re doing that day. I need to know what I’m making for breakfast and where the food is located in the fridge. The wet-wipes need to be by the change mat and by his high chair. I need to have his outfit ready and the nappy bag packed. Failure to do any of this the night before gives my the son the opportunity to cause mischief, or worse become impatient and ratty.
Preparing the night before was something I used do to varying levels of detail but it’s now a habit. A habit I’ll take back into the office so that I can be as efficient as possible at my job and in my Dad duties.
2. Fail to prioritise at your peril
Prioritising is a hard thing. There is a never only one thing to do and it’s human instinct to leave the hardest until last, even if it’s the most important.
You don’t get to choose how to prioritise when looking after a baby. They won’t let you extend the deadline for anything. So, if you decide to relax, instead of having a shower, when he wakes up early, you’ll spend the whole day smelling like yesterday’s milk. Likewise, if you decide to have breakfast, instead of preparing his bottle, he’ll scream the house down for 10 minutes, while you wait for the bottle to cool.
Failing to prioritise properly in the office causes similar pain – unnecessary late hours and stress. However, now when I find myself taking the easy route, I’ll think of my son screaming as a reminder to get onto the most important task first.
3. Tomorrow is always a new day
We all have rough days. Yet, the feelings of stress and injustice tend to linger longer at work – a rough day can quickly descend into a shitty week. Being told “tomorrow is a new day” feels condescending when you’re stressed and frustrated about something.
My son helped me understand that tomorrow is always a new day — in particular, one day when everything went wrong. I forgot his bottle on the way into the city, he did a “Poonami” (code red poo) and I found it impossible to find the change rooms in the QVB, and when I did they were closed! He cried the full duration of the bus ride to and from the city. He let me know my shortcomings as a Dad in his very direct, harsh baby manner. I was exasperated by the time I bathed him and put him to bed.
The next morning, when I woke up still disheveled and walked into his room with my shoulders slumped, there he was, standing up in his cot with a huge grin. Yesterday was gone, and we had a wonderful day with very few grumbles.
I feel much more equipped to bury a bad day now – it almost feels silly to dwell on the bad when there’s so much potential for good the next day.
4. To understand something, you must see it for yourself
At Fjord, the only way we can design simple and elegant services is by seeing the world through the end-users’ perspective. So, we always carry out immersive research to understand the problem space before we start ideating what the solutions might be.
Before I took leave, I thought I had a pretty good understanding of parenthood. I helped with the early mornings and late nights and would take my son for long walks on weekends to give my wife a break. However, I now know I was only experiencing a slice of what it is like to be a parent.
Being the primary carer is exhausting. You’ve got to watch the child every minute, of every day – that means keeping him safe (babies put absolutely everything in their mouths), watching his cues for food, or sleep and carrying him for large parts of the day. Every day from 5.30pm, I would listen out for my wife’s return to relieve me for another day.
I now know how hard it must have been for her when I worked late, as I was effectively adding another two hours to her day when she was at her most worn out. I know now how very wrong it is when people scoff that looking after a child isn’t as hard as a “proper job.”
5. Being patient is the most important virtue
I once was asked in an interview (as a young cocksure graduate) what my greatest weakness is, and I boldly answered: “my lack of patience.” I argued this was actually a good thing, as it meant I tended to get things done with greater impetus. What a stupid answer that was! Being patient is the most important virtue.
You have no other option but to be patient with a baby. They don’t understand your demands to “put it down,” “stop crying,” or“get in the pram.” If you get impatient, you waste energy, you get more stressed, he gets more stressed. Nobody wins.
The next time I feel frustrated at work, I’ll think of the time it took 10 minutes to get Arthur into his pram at the swimming pool, as all the mums looked on in bewilderment. After 10 minutes of struggling as he contorted impressively like a crazed snake, I took a deep breath and sat him on my knee. A minute later, I put him in without any trouble. I hope to take a calmer approach when I’m in the office too and wait for the right time to do the right thing.
6. Good and bad must go hand in hand
There is no such thing as a perfect day with a baby. Every day there will be tears. Every day, you have to change a nappy (nobody likes changing nappies). Yet, every day, without exception, my son made me laugh out loud (genuine LOLs, not the ones written in reply to everything on social media). The nappy changing and losing badly at lions and tigers was worth it for the giggles and cuddles.
I think everyone is guilty sometimes of focusing on the bad things at work. Particularly, as a design company, we want everything to be wonderful and work perfectly. We all sometimes must work with old systems, clunky processes and navigate internal politics.
My son taught me that the good always outshines the bad. So, the next time I’m struggling with my expense report, I would like to think that I won’t curse under my breath anymore, I’ll think this is just part of my job. A job I’m doing for him. And, I’ll get a smile when I get home.
