Getting into the gratitude groove
The backstory to my ‘Friday Thanks’ public gratitude practice
Saying thank you sincerely is often hard for us humans. And yet it is so valuable to others.
It can help people realise that their efforts, presence or being is valued by others. And so many of us need that recognition to keep doing the good stuff. To stay motivated to make the magic for others.
Who will you thank this week, and how will you do it?
This is a bit of back story and approach to a public gratitude practice I have been doing for over a year called Friday Thanks. I hope it inspires you to thank more people, more often for the impact they have on you.
An emotionally charged trigger
Three years ago on Valentine’s day I had just arrived in Coventry with the family after a long drive from home. I was checking into a hotel when I decided to check my messages. I received messages from two ex-clients informing me of the death of Ofer Deshe.
I was paralysed with emotions as my wife was trying to get my attention away from my phone and towards the person at the check-in desk.
It was a week or so after I had last seen Ofer, and a week before a business meeting I was due to have with him. That evening (on Valentine’s day remember) while writing a bunch of thoughts about what he meant to me, tears were dripping down my face.
He was a peer for many years in the UK UX industry. At times he was a competitor, fighting for talent. When we were at some drinks with some mutual ex-colleagues, we chatted about a role with my client at Tesco. He seemed interested and so after a couple of meetings, I put him forwards for the role. He got the job, made huge impacts on so many people, and was my client for a short while I wrapped up a project. We were becoming closer friends too.
The pandemic took the edge off Ofer’s death, but at the time it hit me really hard, almost triggering my second breakdown. I have to thank my friend Nuzi Barkatally for her support through that time as I questioned my legacy and everything I was doing in my life.
Over a year later, as we were emerging out of various lockdowns, I heard news of Bersi Kueper who had died suspiciously.
She was an ex-colleague during our times at Oyster Partners, then Framfab and LBi. She had been one of the first people that I had officially mentored. I hadn’t spoken to her for years, but always remembered her beaming smile and insatiable curiosity.
Just over a year ago I delivered a talk at UX Live, where I referenced the passing of these two peers in relation to gratitude and appreciation.
Unsettling messages of posthumous appreciation
Both Ofer and Bersi had received such incredible words of appreciation from colleagues, friends, managers and mentees. After they had passed.
The messages brought me to tears as I mourned their loss. But for some reason I seemed really unsettled by the combination of loss and the appreciation.
What was going on here?
What would people say about me?
Did they know what people really thought of them while they were alive?
How would that effect their mental health and motivation to continue doing what they were doing?
Do I thank people for the impact they have had on my life and career? Do I do it enough?
I was in the pub with my friend Warren telling him about all these feelings realising he had done so much for me over the years. From fun nights on the dance floor or behind the decks to helping me get my first proper design job at Yell. And later my best one at Oyster. But I couldn’t tell him in the moment. What was going on with me? For some reason I felt uncomfortable, so I just couldn’t say the simple words ‘thank you’.
After a few weeks stewing on this, I eventually told him all this and explained. It was hard. But not that hard. And I felt a little better afterwards. At least he knew.
And so, after doing the talk and making the point around how people might thank people in their life I felt I needed to make a conscious effort to thank people for their impact on me.
A compulsion towards LinkedIn
At the start of 2002 I had restarted a journalling practice again, and there was a page dedicated to thanks every week. Something compelled me to post this to LinkedIn and tag the people.
Posting to LinkedIn had the downsides of potentially seeming performative. But it also helped increase visibility of the people I had interacted with each week. And to be honest, knowing people may be reading and following created a level of accountability for me to actually do it.
Since I started in January 2022, I have done it every week without fail. Sometimes on the Saturday, and maybe once on a Sunday.
Honing the habit
My ritual coincides with me taking my kids to a soft play parkour thing on a Friday night. I drop them and my wife off, and then try to grab a table at the pub/restaurant next door. I order a pint and some dinner, and raid my calendar, my notes, my Spotify listening history and my memory for the key interactions I had that week.
Who did I meet with?
Who did I work with?
Who did I coach?
What podcasts inspired me or made me think differently?
Who wrote something that changed my perspectives?
I’d list them out, and write a short summary of what I thanked them for. Then I’d copy the text from my text editor into LinkedIn and try to tag them on LinkedIn.
Even when I didn’t think I had connected with many people that week, I always seemed to exceed my Linkedin character limits. So there’d be a bit of frantic ruthless last minute editing.
Finally, I’d try to find a photo from the week, or generate an image using some new fangled AI tool. All within about 55 mins before I picked up the family and started the weekend.
Impacts to me and others
After sharing the post, I’d feel an enormous relief. The exercise of trawling my brain and calendar for interactions, reminded me of all the things I’d done that week.
But more importantly, it reminded me of the connections I was making. And each of the people I tagged would know that their time with me or developing content that I had consumed was valued by someone.
It’s a small gesture.
Some people would acknowledge the thanks. There are always a few emojis of appreciation. I’ve had messages from people saying they appreciate me doing this. At events, and meeting people in person, I’d often get words of appreciation, or intrigue at what started the practice and what I get out of it.
Some people have taken on their own version of the practice.
I have been doing it for a year and it makes me feel better each week. I hope that others feel a little more seen too. And I hope it encourages others to thank people while they are still alive.
After all, recognising people for what they do and how they are, can help encourage them to keep doing more of what is appreciated. So often we are left not knowing.
I sometimes write here on Medium. You can follow me and my Friday Thanks on LinkedIn.
