The art of listening

“What do you mean I don’t listen?” (said almost everyone)

When you listen to someone else speaking, are you waiting for your turn to speak? Harder still, are you listening to your inner monologue whilst they’re talking? If you can’t listen to them without your inner monologue going off all the time, then all you hear is yourself.

Few of us know how to listen to others, and it’s not something we like to admit either. We’re defensive about it when we’re told we’re bad at it, and I reckon almost everyone has been accused of this at some point. It hurts because it implies that we don’t respect the other person (which isn’t necessarily the case) or that we’re being un-collaborative, or some other dreadful thing. It used to make me feel slighted because it seemed like such a basic skill…it’s actually really hard and most of us are quite justifiably bad at it. It’s a skill that like any other skill requires practice and that isn’t ever really taught.

Designers in particular need to be good listeners, because a key part of our work is learning from others. We listen to the customers, the project managers, the business, the engineers, the other designers…so that we can gether all the pieces of the puzzle. This is integral to good design. You can’t design in a vacuum. If you’re no good at listening, or worse still…not aware of how bad you are at it, you could really be compromising your work.

You can’t get better at something you don’t understand, so…

What is “listening”?

The Merriam-Webster dictionary defines it as:

1: to pay attention to sound

2: to hear something with thoughtful attention

Many of us, I suspect, would say that the most relevant is #2, however this is part of the problem. Before we can “hear something with thoughtful attention”, we have to learn to pay attention to sound. This is really the beginning and it’s quite difficult. The place we’re trying to get to though is more like this…

“To listen, there must be an inward quietness, a freedom from the strain of acquiring, a relaxed attention. This alert yet passive state is able to hear what is beyond the verbal conclusion. Words confuse; they are only outward means of communication; but to communicate beyond the noise of words, there must be in listening an inner passivity.” (Krishnamurti)

But lets start with training ourself to listen attentively to sound to being with…

This simple exercise helps:

Repeat the following exercise for 10mins or more every day.

1- Sit comfortably

2- Close your eyes (it will be easier if you withdraw the other senses)

3- Listen to the sounds that are furthest away from you

4- Listen to the sounds that are closest to you

5- Now listen to the sounds that are somewhere in between

You should be able to comfortably, with passive alertness. Can you do this exercise for at least 20mins without:

• Fidgeting
• Your mind wandering & losing concentration
• Hearing the sound of your own voice inside your head
• Having a conversation with yourself
• Waiting for this exercise to end
• Labelling all of the sounds individually
• Effort

When you do any of these things, you stop listening “with thoughtful attention”.

If you can‘t focus on the noises around you with your eyes closed, whilst sitting comfortably, without your mind getting in the way, then it will be very difficult for to really listen to somebody else talking to you, especially if you’re on the phone in a busy train station, for example.

To Listen to someone else:

When you listen to someone you also see their body language, their facial expressions, and develop an understanding of what they are trying to communicate, without warping their communication with what your mind thinks they’re saying. It’s to listen without judgement, and without commentary, to what another person is saying.

There’s an attitude to cultivate in listening: being aware that when someone else is speaking, holding the space for them so they can express themselves to you is a fundamental building block of connection. Connection is at the heart of all relationships, and learning to listen to others properly allows you to understand and care for them better and it gives you a shot at a happier life. If you’re a designer, it gives you a shot at a much more poignant design.